What if it’s both of you?


I've just found this sight and am hoping for a little advice about my relationship. This will be a long post and I apologise for that.

My partner and I have been together for about 10 years. We have three gorgeous children. I love him dearly. He is kind and smart and patient.

We had long suspected that he had some kind of learning difficulty as he had little success at school or university and found it hard to build a career. A few years ago he realised he might have ADHD and while he was researching he also realised I probably did too, although we present very differently.

I received a diagnosis in 2021 and he got his earlier this year.

As I mentioned, we are very different. I run on adrenaline and tend to operate at a million miles an hour. I chose coaching over medication as I felt that right now I'm in a good place and I needed strategies. I have a tendency to push myself too hard and burn out periodically. I work full time, mainly from home, and do the majority of the domestic labour too. 

He hasn't worked for a couple of years and although he does a few regular domestic tasks, spends the vast majority of his time at his computer. I know his biggest ADHD challenges are task initiation and a chronic fear of failure that prohibits him from going for what he wants. He recently tried medication but had a bad reaction and so is untreated.

We are under significant financial pressure, never have enough money and I feel on the verge of tears often. I work so hard just keeping us afloat and try to be supportive of him and a good mum to our kids. I am constantly running right on the edge of my capacity. I am exhausted.

I love him very much and we get on really well. We share common values and he's a wonderful dad. But I am so tired carrying such a disproportionate load in our family. I understand how ADHD makes it so hard for him to be who he wants to be and have the life he wants. I don't want to make out that he is 'lazy' or 'doesn't care'. But the end result feels the same. 

I have my own struggles that are caused by my ADHD and my other diagnoses and if I'm honest I feel resentment that I still have to pick up the hard stuff that requires me to do all the things I actually really struggle with. 

I feel so close to giving up on this and keep fantasising about whether it would just be easier alone. Feeling constantly let down is so demoralising. I want us to work, but I feel hopeless. I don't have the energy to do anymore to help him, and he doesn't seem to be able to do more either.

I don't even know how to bring this to him because I worry he will shut down and see it as proof he is useless or stupid as he was told so often when he was young. He's none of those things. 

How can I save us? Any thoughts so welcome. 

Sending blessings