Hello,
I have been married for 5 years and known my husband for over 10 years now. I have always had my doubts and have been doing enough research, talking to his parents, friends and observing and I have realised over the years that a lot of his patterns and our issues in our relationship suggest that he is showing signs of ADHD. He has self-diagnosed himself as 'dyslexic' as it seems to be easy enough and more glamourous diagnosis as he is a creative professional but he refuses to get assessed for it or if I ever mentioned ADHD he would have one of those massive anger outbursts that I am too scared to risk. How do I even go about doing anything about it as I am getting more and more certain that that is what it is. I understand that obvious answer is to find the right moment to talk but he NEVER ever wants to talk about anything that is even vaguely uncomfortable for him. I can never bring up this. Is there anything else I can do?
Thank you
Yes there is....You can accept it.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Don't make your life's goal (the rest of your life) to change or even understand the way your spouse's mind works....Make your life's goal to live a loving, responsible adult life...Whether he exists as your spouse are not, your own actions is what will determine the quality of your future....
Believe what you see, he show's you who he is everyday, and in every way...Defensiveness, and out bursts as it relates to his actions and behaviors, that is common for minds in denial of their true selves...(The one the spouse experiences) Set boundaries in the area's you know he can never be trusted, (things as simple as seeing himself, and being able to discuss it) and move forward with wise living principles....
It definitely doesn't mean we don't love our spouses when we refuse to support behaviors that are unwise or possibly destructive to our futures.....It just means we aren't going to allow ourselves to be drug down an unwise and destructive road, just because our spouse choose's it....
All marriages relationships are different...We should Never try to force our relationships to mirror what we call the statues quo....That will always end in disaster for one or both spouses....Many of us have to set boundaries on ourselves to not take part in things, many married couples have no problem sharing in....And when we selfishly try (dislike the restriction of the boundaries) we pay for it....
Acceptance of reality!
Blessings, I hope you can find a peaceful way for yourself.....
c
Thank you
Submitted by CTJT on
Yes, I totally totally agree with you and that is the direction I have taken especially over the last couple of years as I realised expecting him to change or expecting anything to change in my life due to anything external is not fruitful. I have been able to be more calm, loving and non-responsive due to the work I have done on myself. I still would love it if he would look inwards a little as it will not only help me and us but him personally too.
Forcing accountability....
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand; isn't it nice when everyone is looking internally:)...(Ownership) But we can't do that for each other...But, we can take charge of our own lives, set boundaries, and put our foot down with in our own heart and mind, about what we will and want take part in....
Defiance usually breeds defiance...It can become a pissing contest...Also, fear and egg shells have to go first....Be the person you were created to be...Stand up for yourself if you want to force accountability...It doesn't have to be a show!...It should be you calmly showing him by your actions..Healthy marriage relationships cannot exist if it's not two people showing love, honor and respect..Period!...Never say things you don't mean and are not willing to follow up on....
You will find that many many adhders (fast minded people) have creative or artistic talents....You will also find many who refuse to work for others...They know they want step up in timeliness and rule following enough to hold a job....
You can't have a healthy attachment with someone who refuses to discipline their lives in that area...But non-participation when the fruit of the effort is one sided and chaos producing will get their attention...Adhd minded people can be very self absorbed, especially if another adult (us) is making their lives easy...Just be wise, and stand the ground of love, but always quietly walk away from dysfunction or intrusive or abusive behavior...You are not his toy, many spouses have to learn that....Married life is about the two, never just about one....
If we don't get off the merry-go-round, we are just another part of the problem!...Quietly and wisely be the solution:)
c
Hit rock bottom
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Unfortunately, it often takes hitting rock bottom. My wife has previously seen "experts" who did not know anything about ADULT ADHD and therefore dismissed my concerns when they said either she does not have or, even worse yet, one how says she does not "believe in diagnoses."
A parenting coach/family therapist who we had last year had lots of experience working with special needs adults and she said that she also saw signs of ADHD in my wife.
I went to the CHADD website and found someone who is the head of a local chapter. My wife has agreed to see her, but this has happened after a big rock bottom event--our daughter was hospitalized for the second time in less than a month for mental and emotional health issues, including ingesting hand sanitizer. My wife's impulsivity and inability to listen has created a lot of conflict which has contributed to our daughter's problems. She forgets all about the parenting advice from experts such as the parenting coach. She won't listen when I try to deescalate the situation, only to blame me for "not doing anything" once she makes the problem much worse. The fight becomes an end in itself. Even the marriage counselor who advertised herself as an adult ADHD expert but does not believe in diagnoses has repeatedly told her that she should listen to me when I try to deescalate.
Our daughter said that things have to change before she comes home. My wife scoffed at this, but I laid out how her behaviors were indeed aggravating our daughter's problems. I also explained why I saw hope in an ADHD diagnoses--I had feared that her symptoms might have been the result of Borderline Personality Disorder.
bowlofpetunias - Hand sanitizer FYI
Submitted by jennalemone on
bowlofpetunias - Check the sanitizer packaging. I just happened to see this in the news. FYI. Your daughter is not the only one to have injested hand sanitizer.
"The US Food and Drug Administration is warning consumers about alcohol-based hand sanitizers being packaged in containers that look like food or drink packaging.
