What if it wasn't ADHD but something worse ??????


I've posted here from time to time, frustrated and looking for answers.

After four years of trying to get my wife to understand how her behavior really affected me, my feelings and our relationship, nothing has worked.   Everything continued to be thrown right back at me.  Now you tell me if this makes any sense!   A couple of weeks ago I asked her if she'd join me for supper at Cheesecakes restaurant for her favorite meal.   She was nice and we started out great.  We had agreed to have a nice meal and not to discuss past events.   After she was done eating her attitude changed and she once again started in on me, and brought back past events.  Once again, all the pain returned and frustrations mounted.   Thank God for a wonderful lady counselor who after three months of regular counseling, got through to me on how to remain cool under fire.  It was not easy and she pushed all of my buttons in rapid fire.   Eventually, seeing I was not reacting as she would have liked, she raised her tone of voice and other patrons who were enjoying their meals became quiet, staring at her.   I asked her to lower her voice but she did not seem to care and kept at it.   I got up and went to pay the bill and waited for her.   Her facial expression was that of someone with pure hatred on their face.   She had already forced a separation on me, and then complained I was not being "loving".   How's that supposed to occur when we are separated ?

After four years of this, and counselor after counselor, psychologist after psychologist, psychiatrists and medical doctors telling me I needed to get out of this relationship, I am getting out!   She has been legally served with divorce papers as of last week.   Now she is truly upset, probably because she is not known to ever be wrong, or to have failed!

This is what bothers me the most about this whole relationship and ADHD.   A Psychologist diagnosed her with ADHD (moderate to severe).   But I can't explain away all of the behavior issues with ADHD!   There has to be something else going on and I think I found it.   The following link explains her exactly.   This is EXACTLY what I have lived through, and experienced with this woman over the past four years of our marriage.   Her own family members agree!   My counselor agrees and asked me where I found this information.   The author is well known in the court system when it comes to expert witness in mental health matters.   Here is the link, perhaps someone you know also falls into this category and ADHD, anxiety and depression are only symptoms of this.

The following is only one page and easy to read.   It is about living with difficult people.


As the article states at the end, there is likely NO treatment that will correct this behavior.   It also goes on to say that you must set up boundaries and if needed, put some space between them and yourself.  

I'm searching and welcome educated responses because I've never ever in my life experienced something like this.   I am 56 years old, Fire Fighter with 34 years of experience, easy to get along with anyone.   I can look after myself fully and never had any need for anyone to lok after me.   What I wanted was a loving person without any issues.   When I met my wife, one of her sisters and her husband mentioned in passing that since having met me, she was a different person.   I asked what that meant and they responded by saying my wife was not so nice to get along with.  She had never had a relationship with anyone, lived alone.

I read the article I posted ( link posted above ) not less then a dozen times.   I cannot believe how it fits my wife so perfectly.   I do not think she is anti social, although she does not like to be around people for too long and asks me to go home.   Not anti social, but sure fits the other disorders.

I am posting this because so much has been said about ADHD by our Psychologist that I truly believed ADHD WAS the problem.   A week or so ago she told me she did not have ADHD and that maybe "this was who she is".   She also told me she quit taking her depression meds cold turkey two years ago.  I hope this helps others who are being emotionaly destroyed as I have been.  

I wish you all a very good day and better days ahead.   Read, inform yourself, be honest, and get help before it is too late.



I understand what you're dealing with . . .

. . . and it sounds horrible and difficult. I'm so very sorry that you're going through this, but there are a few things in your article that concern me. It's late, and I actually don't want to upset you further, particularly since I know very well what it is like to be in a relationship with a difficult person, but your post seems so very one-sided. I'm innately wary of anything that reads "it's all her/his fault." Even in the rare instances when it ends up being true, it's difficult for me to wrap my head around it.

