This post is directed to the non-ADD spouses/partners who remain in their relationship with an ADD person.
I've only been reading this blog for a short while, but I've noticed two things already. It seems that 90% of those who post are the non-ADD partners of ADD people, and 90% of those aren't happy in the relationship. I suppose that makes sense. People with ADD probably don't read the site for long before they learn what's here, get bored, and stop visiting. People who are happy in their relationship with their ADD spouse probably don't feel the need to keep reading or posting any more, so they stop visiting. That leaves the unhappy non-ADD spouses to continue reading and writing.
I've also noticed that great many different topics are started, but their endings all pretty much look the same. The threads generally progress into a story around a general theme of "It's really awful to deal with the terrible things my ADD spouse does (or fails to do)", with supporting details. Each story is then followed by a series of "Gosh, that's my marriage, too!", and "I'm so glad to learn that I'm not the only one!". There's usually a round of "Boy, they really need to change", "Don't blame yourself", "Remember that all spouses aren't like that" and "There's no need for you to put up with it". Occasionally, somebody will offer a practical suggestion, which others may or may not find useful.
All of this has left me wondering -- What keeps you in these relationships? With all the frustration expressed, is there something else that's so wonderful that it's worth all the frustration? Are you morally opposed to divorce? Is being out of the relationship even more scary than remaining in it? Are you simply trying to make up your mind, and using this forum to sort out the issues? Are you living on the hope that the good old days (when he/she was hyper-focused on you) will return?
I'm struck by the paradox that so many express so much frustration, but nonetheless stay in the relationship. Can you help me understand that?
Economics keep me here
Submitted by Sueann on
I am exactly one of the frustrated spouses you describe. I am 56 and got fired last year, and I went back to school to start a new career 3 years ago. I'll finish in December. Once I get a job in my field, all this will be reevaluated. My job (when I had one) did not provide health insurance and now I have no chance of getting any. Also, I gave up a significant amount of alimony when I married my ADDer. I can't survive without that. (It was really hard when he didn't work, but he is working now)
If I had had a clue that he would change so radically after we were married, I'd have run so fast your head would spin. He is a good-hearted guy but not capable of being a good partner.
Yeah, economics
Submitted by Clarity on
Believe me if I could support myself I would be on my way! In the beginning it was a moral issue for me but, after realizing that things might not ever change I started to think I needed to get out. My ADD spouse has made such a financial mess (and blamed it on me, the cash queen!) We've got lot's of debt and no savings. I'm hoping we don't lose the house one day. There's no family in a position to help right now either. I am literally working for food and gas money while I'm trying to finish school and looking for more work! At fifty! I'm feeling really trapped but thankfully my son is in community college and still home, he's a big help. Darn economy! And, I can't imagine that there could be people in ADD relationships that never need to vent!
We Are Both Working on It
Submitted by Hoping4More on
I am still with my wife because she has gotten a diagnosis, is taking her meds, and is beginning to come to terms with the effect her ADD has on our relationship. And she is working on it.
At the same time I am coming to terms with my part in the dynamic and what I might do differently in our relationship, and I am working on it.
I am still in the marriage because I am a person of hope and I believe change, progress and healing are possible. I am not the same person I was 5, 10 or 20 years ago - much of that due to hard work after gaining insight into some of the things I was doing that got in the way of my happiness. I believe that with effort my wife and I can evolve our relationship into one where we are both happy.
And I am still in the marriage because I love my wife.
In the meantime, as we ARE working on it, and as I still experience anger and frustration, it helps me to participate in this blog. Sometimes to vent, sometimes to ask for suggestions. And as I experience success, joy and hope, to sometimes share progress, and sometimes even MAKE suggestions.
My husband and I kept at it because
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
George and I stayed together because even though we were really miserable, we couldn't believe we couldn't do better. The intractability of the issues we were dealing with just didn't make sense. We had chosen each other as partners for good reason...then things fell apart...why couldn't we make them better again?
