I've been with my ADHD partner for 6 months. The beginning was different; I remember feeling as if there were hints of hyperfocus, but mainly because we had looser schedules and practically lived in each other's backyards. It was easy to be together and spend time. Fast forward a few months, and he's moved 30 minutes away, and we both have busier work schedules. I don't usually see him during the work week, and if I do, it's only for an hour or two late in the evening. We generally spend weekends together because of the lack of time during the week.
I find myself concerned because I feel like he's pulling away from me. Lately, I've noticed he keeps planning things to do with his "guy friends" (who don't have girlfriends). I brought this up to him, and he told me that he would need this kind of space, no matter who he dated. He called it a "break" that he needs to take every once in a while. I understand the need for individuality. However, I feel that I have that for myself during the week - I engage in hobbies and see my friends and family. He doesn't have work hours that permit him to do that, so he crams it in during the weekend.
On top of this, he consistently changes plans at the last minute - and it seems like it's easy to do with me. It doesn't seem as if he'll cancel on a guy friend, but he is likely to change things around on me, disappoint me. We have had conversations about this, but it doesn't seem to change. He said he's entitled to "change his mind at any time" - as I am as well. Unfortunately, I'm a planner.
I can't tell if I'm turning into a co-dependent partner, or what, but I feel upset and jealous that he doesn't seem to want to hyperfocus on me. In all of my past relationships, my partners wanted to spend EVERY SINGLE MINUTE WITH ME. At times, it was smothering. In this relationship, I feel like I'm more of a hobby to my boyfriend than a partner.
He has amazing qualities, many of the characteristics that I see in a future husband. He is adventurous, charismatic and often happy go lucky. But how do I know if I should keep dating him? How do I know now (at 27) if my partner (who is 26) will turn out to be one of the bad cases that I read on this forum?
Note: he has been on medication for several years.
Please help. At this point, I don't even know what I'm asking. I just need someone to talk to who can relate to anything written above.
Sounds like a Classic ADDer to me...
Submitted by YYZ on
I know this because I am an ADDer. I did not know I was at his age and was not diagnosed until age 43. Meds, therapy and posting here for a long time has really changed me for the better, I think... From your description it sounds like he's un or under medicated, combined with maybe not being able to recognize his behaviors. Time to hit the Books, maybe? Melissa's book or many others mentioned on this site. Ground rules, boundaries and routine are what an ADDer needs to assist in the area of inattentiveness. To this day, during the week, my DW and I don't communicate much during the day, but we end up at home every night and we are older with kids running everything :) Remember, the ADD brain lives in the moment and who or whatever is right there in front of him will be the likely choice for after work activities, especially being young with single friends giving you crap about not going out with the guys because They don't have girl friends.
I'm not sure what to tell you exactly, because an ADDer Must know how he/she affects the people around them. There are things you can do to understand how his brain works, but you cannot fix anything where he is concerned. Keep reading and posting here. Many of my on-line friends: Sherri, Ellamenno, PJLoops, ADDWife, DF, Needsalife, ADD Husband, Sue and so many more my early ADD brain cannot think of without looking the Long list of Great Helpers to my personal cause can help you a lot ;)
The bottom line is you can only fix yourself. You can do things to help the situation, which you are because you are here, but the ADDer is a complex personality to deal with, but I've always said "Everyone" is hard to deal with, so you just have to find the best overall fit for you :)