I'm not sure I know anymore. How do you know if you are in love? I've been married for over 10 years to my ADD spouse and we have two wonderful children.
Although my ADD husband is attractive, I'm kind of grossed out by sex and even kissing him, and any contact between us is just awkward. I think it's that whole parent-child dynamic we've got going on. But it's not like I'm some prize, I should be thankful he's attracted to me! With my own self esteem issues I'm so lucky someone wants to be with me...why don't I want to be with him anymore??
When he travels occasionally, I look forward to it. I am so much less stressed. When we are apart, I don't miss him. When I come home from traveling or even just a day at work I am not excited to see him, in fact I get depressed.
I keep thinking as we try to work through the issues associated with his ADD, things will get better and I will be attracted to him and in love again...but does that really happen?
I am in pretty much the same
Submitted by MFrances on
I am in pretty much the same situation. You are probably right about the parent/child thing contributing to it. Plus, with my husband, his hygiene is lacking, so he is just gross. I don't know your whole situation but with me, my husband can't remember anything I tell him -important or just every day stuff, he doesn't listen to me, he always reacts with anger, jokes, or sarcasm so it's impossible to have a conversation. I've started (months ago) just not talking to him. Doesn't make for a good marriage. I think that contributes greatly to it too. As women, we need that emotional closeness too. I keep telling myself it took years to get to this point, and even though he is working on issues, it will take time for things to improve.
I have no advice, but I
Submitted by pitypotpie on
I have no advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone in these feelings. It sure can be rough sometimes.
Sexual attraction for women is rarely just about sex....
Submitted by Janice1512 on
Bythss, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I just recently ended a long-term relationship with an ADHD partner after coming to the realization that I just could not continue to deny myself a chance for happiness.
Our sex life was great during the initial hyperfocus period. In hindsight however, as the hyperfocus faded and we entered into the parent/(man)child dynamic I became totally turned off. Totally! He and I were both what most people would consider a very attractive couple, but that wasn't enough. Having a sexual relationship with a man (my ADHD partner) who behaved like my son and I had to treat like my son was not much of a turn on. Honestly, it was kind of creepy and gross. I think that most women want three things to feel fulfilled sexually in an intimate relationship 1.) a partner who respects her and who offers a relationship of equality 2.) a partner who shows admiration for her and 3.) a partner who is appreciative of the many things she does for him. If a man gives a woman these three things, even one who does not excel at the art of lovemaking usually can keep her pretty happy even in bed. Unfortunately, from my personal experience and apparently that of plenty of other women on this site, ADHD partners don't seem to do well in giving the women in their lives these three things. The treatment we do receive from these partners instead challenges our self-esteem, makes us doubt our capabilities , makes us question our self-worth and leaves us feeling unloved and abandoned.
I, too, looked forward to his traveling and now that he's gone, I'm much more contented. I am less stressed. I have a regular sleeping pattern. I have a daily routine without constant chaos. All the extraordinary amounts of time I formerly put into having to take care of his needs, wants, desires, obligations and the never-ending Oh S&*t! problems that appeared out of nowhere resulting from his poor judgment, impulsivity, etc. are now focused on me. I asked myself those same questions, " Will things get better?", "Will I be attracted to him and in love again?" and I really couldn't see that happening...with him. What I could see was that leaving him would allow me to make things better, that I would eventually find someone new to whom I would be attracted and that I could fall in love with another man again. And in the meantime, I could love and cherish myself.
Thanks so much for sharing
Submitted by bythss on
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It's good (and bad) to hear others have had similar experiences. I expect that love and passion fade in most long-term relationships but ADD creates a unique twist.
