I forgot this board was here and when I searched my own name I saw how much I used to post! I am 43 and have been married for 19 years to an ADHD husband. Our 15 year old son is fine, our 12 year old son has Asperger's, sensory issues and anxiety. Hubby has had two jobs in the past three years--fired from both. He has been unemployed since January with nothing on the horizon. I am not even really sure what happened with this job because the story he told me doesn't make a lot of sense. He has lied to me for the entire 19 years of our marriage about big things, small things, inconsequential things, important things. The last time he lied was when I found out he has another bank account, one I did not know about, that had several thousand dollars in it even after he had been fired. I have no idea where the money came from or what he does with it--it went from $3500 in December to $1200 in February and I have no idea where it all went. He will not tell me. Won't tell me where it came from, won't tell me what he spent it on. Throughout our marriage, every time he lied I used to wonder what it was going to feel like when I had had enough and now I know. that lie was it for me. we will not be splitting up, we can't afford it. but I no longer trust a single word he says and what's worse, I no longer even care. he told me the other day about some friend of mine who had hit on him several years ago and not only do I not believe it actually happened, I honestly don't even care. it's clear he is going to do whatever he pleases regardless of the consequences to me or our family. I'm not being very clear--what happens if I no longer care what he does, if he actually finishes anything, if he lies, whatever. He's a nice person, we don't fight on a day to day basis. He has an okay relationship with our kids, but I run the show. All of it--finances, medical decisions, appointments, managing the house. Half of what goes on around here he doesn't notice or even know goes on. He doesn't ask about the kids appointments (the older one just had a cardiology issue--he didn't ask about the appointments). I cannot count on him for anything of any consequence. He will call me and say I'm on the way home (from somewhere like 30 minutes away) and not walk in the house until 2 hours later. No idea where he was in the interim and he doesn't say. Whatever.
How do others deal with that feeling of being completely wrung out and spent ALL the time. I have no energy for anything extra at all. I have gained 15 pounds in the past year--I used to swim and walk and jog--no energy any more. he has always been this bad, it's just the longer it goes on and the older the kids get and the more I see that I have grown and changed over the past 19 years and he has not, the less patience I have for it all. he has no direction, no goals, his unemployment runs out in June and he has no idea if he can get an extension, what he will do to make up that money, nothing. I am the only adult in our family and like I said, it's been this way for a long time, this is not new. he has not changed his behavior, I have changed the way I see things and what I want. my plan is to suck it up for the next five years and when our youngest son goes to college to be done. I am so tired of taking care of another adult who is supposed to be my equal partner but because of the ADHD he is just not capable. He is medicated and when I ask him how he thinks he is doing or how he thinks we are doing, he says fine. I'm not surprised-what's not to love about a life where you get to behave any way you want and someone else does all the hard stuff. I would love to not have to be so vigilant all the time, to only have to think about myself and know that someone else is making sure all the boring hard grown up stuff like bills and appointments and disciplining and schlepping kids and making meals just magically gets done.
how do other non-ADHD spouses manage to keep doing what needs to be done with so little help and in fact having to work around someone who often makes things a WAY bigger project than they need to be???