What to Do When Non-ADHD Spouse Says They Don't Love You Anymore

Well my subject pretty much says it all. . . .. I'm the ADHD one and have been married almost 18 years, most of it in a roller coaster marriage.  There’s lots of backstory that can probably be said later on, but the short version is that I’ve been told that I’ve sucked the life so much out of our relationship that she no longer loves me.  This came after the best 2 months in our marriage, so it really hurts a lot. 

I realize that I, as the ADHDer, come with my own host of “issues”, but my non-ADHD spouse is no saint, either.  Again, I realize that I am human and make a whole lot of mistakes and bad choices, but dammit, at least treat me at a bare minimum with some shred of human dignity.  It doesn’t help things when I get told that I am worthless, just a paycheck, that I nor any ADHDer should ever get married because we never make fit company, that I am the SOLE reason the marriage is failing, calling me every swear word in the book, yelling at me in front of the kids, pretty much emasculating me, telling me that I’m a crybaby for telling her this, that I pretty much deserve what she dishes out because my stuff warrants it, and after all of this, I’ve been told that I’M the one who emotionally abuses her, etc.  Again, I realize that there are consequences to my mistakes and bad choices, but those consequences should not be to pretty much dehumanize me. . . . .Look, I’m not laying this all out to garner any sympathy, to may me feel better about myself, or get reassurances. . . . reading many of these blogs, I can see that many of you non-ADHD spouses are at the end of your ropes, have had to put up with more than your share of schtuff, that we can be jerks frequently, and some of your ADHD spouses are even people that I would toss off a pier, BUT, whatever us ADHDers may show on the outside, many of us are still human on the inside. 

OK, now that I’ve got that ADHD rant out of my system and probably have driven many of you away by this point, how do I deal with my initial issue I mentioned above?  Divorce is pretty much not an option for various reasons, a large one being the financial aspect, and the kids an even larger part.  Years ago we went to marriage counseling and it worked for a time, but only after a lot of it.  I’ve been to at least a dozen therapists / coaches over the past 15 years.  She has gone to therapy several times, but there’s NO way I can “suggest” it to her now, since she’s pretty much said that ALL of the issues are ME that I don’t follow through with, and that SHE is the sane adult in the relationship who’s had enough of putting up with me.

I love her, or whatever I still feel for her is love.  I hate dealing with this, and I cannot deal with approaching her when she is in her silent treatment, curt, sarcastic, resentful brooding moods.  She doesn’t really trust me any more to work on my issues or that there’s any hope in my changing, and any change that I make is short lasting. 

I know many of you may ask if this is worth it, and that I should just cut bait and hope for the best . . . but I really don’t (or can’t) see that as an option.  I would like to think that this is not what God had in plan for me or our marriage, and I don’t believe He would want me to leave. . .  . what I don’t know is what He would want me to do. . . .