I am also new here, I have been reading for a couple of months now but just never wrote anything yet. From all the stories I have read, I can say that any of the husbands described here by other wives could be mine. The stories are all so similar, the anger, frustration, etc. But there is always a new twist, so maybe I can use some input here.
My husband was diagnosed ADHD during his childhood. He was medicated until he was old enough to say he wasn't going to take it anymore. When we were first married during the honeymoon phase things were ok. It wasn't until about a year later that I became more and more aware of how the symptoms really affected me/us. I became very depressed and went to counseling and also started taking depression meds. It helped quite a bit, but it didn't last long. We then went to marital counseling, which did help, for a while. The counselor suggested that my husband go back to take meds, and since I also insisted he went back to ritalin. He didn't really give any other medication any chance, but the ritalin seemed to be working ok. So with the counseling, ritalin and my meds things were manageable. Not great, but ok.
So about 8 years ago he lost his job he had since out of high school with his father. His dad had hired him on his business, paid him a great salary, gave him lots of perks, but never expected much of him. His dad is definitely an enabler. Does not know how to say no to his son. So my husband "took advantage" of the situation and that's how he lead his life. Showed up to work around 10, left for lunch at noon, back at 1:30, then home by 4. Took as many vacations as he wanted, worked hard some days, took it easy most of the time. I saw this as a problem from day one, but my husband's answer was always, don't worry, everything will be fine, when I asked what would happen to him if his dad was no longer around.
But nothing happen to his dad per say, he just got tired of it and decide to tell my husband: either you take over the business and I retire or I am closing down the company. My husband did not feel he could run the business. He got paralyzed. He sat at home for months, not knowing what to do.
Long story short, this was 8 years ago. Since then he has had at least about 12 full time jobs, and some other part time in between. He can find jobs and get himself hired, but he can't keep a job. He either gets fired (not sure the reason) or quits because he can't stand people telling him what to do; or because he didn't' like the job that much, or because it was too stressful. Who knows? It is just insane, it has been an emotional roller coaster ever since. We have two kids ages 10 and 8. I went back to work after my second was born and I can say I have been the only constant source of income for us, and lately I have been the sole provider. Besides all the household chores (no need to mention that even though he is home I still have the majority of the responsibility at home and with the kids).
Back 3 years ago I asked for a separation. He agreed at first, but changed his mind and wouldn't leave the house. I had a lease so couldn't leave until the lease was up. They were really hard times for us. He would say horrible things to me and put the kids against me. He said he would not leave as his name was on the lease also. I had no way around this, so I filed for divorce, even though we still lived together (hadn't slept together in more than a year). I tried to serve him with the papers and he refused to sign, I had to hire someone professional to serve him. Once he got served, the process started and he got really weird. He was trying to save the marriage but going all wrong about it. I needed some space, all I had asked was for a separation but he wouldn't go for it. He wasn't listening. One day on a Sunday morning he woke up very agitated and I felt something was wrong. He started asking me why I didn't love him anymore, etc. We started arguing and he got violent and broke a lot of our picture frames, punched a whole through the door, broke glass, etc. He did not hit me or the kids thank God. I called 911 and they came and took him. It was in jail for 4 days for domestic violence and property damage. I moved out when he was gone.
During the next several weeks, after he was out of jail, he kept calling me, texting me, probably even following me. He would leave around 50 messages on my work phone everyday. It was crazy. He called me so many names I can even repeat them. It was crazy, emotional, scary. He tried to commit suicide (at least said he was) so his dad and I had to call 911 and have him committed. They let him go after only 1 day and they had told us he would stay at least 72 hours. My husband is a good talker, he can convince anyone of anything really.
He finally gave up, moved away to another state and that was it. He simple cut off the kids from his life altogether. Did not call, did not write, missed their birthdays and Christmas. He said that if we couldn't be together than there was no reason for him to be their father. THe kids only existed because we were together , so without us, there was no kids....I was devasted and the kids were soooooo sad I can even tell you. They were both in counseling but still couldn't understand why their daddy that they loved so much wouldn't want to talk to them. I couldn't understand either. At firs I thought he was just playing games but as time went on, he was actually serious. So the divorce was final a few months later and he did not show up for the hearing. I was awarded sole custody of the children. He still wouldn't talk to the kids and a year went by. I became once again very depressed for my children, I was overwhelmed for having to raise them by myself. THE kids were doing bad in school, I didn't have my family around as they live far away. I had to make a decision. I was either going to move with the kids close to my family (that had other implications, I can explain later) or I was going to go back with him. ANd I did the later. The unthinkable, the impossible....I sucked it up and called him back to return.
Well, at first I had made some requests, put them in writing and he thought they were really reasonable. It's been 2 years since we are back together, it has been THE WORSE as it had ever been before. Much longer periods of unemployment, he has been home for a year now. He doesn't' take any meds, doesn't go to counseling, doesn't' have insurance (we are not married so he cant' be on mine), walks around the house demanding things, I have to pay for his beer, to go out to eat, etc. Our finances are in terrible shape, I went from having to support 3 to have to support 4. He is a cry baby, doesn't talk to me for days when he doesnt' get his way on something. It's my worse nightmare.
My attitude ever since we got back together: I am going to do what I am suppose to do; when my kids are old enough to understand that daddy won't be around because he "chooses" not to be around, then I am OUT OF HERE. But I have a problem: that seems so far away....... 10 plus years...I don't think I can handle it. Help. I dream everyday of the day when I am going to be free. I feel trapped, I fell used and abuse, not once but twice. I tried everything. So I think. I think I know what I have to do: stop being an enabler just like his father. I did not enforce any of the agreements that we had when he came back - shame on me for that! I don't take care of myself. I spend most of the time trying to make him happy so he doesn't make my life more miserable in return.
I am so tired, so burned out, I need some feedback please.
Thanks for having this site for us.