What I want

I wonder to myself, How does a good marriage keep it together and why doesn't mine feel good to me? I found the following on the internet.

"Eros cannot survive the vagaries of a long marriage in which one partner willingly and constantly sublimates their own needs in order to mollify and hold onto the more dominant partner." I agreed with the philosopher Andre Comte-Sponville that the essence of romantic love (eros) is want. In other words, to be 'in love' is to be consumed by a passionate longing for someone. Hence it is impossible for two people to stay 'in love' when they have lived together for a long time. Why? Because when want is satisfied, it ceases to be want. We cannot continue to crave that which we already possess. The Scottish philosopher David Hume (1711-1776) once wrote an essay about marriage, polygamy and divorce. In it, he remarked that romantic love requires freedom in order to survive. 'Love is a restless and impatient passion, full of caprices and variations: arising in a moment... and suddenly extinguishing after the same manner. Such a love requires liberty above all things.' (From Hume's essay, Of Polygamy And Divorces) Typically, when two people fall in love, they are free and unattached. They live in different houses, lead separate lives and are free to give their hearts to whoever they choose. Romantic love flourishes under these circumstances. The time lovers spend apart makes the time they spend together all the more precious; and love is all the sweeter when it is given freely and spontaneously. But once two people commit to being 'a couple' (typically by marrying), they are no longer free to live and love as they please. Their actions and affections become bound by constraints - constraints that are entered into voluntarily, but constraints nonetheless. Eros cannot flourish under these circumstances. Duty, responsibility and routine are inimical to passion. In time, the heart palpitations and giddy intoxication of new love must give way to something more serene. But although eros cannot survive without liberty, friendship can. David Hume writes: 'But friendship is a calm and sedate affection, conducted by reason and cemented by habit; springing from long acquaintance and mutual obligations; without jealousies or fears, and without those feverish fits of heat and cold, which cause such an agreeable torment in the amorous passion.' Unlike eros, friendship thrives under constraint. The very stuff that chokes the life out of passion (duty, responsibility and routine) causes friendship to flourish and bloom. 'Friendship... never rises to such a height as when any strong interest or necessity binds two persons together, and gives them some common object of pursuit.' This is why successful marriages are not characterised by swoons, sighs and palpitations of the heart - though they will have had their share of these things at the beginning. They are characterized by care, consideration and tenderness. The happy couple, says Comte-Sponville, 'have managed to transform the passion and ardour they had in the beginning into joy, gentleness, gratitude and trust, into happiness in being together.'  In other words, into friendship. Does this mean that desire has no place in a long-standing relationship? Not at all. It merely changes.  But as eros subsides and friendship increases, a couple learn to love less selfishly. Love-making becomes less urgent, but more generous; and although passion subsides, pleasure remains. Successful couples manage to unite friendship with desire."  Gary Hayden, Mind Your Body, The Straits Times

I would like someone to honor duty, responsibility and routine with me on this journey of life. A friend who I can trust and depend on so that he is strong enough to be there for me when I feel weak. A man who shares feelings and thoughts about the mundane little things in life and also the planning, forethought and follow through's for the big things. Sharing. A man who strives for spiritual, emotional, intellectual and financial growth.  I have had that.  I know how "homey" that feels.  It feels good. 

I am learning that ADD or not, the striving for that kind of maturity and caring is what would turn me on more than any promises or romantic gesture ever could. A relationship I could feel proud to be in. Mr and Mrs Good Friends....trusting and at peace - together, long term.

Because I don't believe I had the love I wanted (comfortable, dependable Mr and Mrs Good Friends) my need for love has not been satisfied. I have been "wanting" or as stated above, was still tortuously "in love" (in want).  While my DH is not wanting in love from me (because I was constantly trying to have that with him), he has moved on to more interesting shiney things because he probably believes I love him enough (too much, so much that he must stay away and not share because he needs more freedom).  I have loved him but I don't like him.  I don't like the way I feel when I am with him.

Jenna.....

My dear.....there are simply no words for how deeply this post struck me. You pulled the words right out of my soul and onto paper. "Sharing. A man who strives for spiritual, emotional, intellectual and financial growth. I have had that. I know how "homey" that feels. It feels good." I have had that too. Ya know what it feels to me?? It feels safe. I am not safe with my mate. I"m not safe emotionally, financially, physically (driving in a car with him is an experiement in terror). I can't trust him with the intimacys of me....the whole me. I thought I could. In the beginning, in the world of hyperfocus, I was certain that I could trust him with that and much more. Then .....well, you know that rest. I pray someday that I find it within myself to know that my daughter will be ok if her would is split from a divorce. Right now, I'm still not there. This marriag brings me so much sorrow. So much pain and longing. Thank God I have all of you to tell it to. I wish so much that you find peace and a sense of something that feels good and safe. Take good care of yourself darlin'. Gina B

You are incredible with

You are incredible with words. I have none in reply. I feel you have just spoken from within my heart. You should treat yourself tonight for being so honest and helping others. I am looking to move to the otherside of the country to get away from this pain, ive woken up this morning and im scared, but because of your post I dont feel lonely. Thank you
 

Fabulous words. I've saved

Fabulous words. I've saved them. It can be so difficult for me to find my voice, but your words mirror my soul. Thank you Jenna ...

((HUGS)) I think you are on a

((HUGS)) I think you are on a very tough journey to finding yourself again...that journey is never easy and often involves accepting our 'realities' and mourning what we thought we would have compared to what we actually have, but don't give up...just keep searching.