What do you want in a partner?

What do you want in a spouse?  

Dh seems to want sex for his release, my adoration, my respect, laughter, eroticism, cute flirting, freedom to do what he wants the way he wants to do it, no criticism, no discussion other than joking, no talking about finances, someone to take care of finances and to make a home for him, freedom to come and go,  a drinking partner. He just wants us to enjoy ourselves.....in essence, to me, that is singlehood (or boyhood).  This is what I gave him for decades. My mistake.

What do I want in a spouse?  Trust, attention, partnership, commitment, someone who I want to be intimate with and share my thoughts and my body with, serenity, faith, a friend, shared goals, integrity and mutual pride in ourselves and in each other, inspiration from each other to be better people together than we are if we are alone....in essence, to me, that is a good marriage.  This is love matured. This is what I am trying to give and get now that we are older.

My idea of what is important for a relationship is too structured, too assuming, too much work, too involved, too serious, too entwined, too much for him. I am ashamed and afraid with him now that I see that he has not matured into a man I can put my trust in.

His ideas of what is important are too low-standard, scary, too devil-may-care, too lonely, too self centered,  too flimsy, just not enough for me to be happy with ourselves as a couple. He hates my expectations.

Maybe our problem is not ADD but rather in who we are and what we want out of a relationship.

How do spouses get what they want from each other?  Not by nagging, complaining, criticizing.  Which is what I had been doing. Not by isolating, drinking by himself, giving up, arguing, being obstinate which is what he has been doing.

By being attractive, involved in activities that are enjoyable and satisfying and meaningful for themselves and sometimes for each other, by paying attention to what is going on around us and being filled with love for life and involved with people and community.

I am trying.