My husband is a really GOOD man. Sitting here this morning with coffee and the whole family is relaxing together and it's not so bad. I feel like we could be great friends that co-parent kids, I just can't imagine a romantic relationship anymore. I think about living apart and doing the shared custody thing (a couple days a week and every other weekend) and I think wow, I would have days to myself to do whatever I want - I could keep the house clean, exercise, plan meals, go out with friends, just sit and read and then when I have the kids I could completely focus on them. I don't want to suggest that I don't want to wake up everyday with my children because they're the best thing I'll ever do with my life, but I really think I'd be a better parent if I could focus on me and my environment occasionally. I don't feel like my husband helps as much as he hinders the household. It just feels like chaos to me all the time.
I am not perfect and I often feel like alot of our problems our my fault. Maybe I haven't grown up yet? Maybe this is just how long-term relationships are? My "responses" to the situation and intolerance are as to blame as anything I guess.
I also would never assume that someone else could love me or be attracted to me (lifelong self-esteem issues), but from interactions with male friends over the past several years I'm starting to think I have alot to offer and could be really happy. I am so happy in the company of my friends (male and female). Note I never go out with my husband because I just don't think he's fun to be around <sigh>.
I have got to make a decision before the rest of my life fades away!
Oh, and I meant to add that I completely agree with you about what creates the sexual attraction. For me it's definitely not looks as much as personality. A guy that makes me laugh and supports me/gives me advice is HOT!!
Life is a constant journey....
Submitted by Janice1512 on
Bythss,
While passion does fade (as does our sex drives and good looks) over the decades, love can be enduring. A dear friend of mine just recently lost her husband of over 45 years and I can tell you that they loved each other as dearly the day he passed as the day they married. When I had spoken with the two of them in the past about their successful relationship, it always came back to BOTH of their willingness to work on the relationship. Sometimes it was his S&*t and sometimes it was hers, but throughout their enduring relationship they both took on the responsibilities and challenges that faced them.
I don't think there is anything wrong with your desire to have some time to yourself. We all need a break. Most parenting books suggest that people become better parents when they themselves are healthy, happy and are able to take care of their own needs. Similarly, children seem to benefit from structure, routine and consistency. As I found first-hand, and you seem to have similarly experienced, life with a ADHD partner can be one in which chaos reigns. It wasn't healthy for me and our dog was affected by the turmoil. I cannot imagine children not being negatively impacted in a similar situation. While my ex and I didn't have kids together, he did have children from a previous marriage. Given that he was the healthy one in that prior relationship, he was the primary "parent." While I recognize the extraordinary efforts he made despite his ADHD, I will say that his children are not well-adjusted or functional by any stretch of the imagination.
I think it's important not to beat yourself up. While I think that everyone contributes something to the demise of a relationship, you can only take ownership for your part. As for your thinking that perhaps you haven't grown up yet, LOL, unless you're no longer breathing then you're still growing up! I have friends in their 60s and 70s which are still "growing." In an ideal world, we should have a partner with whom we grow. If you don't feel that you're improving yourself, growing your relationship with your significant other, and providing a healthy, positive environment for your children, you know in your heart what you need to do. It will be hard, but you will get through it. You will be able to meet someone new and 20 years from now when you see your children healthy and happy, you'll be proud of yourself.
I agree with
Submitted by bythss on
I agree with SpaceyStacy's comment below - Janice you're so good at this! Maybe you could be Melissa's next contributor! I love your comment "...unless you're no longer breathing then you're still growing up!" You've got me thinking maybe love and passion is not too much to expect in a marriage and just maybe I really need to focus on myself and not feel guilty about it. I'm actually going away for a week by myself in two weeks to do just that! We'll see how I feel when I get back ;) But for now I will continue to work at it (today was a good day) I guess.
Oh, and sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I'm always amazed when I hear about couples that are together for that long. My parents have been together for over 40 years. I can't imagine it. They've had they're ups and downs but I know they are completely devoted to each other <sigh>.