I can tell you that five years ago I was AT LEAST as miserable as many of the posters here who vent in our forum about their anger and frustration. I was verbally abusing my husband and in our mutual misery, we had both had affairs. I didn't like him very much and I didn't even like myself much. He felt the same way. Friends wondered why we didn't just get a divorce and be done with it. But figuring out that ADHD symptoms - and my responses to those symptoms - were what was tearing us apart changed our lives. I'm not romanticizing the situation - you have the "aha" moment and then there is a lot of work to do. But the outcome is SO WORTH IT! We have an incredibly strong relationship now - in part because we overcame this together. We know each other very well, trust each other, and find ways to show our love and caring each day. Not to mention our family is still intact.
Not everyone who reads my book or posts at this site will save their marriage. Some marriages were not right to begin with, and others may find that there is so much hurt in their relationship that they can't manage to forgive and move forward to rebuild, even after treating the ADHD. But for those who can, the happiness, wisdom, gratitude and fun you can find is worth all the hard work.
And all that venting? For non-ADHD partners, finding out that others share your experiences is an important part of the process. For ADHD partners, coming to the understanding that the experience your spouse is having isn't a product his or her anger and frustration but a product of living with untreated ADHD symptoms is also critical. It helps him or her move past denial that ADHD is an issue and towards treatment. Reading about it can be painful, but it can also create empathy and begin some important discussions between the two of you.
Before giving up, I hope that couples will see what happens when they:
These things, and more, are explained in detail in The ADHD Effect on Marriage.
Guilt mostly
Submitted by Gina57 on
If you are a person with principles and strong ethics, it's hard to let go of of someone so helpless in the world. It seems like leaving is analogous to knowing a car wreck will happen, and then knowingly letting it happen. Who in their right mind would unleash that trauma on someone who is otherwise a good, lovable person or whom you loved in the past tense, much less a stranger? What would they do without someone to take care of them, someone as patient as yourself? The causal reasoning is off, certainly, but it's not difficult to take up this line of thinking. So I suppose it's misplaced guilt.
New...lost...what's keeping me here?
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
I want to keep this short, though I do have a lot to say, not sure if everything or anything is going to make sense as I put it all out here...I'm hurting and I'm so very angry - destroyed - desperate - I don't know how to start this or where to turn, who to talk to... it's been a year and a half. We're engaged as of April (though I am constantly questioning why we made this decision - I love him, I'm just not sure it's enough to keep us together anymore) -I'm unraveling, fast now. I can't handle the ordeals anymore we were happy, once. I was always a quiet well put together person, everything going great and the typical good girl scenario, then I met the guy I am engaged to today.
It seems so much longer than a year and a half that we've known one another because of everything - the struggles - the fights - feeling like a 'parent' rather than a 'partner'....I'm still not sure if I've ever really known what it feels like to be his girlfriend over feeling like a parent before I was ready to take on the things that I did not know I was signing up for when I initially met him.
I just turned 27 in June, he's 30... we're a mess, we have been for most of the time we've known each other aside from the first 3 months after our meeting. After the first three months it all went down hill so fast. I don't know what else to do at this stage, I found myself almost looking for easy options out of this in terms of anything.
I love him, my heart and body know it, my mind thinks I'm nuts for continuing to tolerate things the way they are - I hate the ADD. I can't differentiate anymore what are truly the 'ADD' characteristics and what are his true personality characteristics or how to see the differences when they happen.
I ask myself every morning why I am still here, I love him but I can't do this anymore and I can't make a final decision either way. Counseling is expensive, we're young and broke but the non the less I feel with the right help we still have what it takes to make it. Be happier and get back what we lost after our first three months....
I'm so lost, just hurting so much lately...
Engaged to person....
Submitted by Lrk04 on
RUN>>>do not look back. This should and will be the happiest time of your relationship, if it is bad now think of what it would be w/twins and no health ins.
walk away
Submitted by yvonne5272 on
I agree, why put yourself through this, this is a tough life. Had I known back then that my husband would later be diagnosed with ADHD, I wouldn't have gotten married. Now I'm wondering if I can stay in it, plus I have a 3 year old to think of.
I hope my story will bring a new perspective.
