I have been struggling with my marriage to my ADHD husband for many years. He is not very communicative, but sometimes we are able to talk about our problems, and sometimes he asks if I still love him. I often say, "of course I do. If I didn't, would I put up with all of this?" But recently I have wondered what I mean by that. Do I really love him? Do I love myself? Why do I put up with the anger, the chaos, the lack of communication, the wild imbalance in our work and family lives, the financial and other problems he causes for us? What do I mean when I tell him I love him? What do I mean when I tell myself that I love him?
I sometimes wish that he would fall in love with a rich woman and leave me for her. It would solve his financial problems and let me live without him, which would make me happy. Sometimes I say to myself "I wish he would leave me, but I would never leave him." Why?
Does anyone have insight into these questions?