Wow, I seriously could have
Submitted by AmyT on
Wow, I seriously could have written both of your posts word for word. And my husband tries *when he's on meds*, and I keep waiting and waiting for some attraction to come back, but it's just not. For me, I'm starting to think it never will. And I am no "catch" physically, so it's not like I think I can do better. I truly think it is because I don't see him as a man, as an equal partner - he is just a child in a grown up body. :-(
Amy - yes, yes, yes! That's
Submitted by bythss on
Amy - yes, yes, yes! That's exactly it! What amazes me is that I think I've felt this way for years and never realized it! I thought it was my own self esteem causing the issue (and perhaps it contributed) or even a physical problem (like hormones or something), but now that I've discovered the book and all you people it's like a revelation! I've also been crazy attracted to other men (I probably shouldn't admit it), so I know it's not a lack of interest on my part!
The Parent/Child dynamic is a plague on one's sex life...
Submitted by Janice1512 on
Well, I honestly wish I could personally take credit for having come to the realization that it was the parent/child aspect of my relationship that had destroyed my sex life with the ex, but it was actually a male neighbor who had pointed it out to me. So one day, sitting outside with said neighbor, ex-ADHD partner comes up and kisses me and then walks into the house. The neighbor actually says to me after he leaves, "Wow, I think that's how I kiss my mom when I go home to visit her. I'm guessing you two don't have sex anymore?" Yeah, that was a bit of a wakeup call and left me with a really grossed out and creepy feeling from which I've never recovered. Things had been bad for years, but once that was out of the box, there wasn't any chance of stuffing it back in there.
While this recognition did nothing to improve the situation with the ex-ADHD partner, it really did serve as a rallying effort on my part. I started feeling better about myself knowing that our horrible sex life wasn't all about me. I went out and bought some sex toys and started to care more about my appearance as I'd previously pretty much given up all hope. My efforts paid off and I started to notice that when I went to town, men were looking at me differently and some would even make an effort to flirt. What an ego booster!
We all deserve to be loved, appreciated and sexually fulfilled. If an ADHD partner is willing to try to do that for us - great! If not, then we just got to keep moving on. :)
Yep, I completely relate to
Submitted by bythss on
Yep, I completely relate to this story. You know we used to have friends over to our house but we haven't really done that for years. I realized that I didn't want people to see us at home together because I thought it would be so completely obvious how uncomfortable our domestic life is. There is just no affection. And he does try, kind of like your ex, but it's just plain awkward. I don't try at all and that's a fault on my part and certainly doesn't help improve our situation but I literally can't even force myself to do it. It's like being a kid and being dared to kiss a frog or something. I just hope I don't have a similar look on my face!
THANKYOU Janice....
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I am right in the same spot you were when you ended your relationship. I ended mine yesterday. I am in the very hurt/sad/angry stage - but I know that like you said, loving and cherishing myself is what I need to do after years of feeling totally alone. You said it so succinctly and so perfectly with these sentences....:
"I think that most women want three things to feel fulfilled sexually in an intimate relationship 1.) a partner who respects her and who offers a relationship of equality 2.) a partner who shows admiration for her and 3.) a partner who is appreciative of the many things she does for him. If a man gives a woman these three things, even one who does not excel at the art of lovemaking usually can keep her pretty happy even in bed. Unfortunately, from my personal experience and apparently that of plenty of other women on this site, ADHD partners don't seem to do well in giving the women in their lives these three things. The treatment we do receive from these partners instead challenges our self-esteem, makes us doubt our capabilities , makes us question our self-worth and leaves us feeling unloved and abandoned."
You described me to a tee: I totally question myself, my self worth, I feel very unloved and essentially no better than a bank account and parental figure - with out all the great things about being a parent. I am utterly abandoned and have been since the get go. I am waking up now.
Your post hit me in the gut like a rock - but it a good way!
SpaceyStacey - sending you
Submitted by bythss on
SpaceyStacey - sending you hugs and good thoughts! Be strong! Now that you've done the deed is there something you're looking forward to doing first that you've missed out on?