Submitted by j.mack on
I have ADD. I've spent my entire life feeling like the odd-man-out and generally inept. I was 24 when I met my wife. Her eyes, smile and laugh warmed my heart but it was the way she treated me like a companion that caused me to fall in love with her. Our first six months together were near bliss. Neither of us knew I had ADD but the symptoms were there. By the one year mark she had doubts that our marriage would work. I was convinced that I could improve in the ways I needed to and that she was worrying too much. We had a 'shotgun' wedding and all the stresses of having a child, buying a home, and me getting laid-off within the first year of our marriage. There was a lot of disillusionment for both of us. She lost hope in the dreams she had for her life and even her sense of identity. I felt blamed for every disappointment and felt criticized at every turn. I lost my sense of identity and the companionship I had cherished above all else. Two yeas ago I was diagnosed with ADD but by then we were seven years into our marriage. We were miserable beyond words. Through medicine, therapy, education and coaching, I have made great progress in curbing the impact my ADD has had on our family. I am fortunate that my symptoms are not as severe as many others with ADD. However, the years of disappointment and criticism have caused us each so much pain that I our marriage can not be made whole. We separated two months ago. I believe it is for the best. Things surely would have been better had my diagnoses come earlier. But I believe it was the years of disappointment/guilt/blame that killed the marriage. ADD is managed, not cured. People learn ways to deal with it, sometimes to even use it as an asset but you do not get rid of it.
Good question...scratching the bottom of the barryl for a respon
Submitted by renoir911 on
What kept me there all this time was that only recently my wife was diagnosed by a Psychologist with this condition (ADHD). I lived with trying to make sense with most of the symptoms I observed and put up with. We have been through counsellors and workshops followed with a diagnosis. Now she has gone back to her Psychologist who told her that she probably does not have ADHD. He has no idea other then what she tells him in the short meeting as opposed to days of joint sessions and workshops where I was not only interviewed but I also accepted to take the very same tests. So she has completely devaluated not only her diagnosis, but also the lady Psychologist and the whole scientific process. Not only that, but since the end of May of this year she has forced a separation on me. Still lives in the same house making good use of everything I own and the fruits of my labor (my bank accounts). For her, this is called a "legal separation". There is also a nasty side to her as she argues and projects all the bad habits and symptoms of her illness onto me. Basically, I am mud.
So why do I stay ? Economics. I would be financially destroyed and she knows it too.
What are my options ? I am told by a Psychologist, and a Psychiatrist and also counselors that I need to get out. This is the latest comment a Psychologist sent to me in exasperation! My own family physician asked me if I had a martyr complex for staying.
"I don't think you are convincing her of anything--as I said a relationship is a choice. It seems to me she has chosen not to engage except on her terms--which is not an interaction. It is a 'power tactic'. I think you are mistaken if you think mediation will change that. If you are looking at divorce, you should probably just file the papers."
So why I stay is economics and still love for her, but as you can see, it may be better to be poor then ABUSED.
I just saw Dr. Orlov and Dr. Hallowell's video on "TODAY" and sent it to my counselor lady to save on her pc and show to my wife and I on what I think will be our last joint session. That video presentation tells my story without having to bring it all back on the table and create stress all over again. I am at peace now having the best counselor anyone could ever need. I am at peace because after four years of nonsense I finally made a decision for me. If my wife also devalues the "TODAY" presentation on ADHD and how it can affect marriage, then that will be it for me.
Your question "Why do you stay" is good. Perhaps many non ADHD spouses feel abused and afraid to make am move. Perhaps it is economics. Perhaps it is because they still love their partner. For me, I stayed to try to reason it out, regretfully, unsuccessfully. You cannot reason with the unreasonable. So my decision now is to let go. My mental health is invaluable to me as I need to work to pay bills. I may ask myself "why I stayed this long". For me, having experienced my spouse's ADHD's symptoms head on and continually has caused immeasurable stress in our marriage. The worst stress come from the fact that she devaluates everyone who disagrees with her. That is what is most difficult for me to accept. Perhaps there is more then ADHD at work! Perhaps there is also some BPD at work. So many trained and licensed professionals cannot all be wrong.