Also, I have a bone to pick with that article. I'm actually rather offended at the way it implies that people who act like this were overwhelmingly treated badly as children. When I think of the people I know who grew up in horribly abusive situations, they're very much *not* like this. If anything, they're too meek--they're doormats who have problems setting their own boundaries and fall into toxic, co-dependent relationships until they enter into serious therapy and learn that it's ok to be themselves, be happy, have their own needs, etc. The people I *do* know who are like this had the exact opposite type of childhood--they were coddled and spoiled beyond all reason, and brought up to think that they walked on water. I dated a man for years with NPD. His parents treated him like the second coming and bailed him out whenever he got into trouble--he grew up very much in the opposite of an abusive household. Another person on the periphery of my circle of friends grew up very pampered in a wealthy household, and is the biggest drama queen you've ever met. She fits the description in that article to a t.

I'm actually having a difficult time coming up with an example of someone I know who was abused as a child who fits that description. Maybe that's just the circles in which I move. Just my $.02.

I'm sorry your relationship

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out.  I don't really have much to add except that your article there describes my husband quite well.  But I think his is all ADHD related.  He doesn't really have anger, though-he's very passive agressive.  His childhood was good, too.  No abuse or instability.  Except the troubles that ADHD caused him, especially as a teenager.  Good luck to you.

Re: anger...

Thank you for your response.

Re: the anger.   She does not show anger until her behavior is put into question, then it comes out in a big way.   Otherwise there is no outward anger anyway.   I've come to terms with what I must do and I am completely at peace now.   I hope she does get help soon and I ask all who pray, to remember her in their prayers.   I'm getting excellent help from a wonderful older lady counselor who has the global picture, as does our Psychologist lady.   Both gave me no options other then for me to get out as my wife is as the article describes her exactly.   And she cannot see anything wrong with her actions, irresponsible behavior, and nastiness.   And since she cannot see this, she has no remorse for damage done.  

sapphyre's picture

One with abuse, one without

Yes, they do exist.

One young lady I know admitted to me and her psychologist last year that her father (separated and living elsewhere) sexually abused her every holidays, every time she visited, from the age of 3 to 14 when she told another friend, who horrified, told her to stop visiting!

She has Borderline Personality Disorder.

A workmate's 14yo son appears to be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, this time without the abuse. His parents have had to take out an intervention order to stop him scaring his mother and younger siblings, after he threatens them, attacks the kitchen benches, cupboards with a knife in a rage, and then wonders why they are upset. He has already breached the order multiple times.

Keep in mind that not everyone who suffers trauma gets a mental illness. For example, although a high proportion of war veterans have PTSD, it is less than half, and I'm sure that everyone sees / experiences trauma.

Reply to Sapphyre...

Hi there.   Thank you for your reply.   You bring up interesting possibilities that may cause BPD.   In my wife's case, her childhood was a disaster.   What I know is that her mom married twice and her dad was a drunkard and womenizer.   My wife had to take care of her two younger sisters and look after her mom who was also nasty at times.   The youngest sister will have no relationship with my wife and my wife interdicted me from ever communicating with her.   There are "secrets" in my wife's past that I feel have caused us great pains.   My life is an open book and I've allowed my wife into every part of my life.   This has not been reciprocated and when I asked and asked again, she really became mad and started a year long separation.   That's my wife!   This is why after much effort, pain, two trips to the hospital for me last month, and the advice of doctor, psychologists, and a psychiatrist, I've started divorce proceedings.   I had told my wife I would not accept the trauma of being put through a year + separation as per her wishes with an uncertain future afterwards because I followed what psychologists had told us...for the both of us to work on everything together.   Well, how do you do that when one acts like a dictator and gets truly angry when she feels her "personality" is being attacked ?   How does that work!   Who is attacking who ?   Regretfully, she is completely unable or unwilling to see anything wrong with her behavior.   In fact, she projects it all back onto me.   And this is all done without any remorse.