Well - not yet. Other than
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Well - not yet. Other than not having to worry about being on egg shells, and maybe I will be able to sleep again normally? Its been 3 years since I have been able to go to sleep unmedicated. Of course, that is also related to every other huge event that has happened in my life as well. :-)
I am trying to be strong. I keep thinking that maybe there will be some sort of movie ending where suddenly he will show change over the few weeks that I am still here before the move. But I know it wont happen. I even tricked myself earlier tonight, thinking that maybe he was the author of a post I read from an ADHD husband who wrote like my husband does. Same phrasing etc. And I literally grasped at it and asked if he had posted here and if it was him. he said no - I dont know what forum that is. And talk about a slap in the face. Oh man did I feel totally stupid. Like a bad dream. Worst part is - I have sent him links to this forum, links to articles here and he says - I started reading it but will have to finish later - too much to do etc. And as we all know how the story goes - he doesnt.
I just dont want to be sad and empty anymore. That's really all I hope for at this point.
thanks for the response... its good to not feel alone here.... <3
You know what Bythss? I DO
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
You know what Bythss? I DO want to so someting! Go to Anartica! I love to travel, and DH doesnt even like driving from our small suburb to go to a restaraunt in the down town of the city we live in (metro). My sweet little sister (not blood, but known her her whole life) is on her way there TODAY on the Explorer expedition ship. I want to do things like that. I want to see the world!
I also want to climb Kilimanjaro. :-)
I dreamed of doing those things with him - but I know now that it wont happen unless I do it on my own.
SpaceyStacey, I love it!!
Submitted by bythss on
SpaceyStacey, I love it!! You should absolutely focus on that goal! And that's exactly the kind of thing that I would do first too! I also love to travel. I started running half marathons and traveling all over to run them and that has been a real outlet for me. The mental and physical benefits have been astonishing. Although I'm still married I've decided I'm going to go where I want when I can. I'm headed out to Cali by myself (well, to stay with my parents) for a week to recharge. The area is so beautiful with so many places to run, hike, bike. I need it!
HANG IN THERE SPACEYSTACEY1975!
Submitted by Janice1512 on
Hang in there SpaceyStacey! The first couple of days are the absolute worst. It does get better with each passing day. Although there's going to be some ups and downs, my experience so far is that this roller coaster is a lot easier to ride than the one we just exited! LOL! Seriously, just remember that you are a good person, that you are deserving of love and that you are loved by friends and family. If you seem to forget this, put post-it notes up all over your house - on the refrigerator (this keeps snacking due to self-pity to a minimum), the bathroom mirror (this encourages you to make yourself pretty in the morning so that you feel better throughout the day) and on the car window visor (just because you need a smile while driving!)
Would you both be willing to
Submitted by MFrances on
Would you both be willing to go to couples therapy? I posted before that I am in the same situation. There are reasons I don't want to/feel I can't divorce my husband. Mainly financial reasons, and he is not a good parent and I wouldn't want the kids with him for 2 or 3 days a week. Although, like you that seems like a nice break. But I have to tell you, I have friends that have divorced and the shared custody thing is very hard. You also have to share (which mostly leads to fights) birthdays and holidays-who gets the kids Christmas morning, etc. Divorce doesn't always solve the problems, I would just encourage you to seek counseling for yourself and for both of you. I can't remember if I put this in my previous post, but my thinking is that it took years for are marriage to detoriate to what it has become, it will take a long time for it to get better.
Thank you for your thoughts
Submitted by bythss on
Thank you for your thoughts panda123. It is certainly a good reality check to be reminded of the holidays potentially without my kids - ugh! I have some divorced friends that have really found a happy ending so I guess I see things through that rose-colored glass, but you are right that juggling the kids can sometimes be hard. We actually have done some marriage counseling and I've done even more individual counseling. I will say that the counseling got us talking about our problems like we never did before and that was a breakthrough. BUT did it actually change anything? Meh. At the very least I've started just putting my thoughts and feelings all out there instead of keeping it all in (because of years of nothing changing why waste my breath) and I think that has got him trying. He's realizing I am VERY serious that if nothing changes we're not going to make it. Also as you mention, I don't think I can afford to be on my own. The thought of being trapped for that reason really depresses me!