Good night everyone.
renoir911
Submitted by susan tharp on
My kids keep me here
Submitted by suz23 on
I realized about 2 years ago that if it were just the 2 of us, I'd have left my husband years ago. I deserve better than the roller coaster of quit/lost jobs, endless soul-searching, blame for things that are not my fault, and statements of "well, that's just the way I am/way it is, so deal with it!" We do, however have 2 kids, one of whom has ADD (no H) and so I am committed to staying in the marriage long enough to launch them- especially my ADD son. The sad thing is that now that my kids are older, they see that "Daddy is mad at you a lot Mom." and "Gee, Daddy can't seem to stay in a job, Mom- how come you do and he doesn't?" The hard questions are starting and these days sometimes it feels like the three of us are being dragged behind this crazed dog who's at the end of a leash and keeps darting around and back and forth; we're hanging on for dear life it seems. My job is to not make my kids pay for the mistake I made when I married my husband- looking back, I'm not sure what I could have done differently in that, but I do know that they do not deserve to pay for that. Also, frankly, his temper is so bad now and he's so nasty to me and blameful that I can only imagine what would happen if we ended up in a custody battle or arrangement. I'll stay with him until the kids are out of the house (ideally out of college) and then I'll re-evaluate. I stay for my kids.
Why am I chosing to work on it?
Submitted by Jass on
I think every marriage has it's challenges. I know my husband loves me. I know I love him. With that basis and a lot of effort, there has to be a way to work it out. I'm trying to choose what I think will be best for my kids and my (hopefully someday) retirement life. We've survived together bringing up small children. Teenagers have new challenges. Certainly retirement will hold less responsibility and that seems to be the portion that gets dumped on me. Plenty of my friends complain about their husbands. From listening to them, I just don't think the grass is greener with someone else. I think being alone would be fine and that may happen, but I think I'm going through this now because I'm supposed to learn or grow from it. Naive? Probably. But hope is certainly more entertaining than dispare.
I stay because I DO love him
Submitted by TempusWife on
Maybe I have a better view because I grew up with an ADD brother and learned to let things go to some extent. I love my husband and he is important to me, as my marriage is important to me. He's not in control of his ADD and I try to remember that I need to temper my interpretation of his actions and words with the knowledge that his brain works differently. He also tries to learn and adapt, so it's not like I'm doing all the changing (just a lot of it).
Maybe I'm also different in that I don't honestly WANT him hyper-focused on me. I am not an attached at the hip wife and I don't want to always be with or do things with my husband. I also need time to myself and my own hobbies, as does he. So we negotiate. He does, however, suggest dinner out periodically and really is a romantic at heart, when the ADD lets that shine through.
I do get frustrated. It helps me to hear other people's experiences with their ADD spouse because it reminds me it's the ADD - not my husband's choice really. I get annoyed, I vent, I move on.
I love my husband, ADD or not. We negotiate and cope, have an occasional dispute or fight, make up and move on. I can see the efforts he makes and he can see the efforts I make. I actually think it helps that we have two ADD boys (one from my first marriage, one together) so he gets to experience the other end of ADD as well. That has really helped him understand the frustration. I also try to make my disputes about how *I* feel, not how I think *he* feels.
Just curious...
Submitted by j.mack on
You wouldn't happen to have a sister who is single, living in the DC area, ideally in her very late 20's or early 30's? :) I think your husband must be very fortunate.
Sorry :)
Submitted by TempusWife on
My only sister is is So Cal, happily married and with 3 kids. Her twin brother is the one with ADHD, too.
I'm sure I come with my own share of frustrations, though!
reasons to stay
Submitted by Eric on
Thank you all for the remarks. I've been married for many years, but I notice a long-term sadness/frustration in my wife. Some of it is the "living in chaos" issues so many describe, although those get expressed at our children more than at me. She speaks of feeling lousy about our marriage, but doesn't offer specifics about what she would like to change. I asked if my ADD was bothering her, but she says no. I'm left feeling vulnerable and fearing that things will fall apart and I won't even know why it happened. Or maybe it will happen because she's frustrated by some aspect of my personality that's outside my ability to consistently control.