I do not truly know what her past was like, just what she told me.   I now believe there may have been a lot more to it but was never told.   This is sad because had I been made aware of this before marrying her, I would have asked for more time, much more time as friends before even considering marriage.

Thank you for your response.

hi BreadBaker.. i have to

hi BreadBaker..

i have to agree with you pretty much 100 percent..on your reply here.

it is also my own personal experience that those abused become meek, fearful and timid...in adulthood..and those who are arrogant..entitled...have been spoiled rotten as children.  i have seen it time and time again.. i think we can put labels on many issues..but sometimes its as simple as someome is a spoiled brat!

Re: the article...this is

Re: the article...this is describing a completely different diagnosis. Personality disorders are a completely different ballgame than ADD. I suspect that someone very close to me has borderline (one type) personality disorder. Nothing is ever her fault, she is very difficult to get along with (even her blood relatives cannot get along with her), she's always in the middle of some sort of drama, always making excuses to 'do the wrong thing' and she cannot tell the truth if her life depends on it. She truly lives her life for no one else but herself. The article is DEAD on that she had abandonment issues in her childhood and was tossed around from pillar to post while her mother ran around drinking and doing drugs. Abusive/neglectful childhood are very common in people with PD.

These 'symptoms' are far different from someone with ADD.

I am very sorry that you're struggling to understand and cope with your wife and your marriage. Did you ask your wife that night what it was that made her get so angry..after you'd had such a nice dinner? In any marriage, ADD not excluded, it typically takes two to have a fight. If, on the other hand, she has PD (as you feel, from the article) then I know all too well that with people like that it takes NOTHING to start a fight and you always have to be prepared for drama anytime and every time they are present. Maybe you are right, maybe she does have PD. I hope not, for your sake and hers, because it isn't easily treated..if at all.


Reply to Sherry...

Hi Sherry.    Replying to your question about what happened at our favorite restaurant.   Before we went we were actually getting along well and I was hungry and wanted a chicken taco salad that no one else makes as well as at the Cheesecakes restaurant.   My wife was there so I asked her if she'd like to join me and she said yes.   I asked that we not bring up what is going on in our lives at present and that we simply go and enjoy a nice meal and just talk about other things.   That happened, until after she finished her meal.   Then she suddenly brought up some of the disasters of her past that caused me so much pain.   She started with a normal voice and I let her talk and replied afterwards with very well selected words.   My lady counselor is very good and I learned much on how not to respond negatively.   My wife brought up more and more and raised her voice more too, to the point other patrons were now staring at our table.   I calmly asked her to lower her voice and she stopped for a split second seeing that she was being stared at.   Then she resumed as if we were the only people there.   That's when I left the table and went to pay.   She followed me out with a nasty look on her face.   This is exactly what happened at the restaurant.   What I had hoped for was that we would have a normal conversation about other happenings in the world and enjoy a nice meal.   And I must admit, there is a part of me that still loves this woman and I keep hoping that by being nice to her she might give us a chance.   My counselor later told me that this was a huge red flag as to her true personality.

That is only the tip of the iceberg Sherry.   Regretfully, she also fits the big picture of the webpage I posted.   She is not antisocial but does not like to be around groups of people for too long.  

Someone else posted a reply that there is a huge difference between BPD and ADHD.   I get that.   What I do not get is what comes first.   Is the BPD a symptom of ADHD or vice versa ?   ADHD is treatable.   BPD apparently is not.   And I am right in the middle of this trying to figure out what is hitting me from all sides without provocation.   I believe she really tried to make me mad at the restaurant and because I did not respond according to her wishes and make an ass of myself in public, she added insult to injury.   I truly felt no hatred, no anger but yes, my frustration was building up as I saw this as an evil thing after what was supposed to be a good meal and good time out.

Thank you all for responding.   Perhaps the web heads here can add something or clear the air for me on what happens with people with BPD and how ADHD can manifest itself as a symptom of BPD ?   I am all ears.   Thank you.