what if it is too late?

I have spent the last 15 years dealing with a relationship crippled by ADHD (recently diagnosed as "mild" by non adhd shrink), and I am wondering if I am simply done.  he is taking meds and I can see he is trying to address the things that I told him I had a problem with.  But the anger is still just RIGHT THERE any time I start to talk about what I have been through.  He has said HORRIBLE unkind things to me...admitted that he calculated they were horrible, but he said them anyway...He is not affectionate in any way unless he wants sex, which I have absolutely NO interest in...even though I have always enjoyed it with others before we got together and continue to have an active "solo" sex life.

we have a house we won't be able to sell for a while, 2 kids (4 and 15 months), and plenty of bills...so separating will be difficult and painful (apart from the emotional impact for us and our children).  But i deserve so much better then this... (and he deserves someone who isn't so angry, resentful, and bitter).

I am not sure I can get over what has gone on.  I am in therapy too.  I can't help feeling like I would just be happier living alone with my kids, not subjected (held hostage) to ever whim, the pressure for sex (and kink --  i like kink, but this always feels so contrived).

I am really trying hard to figure out if this is how I want to spend my life.  He does a lot of things right (like hold down a job and interact with the kids)...but i don't know...i might be done.

I too am wondering. Been

I too am wondering. Been with him for 15 years. 2 kids. They feel the tension. Did the therapy thing myself for years and years. He wont go. We did the couple therapy, but ti wasnt geared towards adhd, he managed to get it towards me....Says its all my childhood trauma, he is taking meds. Its all me. I talk back, I refuse to listen, I yell, and whatever else he can defend himself with. We just had another conversation about money that he never listens too. I have been telling, yelling, that we dont have money to spend on his every whim. He wants to spend because he thinks each check is "new, found" money. No concept that that money is already been accounted for. After reading and seeing how miserable everyone is, there seems to be no hope or happy ending. Seems hard no matter what. Are relationships hard, or are THESE relationships hard? I find myself wishing i knew what it was like on the other side. What is it like to have a grown up think and speak intelligently. Perhaps teach me how to do something different, be with someone that i truly admire. I feel like i have grown up and he never will. Its Documented proof... He will never mature. Hard to find positive in any of this. What are the kids learning from all of this? Marriage is about yelling and screaming? Just saying whatever to avoid being wrong is acceptable? To lie about everything and fight to the death because you will not be wrong? I am exhausted and uninterested. Forget about sex, was never that great to begin with, but he seems to think it is my job to take care of him because he wont do it himself. No thanks. Not my job. Thats earned buddy. That is supposed to be a bonus in relationships as far as i am concerned... I was looking at the book this site talks about, but just getting the energy up to consider trying again, is exhausting... And for what, to be back here again. He has been trying the last few days and i could care less. He will blame me again. Why even try? I wish i had money and a place to go. Or is not having the money or a safe place to fall the reason for this wish?

"it's up to you to make me

"it's up to you to make me want to"--> his response to my remark that it takes two people to have a relationship and not even acknowledging me when either of us comes home (he'll go to other room, talk to anyone and everyone but me, or go to bed/surf internet on his phone)... I keep thinking he'll hear but instead I think he has given up on this relationship. Yea- its all my fault. Yes, he makes sarcastic remarks about anything I exoress carong about- my newfound fulfillment in church, friends, work... I think he is here for kids, for the ease of being here at home, and hoping that some component is for our relationship...but clearly he is not feeling it nor does he want to. Am I being foolish by forging on? Will it just be prolonging the inevitable while he keeps making it clear I am just an annoyance to him? He'll talk to me like Im a stranger... its Hell sometimes. Am I doing the wrong thing, I keep asking myself...Feeling stupid, friends look upon me w pity it feels like, I am a single mom except gor when I say I need him here so I can go out but there is no relationship stuff unless I ask (and no kindness or sincere interest in me or anything I am doing).

adhd partner that used to want to leave non-adhd partner

Hi xois,

I'm in a relationship of over 8 years now, and the last few years have been stressful for my partner and I.  I am a 30 year old male who has ADHD and was just diagnosed last year. (Although for many years I had suspected as such)  I take meds and go to a psychiatrist every three months.  For the last year or so, I had been the one considering leaving because I could not handle my non-ADHD's anger at me.

What changed over the last few years?  First, I went back to school three years and have just graduated with my B.S. in Mathematics and have been admited to graduate school in the fall).  Second, I started to work overnights for the overnight premium and so that work and school didn't conflict.  Third, my partner's health got worst.  He can't work. Finally, we took in a coworker-turned-friend who was having health problems and eventually lost his job.  Therefore, there was major changes going on around me and major changes going on in me.  School allowed me to mature and realize more about who I am.  My partner's health got worst as more of the household burden was placed on him.  We became, in a sense, two different people (which can happen in any long-term relationship).  And I've done all these little things I've been reading on this site since I joined the other day.  One of the particular things I am bad at is just sitting at my computer and not interact.  But, I recently realized that we need to get to know each other again.  We need to start communicating and get to know each other as friends first.  And that is what I am reading in these posts on this thread.  You know your husband's ADHD behaviors, but do you know him?  One of the things I tell my partner is that "I don't think that way.  I need to understand it my way."  Until recently, this had been a sticking point.  My partner is a very efficient, intelligent, and knowledgeable person (which is why I love him so much), but he often missed the fact that if I do not understand what I am doing or why, it will not stick.  I used to try to explain it how I understand it, and he would ridicule me for it.  It would make me feel lonely and alienated because I got invalidated and made me feel intellectually inferior.

I like posts like yours because it helps me see other side of the coin.  I have said the cold, calculating things to my partner.  Things I have regret.  Our arguments are mostly verbal, but the first and only person I ever punched was my partner, and I fractured a bone in his face doing it.  Since I have been reading on this site and reading what the non-ADHD partners were complaining about, I have even come to realize more that this is a communication issue for us.  One of the first things I swore not to do was interrupt him as much, and in our first conversation after seeing this site, I did so within the first minute, and he got upset.  I realized that if I wanted to make this work, and I do, I had to do something different.  He started to talk again, and I fought the urge to interrupt.  I remembered reading about cues in one of the blog posts and decided on the stop to try a non-verbal cue.  I raised my hand, palm facing my partner, to let him know I wanted him to stop.  He got annoyed the first time, but by the end of the conversation, instead of getting upset at the interrupting, he understood that I wanted to say something when I cued him to stop.  It has help make our conversations a bit more manageable for me.  He likes it because it keeps the conversation on a polite level whereas my verbal interruptions was often interpreted as snotty or arrogant when often I just wanted to make a parallel point.  He has even done it back to me once or twice.  It ain't perfect: I sometimes forget (example: I was typing and interrupted him instead of using the cue.), but it has helped us start to talk instead of argue and yell.

Well, I was going to start making something to eat an hour ago, but I felt as I needed to say something to you.  My partner has interrupted me several times, reminded me of things I said I would do after I wrote this post, discussed some of the relationship points of ours I mentioned while writing it, and we did not argue and yell.  We communicated. 

I hope this helps you maybe see inside the ADHD mind a little better.  If you love your husband as much as I love mine, then there is always hope.