So, I suppose I started this "conversation" because I wanted reassurance that there's something positive about living with us ADD folks, something that overcomes all the frustrations. Sounds like many of you are staying because it's so financially and emotionally expensive to leave. I confess that's not the answer I was hoping for, but better to face reality than to kid myself. Others seem to be hoping for their spouse to change. I struggle with that one myself, since I'm not altogether sure how much I can change and how much is just the way I am. I guess all I can do is keep trying and see how it works out.
staying the course
Submitted by callmesusan on
Eric, I appreciate your question. My husband and I will celebrate 35 years of marriage on the 29th. He was diagnosed with ADD about two months ago. I can relate to your wife's long-term sadness and frustration. My husband has innattentive type ADD. He has experienced severe depression for many years, mostly undiagnosed and then poorly managed until recently. Vietnam PTSD, also undiagnosed until recently. He is a good man with a good heart. We have two kids together (now adults) and lots of history that we share. Our finances are in decent shape (I manage the money and he is not a spender.)
I have wished many times that I had divorced him after that first year of marriage when symptoms were making life nutty, sad, frustrating, and no children were involved yet. But it got better, then frustrating, then better, then sad, then better... and here we are. We are in couples counseling (where the ADD was discovered) and the therapist says it is a good sign that when we look at each other we smile. We like each other. Some days he frustrates me to the point I want to run away screaming, or bang my head into a wall, or stop living altogether. But he always supports me in my dreams and desires for my life. It's yin and yang.
Besides all that, I have stayed because he keeps working on himself. He meditates to manage anxiety. He participated several months in intensive out-patient therapy for depression; he still attends a group session at the clinic once a week. He is diligent about taking prescribed medications correctly. He reads books about how to be a more complete human at peace. He exercises because he knows it helps him cope with life better. He has learned to use his smart phone (a feat in itself!) and uses it diligently to help manage life's responsibilities. He is willing to look at how his ADD impacts OUR lives and the relationship. He is learning to manage his defensive reactions when I want to address an issue in our relationship. I know he cares about me. I know he values our relationship. I know he will do whatever it takes. This is why I stay.
Are you and your wife in couples counseling? We have been several times, with all the same issues as we have today. But without the ADD diagnosis, and without a therapist who has ADD himself, we got no where. Now, we are working on the relationship and our issues every day, and we seem to be going forward, making progress that I am hopeful will be lasting this time.
Best wishes to you and your wife. I know you care for her deeply to have searched this site and made the post.
Lost but not defeated......yet
Submitted by kjprimrose on
I am like many of you, sad, lost and in some ways desperate. I'm the wife and mother to a husband and two children who have ADHD. What is that like? Well you can guess.... chaos both in my physical and mental environments.
After both our children were diagnosed after several years of wondering, "why I can't get thru a store or have them stand next to me for more than 2 seconds?", I asked my husband to seek treatment as well. He saw the benefits in both kids for the most part and I was desperate to alleviate his ever so increasing "not-present" behavior, so he got treatment. I thought for sure our evenings would be kinder, less stressful if my partner were also medicated, but that did not happen and after two years, the spiral down is ever so close.
In 17yrs, we have been to marriage counseling twice and I have been individually. The main theme, how I don't feel important, when I talk-I get talked over, when he asks a question-he doesn't let me answer, getting things done around the house that don't interest him-non-existant. I am busy keeping this family together, feeling like the weight of doing "everything" is building up resentment and anger towards him because I want to focus on the kids and their challenges. After many pity-parties for myself, feeling sorry for my martyr status...I stay because its the right thing to do regardless of my misery. I always hope that at some point, he will "get it" and I'll have a partner and not a 3rd child. Wishful? yes but if there is hope, there is something to work with.
I recently asked him for a separation because I just needed a break from "him". He was completely shocked. Really? That just proves that all my rants, pleases, lists, exasperations were evidently not processed in his "red alert" category. There has not been a separation because I can't do it and not psychologically mess up the children or tell our immediate family. I just wanted time to think without the stress of someone who seems to battle my every word or not listen to it at all. He has been gone for work for the last two weeks and I can't tell you all how peaceful and happy I've been. Sad but so true. Whatever I say goes, there is no one to cut me off or speak sharply to me. The kids get the mom they usually don't have. Im relaxed...finally.
