Although I have had many, many miserable years with my ADHD husband ever since I married him, some things have been changing and I am thinking the situation may be getting out of control, especially on his side. This is really getting to me emotionally.
Some things have been becoming better for some time, but then there is a rollercoaster switch and he becomes more demanding, judgmental, shaming, explosive, abusive & excluding than ever though these have always been characteristics of his. The extent of his destructive behaviour is really upsetting & frightening me now. I have been feeling I almost can't cope &, in desperation, started going out to a couple of spiritual & growth type places in search of how better to deal with things. They have been like a lifeline to me, pulling me "back"; letting peace in. But my husband keeps behaving badly & it seems to be snowballing how bad he is at once with wave after wave of lies, accusations, threats & outright verbal abuse. He has always been passive aggressive but that is much worse & he is now sleeping in another room & shuts the door.
For some time, my husband has been less negative and abusive at times & has been letting me do the household shopping with him (he is the main breadwinner & controld the money) & has been more willing to spend money on me. He does tend to complain and look condemning at my choices, but I was happy I was playing a part & I tried to ignore that or to treat it lightly, glossing it over. I don't choose badly, but he has always wanted to do things his way & therefore my choices are bad. However he always used to say he never gave me housekeeping money because "You are a poor money manager", which is not true. He tends to attack my qualities in order to get his way, such as saying I am "incompetent" or "You are just like your mother" (my mother has problems) and calling me by her name.
He has never seemed to understand what a relationship is and entails and he is basically a loner. It appears that he married me for sex though he thanked me after the birth of each of our children (why?!). Ever since we married, despite several lots of counselling & my many attempts to explain (which I do much less now - no point), he seems fixed on thinking I should give him sex when he asks, and that is usually when it is inconvenient or too late at night. He also persists in asking for (I really should say demanding) sex out of the blue, in what seems to me to be an inappropriate/dysfunctional context, such as after he behaves in a way he thinks will please me or after we have been doing separate things for hours. This may sound strange but it seems he has learned not one thing about how to have a good relationship in all our many years together. Just the other day he said of himself "I don't have much to change about me". He seems to see eveything he doesn't like as my fault and how he views me makes me feel despised & reviled & like a felon who has committed some dreadful crime.
Lately, now that he was behaving more sharingly and pleasantly at times, it seems that his expectations of getting sex went up accordingly. He would blatantly ask for sex right after doing a "nice" thing for me such as coming to the chemist with me & buying me some vitamins & hair colour (he controls the bank account & there is no housekeeping money for me to use). I did not comply & did explain that I was not happy about being asked like this as it seemed he was buying sex. His reaction is to get angry & say "You never want sex". My belief is that I can seldom get him to understand anythingand that he thinks he should get what he wants and is entitled to get angry when he doesn't get it, sex or whatever.
The episodes of his behaving very angrily and revengefully are increasing and it really upsets me how he talks to me at such times. He seems so childish, dishonest, conniving, twisting, and irrational and filled with enormous hate against me. And he comes at me with a tsunami of it, wave after wave. I have to end up just keeping quiet & preferably leaving his near vicinity for a while. And, for the record, yes, I do doubt myself & my perceptions a lot. But, looking at all this objectively, I think I am seeing matters reasonably accurately though he would not agree. If he was to read this, his reaction would be to getvery angry indeed and to very much put me down. Maybe I should add I can't discuss anything with him for the same reason. It isn't even safe to hold a different opinion on something without his thinking I am putting him down for believing what I do.
What do you think about this please? And, please, I am not asking you to solve my problem. I just want help to understand what is going on.