What to do??? Please help

feel like I’m at the end of my rope with my ADHD husband. His anger issues have gotten the best of me. I try and try but no matter what, it is always “my fault”. Last night, he was physically abusive to me. He is constantly mentally and verbally abusive. He has issues with other family members as well but always finds ways to blame everybody else. I’m at work now and I don’t even want to go home. I’ve asked him to go to anger management – he says no. I’m tired of walking on eggshells around him. It was the final straw last night when the kids witnessed part of his tantrum (throwing things, breaking things, screaming). He left the house in a rage. I’m glad he left but then I got no sleep terrified that he would come back. Before he got mad (and I don’t really even know why he got mad), he was perfectly fine!!! We were out having a nice family dinner! Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks…

When ANY relationship crosses

When ANY relationship crosses the line to physical violence, something has to change and change NOW. When you talk about his 'tantrums' are you saying that he just goes off on a tyrade or something or does he start a fight and you and he fight? I can't tell from your post.

If you are in any way 'contributing' (for lack of a better word) to the fighting/tantrum/chaos/violence then first things first, YOU have to take 10 steps back and stop reacting. I know from my own personal experience that 99.9% of the time there was a way I could have prevented the battles, but I chose to participate, argue, and sometimes just 'talking' (trying to make him understand my point of view) was all it took to escalate things. I know his cues..I know when he's going into that 'mode' and I stop. My instinct was to keep talking, keep trying to rationalize with him, keep trying to point out his fault in any given situation and it ALWAYS escalated into a horrible fight and it never resulted in anything ever being resolved. NEVER. If possible, if you can zone in on his earliest cues and just remove yourself and your children from the situation, then start there. If he is truly just completely out of control of himself then you need to take control of the situation yourself and protect your kids. My daughter suffered more seeing her father completely out of control than she did with all of the fussing and fighting for the 5 years leading up to it. Things escalated until they were out of control..and the night we crossed the line and got physical was something she still isn't over, 8 months later. I put her in counseling because of it. She was terrified of her father...afraid to leave the house and leave me alone with him...afraid he would kill me. He broke my cell phone, I threw it at him, tried to get his and he got me in a head lock and we ended up on the floor...and that was the end of it. That was all it took for her to be very traumatized. It is my biggest regret. Don't do this to your kids. If you can walk away and help avoid these confrontations then do so, if not you need to take more drastic action.

JT I know all too well this situation...

My husband also has anger management issues and ADD.  He tends to throw a tantrum if he does not get his way -or- sometimes (oftentimes) for no 'good' reason at all (i.e. dinner was not to his liking).  As a matter of fact, most of our family outings ended with him being angry about SOMETHING! My two girls are in counseling and although we are separated, neither girl wants us to get back together because they are afraid of his unpredictable moods swings. 

I agree with Sherry, if your marriage now involves domestic violence, you can be assured there will be future occurrences-trust me, I've lived this nightmare too. It's just not worth it, ADD or not.

medication

helped take the edge off the anger issues but things still come up at times. I did my best to avoid him since it seemed like anything could set him off. The only thing that helped was me staying calm and quiet. Doesn't happen as often anymore but, I have to walk away when it does. My ADD husband doesn't recognize his anger and sometimes, I humbly ask him "why are you so angry at me?" in hopes that he would catch himself. That doesn't always work. He gets even madder if he thinks I'm trying to teach him something. You have to find a way to protect yourself and your kids!

I really appreciate your

I really appreciate your replys.  I know that something has to be done. He is on medication (Adderall) but I think part of the problem is that his schedule isn't "normal" - he is a truck driver and has crazy work/sleep patterns.  When he comes home after working for a week, his sleep is so out of whack that we ALL have a hard time adjusting.  I KNOW that I need to back off and it does help when I do (thank for the reminder).  I guess I just wish that he could be "normal" and if he was upset about something, just tell me and not fly off the handle.  Reading these posts really do help and make me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you all...