Is it back to marriage counseling? Counseling just for him and how he affects this household negatively or counseling for me so I can learn to accept this mess of a marriage and learn to cope better?
Will I ever have peace again?
Submitted by Lillian on
I am new to this site. I have been searching and searching for at least a glimpse of hope that one day my marriage will be better. My husband has ADHD. He also has a problem with "self medicating" himself. I can't tell if he is mostly difficult because of his ADHD or because of his ups and downs with his medicines. He has a couple of doctors giving him Adderall and sleeping medicines. This marriage has never had a equal partnership. We both work full time, but I have to pay all of the bills, do the housework, home repairs, yardwork, and shopping. His money goes to his medicines that he can't seem to get enough of. I have tried my best to help him and encourage him. I am getting tired and discouraged. I want peace again. He even admitted to me the other day that he realized that he is bad about playing mind games with me. I have known this already. I am usually a calm and reserved person, but he can stir a lot of anger in me. I really try hard to control it too. I get so overwhelmed with having to take care of everything. His attendance at work is getting very poor. Of course, when he stays home it creates more mess for me to clean up after him when I am home from work. He lays around doing whatever he wants. I don't think he feels any responsibilities. I am the most frustrated because I think he is capable of becoming a better person, and he just doesn't. He just depends on me. He is several years older than me so I never expected this behavior when we got married. I find out a lot of what he blamed on his family, was actually him as well. He has kept a lot from me. He will not let me go to his psychiatrist to help him find a good balance with his medicines to actually help his life and not control it. I would appreciate everyone's advice. I have stuck with the marriage because I wanted to give him a chance, and I didn't want to hurt him. I don't think I can handle living like this anymore, even though that makes me feel selfish and a failure. Thank you.
I stay because I am in love and there is literally no reason to
Submitted by Aspen on
I stay because I am in love and there is literally no reason to leave. I take my marriage vows very seriously and I married a man with whom I am VERY compatible. Yes we have challenges. He has trouble paying attention and is easy going while I am detail oriented and tend toward perfectionistic. We are both working on it, and I especially am learning to let some of the little stuff go. Does that butt up against eachother? OH yeah Hard sometimes? Yep But really at the core of it we both are a good complement of the other.
Where I have a lack and need to slow down and enjoy the process, he has been there to help me do so. Where he tends to let inertia take over too much and has trouble getting things done, I jazz him up. I can't imagine a better man for me, and fortunately he recognized his ADD not TOO long after it started being a problem for us, so we didn't have years and years of pent up anguish to work through.
Also, one of the things that makes a big difference for me is that part of the reason he went searching for a *cause* to the problem is that he could tell I was in pain and he was in pain, and we loved eachother too much to just keep going on that way being angry and resentful of eachother. I have read enough here to know this isn't always the way it goes, and I can't imagine how it must feel to be in pain and telling your loved one that you are in pain and having them totally blow that off and call you hysterical. Talk about pain on top of pain!! I know when it comes to changing an ADD behavior my husband responds more quickly to a third party than a suggestion I make, even when I've suggested the same thing 10 times it is all of a sudden a new, genius idea when the coach says it. My frustration with that times 100 is how I imagine the mates who are being ignored when they try to explain the pain caused by ADD or other symptoms.
My ADDer is always there when he is NEEDED. He just sometimes isn't there when he is WANTED. He has a totally different set of priorities when it comes to doing things at home & he is poor with money in general, but I have been out of commission a couple times in our marriage. The house may not have been as clean as I'd have liked it, but it was *clean enough*, and the bills always got paid. As I posted on another thread a while ago, I have learned that if I had to work out the logistics of our life and rearrange my schedule to take on all of the home work and all I got out of it was that I got to keep my husband in my life, loving me, accepting me, and caring for me; I would do it. He is really a great addition to my life. I am very sorry for all those out there whose husbands have not added to your lives -- often because of untreated or undertreated symptoms.
For every AD/HDer out there. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get treatment and help. Your lives together SHOULD BE HAPPY. Life does not have to be frustrating and gray, but you have to take this disorder by the horns and wrestle it under control.