“The agency has discovered that some hand sanitizers are being packaged in beer cans, children’s food pouches, water bottles, juice bottles and vodka bottles,” a news release from the agency said. “Additionally, the FDA has found hand sanitizers that contain food flavors, such as chocolate or raspberry.”
The FDA received a report from a consumer who bought what they thought was drinking water, but was actually hand sanitizer, the release says. There was also a report of a hand sanitizer product that used children’s cartoons in marketing that came in a pouch that resembled a snack."
Thank you
Submitted by CTJT on
I read your other posts too, I really admire you for sticking by. My child and the treatment he gets from my husband (who is completely unaware of the effect of his actions on our son) are a sore point for me. I am really wishing that he would be able to change a bit, otherwise their relationship will sour soon. Our child is only 5, so not yet realising the meaning of thoughtless commentary that comes from my husband much but I keep doing damage control and I am afraid I cannot do that much longer as he grows and understands more. I am also hoping that may be our son would finally be the catalyst for it all to change.
Having kids aggravated the ADHD
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
ADHD led my wife to think that being a perfect mother would come easy. But the more she tried for what SHE thought of as "perfect mother", the more angry she became. For example, our kids (daughter and son five years apart) were supposed to be BEST FRIENDS! Yeah, right. Every time they fought, it set her off because it "was not supposed to" be happening. In fact, the fight over the restaurant started after I came back to the car at a restop and my wife was enraged by the kids fighting--like kids do. Then came the "Ready, Fire, Aim!" The rage got redirected toward me. In general, the demands of parenting put more stress on those with ADHD, making their symptoms worse. She also had a very narcissistic mother and I believe her rejection sensitive dysphoria compels her to be the perfect mother to show her mother she is worthy--even though her mother has been dead for a few years now. ADHD also contributed to my wife pressuring our son to do theater--her passion--even when he was clearly no longer enjoying it. He brings this up often, so it did cause lasting damage to their relationship.
'massive anger outbursts' are rage
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
In my experience the 'massive anger outbursts' you've encountered seemed more accurately called 'rage'. I do not consider this semantics. 'Rage' is deeper, far less rational, and dangerous. I had decades of trying to redirect any contentious issue in an attempt to avoid the very quick launch into spitting rage. Any time my ex-wife seemed to perceive she was being disrespected or criticized she would go ballistic. The transition could be almost instantaneous. I could never be sure what particular issue would act as a trigger. Seemingly minor things could immediately explode. Not dealing with this repeated behavior is one of the few benefits I've had from getting divorced.
I agree.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree. "Massive anger outbursts" are rage.
I spent the last 10 years of my marriage walking on eggshells, afraid to set him off. I lived with fear and anxiety, knowing anything could trigger his rage. Glad he is now an ex, he can deal with his own issues.
Yes
Submitted by CTJT on
Yes, it is rage, I get it and it comes from a place of complete irrationality and totally unexpected. I am trying not to react to it but it is hard and scary!
Rage
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Rage is why ADHD is sometimes misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder (also know as emotional dysregulation disorder). People with ADHD often also suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria. 4 to 5 years ago, my wife's rages against me reached the point where I was seriously considering divorce. Validating her emotions (recognizing them, not saying they are correct) helped. She still gets into a lot of rages wtih the kids. She does not listen to them, and then invalidates their emotions. Also, she gets provoked because they kids do not validate her emotions. It's the perfect storm--one that I have compared to walking into a tornado and trying to reason with it. She finally has an appointment with a actual adult ADHD expert--the chair of a local CHADD chapter--next week. Our daughter has been hospitalized for mental and emotional health issues twice recently. The stress of fights with my wife have contributed to this, so it is really, really important to finally get her to take action to control her rages. I have often compared fighting with my wife to dogs fighting. One dog will instinctively show the other dog its belly, effectively communicating, "Yes, you can kill me, but we both know that you won't actually kill me now that I surrendered." This does not work with my wife. You can completely surrender and she just keeps going for the belly. This then creates the believe in those she is attacking that they have to fight to the end because there is no other option. It was very hard for me to get past that reaction and detach myself. I need to be able to stop internalizing her rage and criticism and recognized that the rage was because there was something wrong with her, not with me. I am not responsible for proving my innocence to her or for getting her to calm down. Attempts to do so are futile. She once picked a restaurant and then started a fight because I wanted to eat at a restaurant we could not afford! I did not even know which one we were going to! Her rage was so strong that the fact that SHE chose the expensive restaurant did not matter. It then shifted to lambasting me for "getting defensive" when she was yelling and screaming at me. All this happened in the car with our kids. It eventually grew to her blaming me for her getting off the highway and driving and driving without any idea where she was going so we got lost.
Goodluck
Submitted by CTJT on
I hope that something shifts for you. I am not sure if I would be able to stick around and display the patience if my child suffered so much. I am really fearful of that and that is the only thing I really care at the moment, minimising impact on my child!
Goodluck with everything!
Thanks, but our daughter did
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Thanks, but our daughter did not ingest hand sanitizer by accident. She had done this at least once before and she had been talking about it before she got sent to the ER. At the ER, she went up to a clearly labeled, wall-mounted hand sanitizer dispenser and ingested some.