Wow..
Submitted by boilergirl on
...I just thought this exact thing in the car on the way to work. What is love, really? How do I know that I even still love him to even try and continue this??
I am in a similar situation as you are: married 13 years, 2 kids, Dh was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD. He is currently not medicated but has been at times. He seems to go back and forth with wanting to do something about it and being indifferent. Right now, I don't have any desire to be around him. In fact, I dread coming home from work or wherever to see what kind of shape the house is in. It is especially bad now because he "works" for himself from home. ( I put that in quotes because he has hardly brought any money in since starting this last April. He is a CPA and was fired from yet another job. He actually has clients and I have seen him doing work and heard him talking on the phone to them. He keeps saying that money is coming in, but I have seen little evidence of that.
He is here all.the.time. He does all kinds of ridiculous crap around the house in lieu of working. I am extremely resentful, if you haven't noticed. I am busting my ass doing a billion part-time jobs and taking classes to renew my teaching license in hopes of finding a full time job this fall and get a higher level of income in. It has begun to affect my relationship with the kids when he is here b/c I don't want to spend time together as a whole family.
I also am not attracted to him. It is hard to be attracted to someone when you question his commitment to his family. I also feel the parent/child dynamic going on, too. That being said, divorce or separation is not an option right now as we are in no financial position to do so. We are barely paying our bills now. We can't even afford marriage counseling, since my insurance doesn't cover it. We are in dire need of it if I want any chance of getting beyond just tolerating him.
Also, like another poster said, the thought of arguing about days/holidays/weekends, etc. is exhausting. I also think about how nice it would be to get into a nice little house or apartment with just me and the kids. No more chaos, no more messes, no more unfinished projects. But, I know the custody crap would be a nightmare. I hate the thought of not seeing my kids all the time and of them having to deal with his ADHD symptoms without me to intervene.
My insurance covers therapy, so i am going try and go just for me. Not sure what it will accomplish, but some days I feel like I am going to explode with all I want to say. And I am tired of trying to wait till a perfect moment or try a specific way to say it so as not to cause more issues with him.
If you can, I would try couples therapy. Or at least therapy for you. I know I want to say I have exhausted all measures before deciding on separating. We recently watched old videos with our kids and I was sad to think about how it used to be and how it has become. Please know you can talk here and there are many in the same boat. (sad but true)
"It is hard to be attracted
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"It is hard to be attracted to someone when you question his commitment to his family."
Exactly! It is hard to be attracted to someone who does things that hurt his family! My husband just doesn't get what a turn-off this is.
I love this "And I am tired
Submitted by MFrances on
I love this "And I am tired of trying to wait till a perfect moment or try a specific way to say it so as not to cause more issues with him." I feel the same way. I used to think it was because he was always so tired because of the shifts he works, but it's more than that. Now I don't even bother trying. I think counseling for yourself will help.
boilergirl, I'm glad I'm not
Submitted by bythss on
boilergirl, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking about that (okay sad too)!
Sometimes it truly feels like I (and based on your very similar circumstances I'm sure you do too) am trapped. I don't want to argue over the kids, I hate the thought of someone else helping to raise them...putting them to bed at night when I don't have them :( I also can't afford to go it alone! Things have been decent recently so I keep hoping everyday that there will be a spark for me but I realize it may take a long time (or it will never happen and then I've wasted all that time). We have tried therapy (see my response to panda123 above) and it's helped some with the communication but hasn't really changed anything in practice. And it's so expensive!! So far it has not been covered by insurance. I agree I want to feel like I did everything I could so I will keep trying.
Oh I was also prescribed antidepressants but I've been so hesitant to take them. They might really help me cope and make some better decisions but I hate taking drugs!
I know, I know it.s the
Submitted by Toad39 on
I know, I know it.s the adhd...but I don.t like the person either. Do not care if it ruins me $$ I have to get off this merry-go-round. We have been over this 1000 times but there will not be #1001. I have to draw the line somewhere or I will shrivel up and die.