What is the main frustration with your AD/HD relationship?

After a frustrating weekend with my AD/HD husband, I began to wonder what others found to be the most difficult thing when trying to peacefully co-exist with an AD/HD partner.  So if you could pinpoint one thing that would help your relationship if it didn't exist, what would it be?  This isn't a "bash" him/her post, but one that might help to see where the negative AD/HD behavior starts to reek havic on  relationships. 

I'll start. For me, it's his tone with the curt, rude, snarky, inconsiderate comments.  While he says that I'm being "overly-sensitive" and to "blow it off" I find that this makes me want to hurl that cast-iron skillet even more!

However, when he takes his medicine--regularly--his tone is much more patient and aware of how his behavior is coming across.  This tells me that this is an AD/HD thing for sure and it stems from chemical imbalance. (something we all probably already know, but nice to actually see it in motion!) I seem to have much more patience with him, but it's often like a see-saw. Up one day, down the next. This has to be the most trying thing, since he isn't a strong advocate for himself in searching new ways to deal with his AD/HD.

While I could name a few more, this one is at the top of my list. Any suggestions for dealing with this would be greatly appreciated! 

My main frustration

Could be summed up in that our "relationship" feels very one-sided. It's all about him and what he wants. My opinion, insight or my needs as a partner if considered are minimized or dismissed. I think it's that attitude that leads to that angry as you said "tone with the curt, rude, snarky, inconsiderate comments". Of course, I am also "overly sensitive" and have always been told to "deal with it" which I do by avoiding him.

If he's not medicated, he does not need to be provoked to get ugly about nothing which is no longer tolerable. Even on meds I've heard him go on and on angrily spouting off his opinion about something that was said on tv while watching him pace back and forth in front of it. If cornered with this behavior I try my best to remain calm, level and pleasant while redirecting the tone of what is now our conversation in a non-accusatory way. It can be challenging as when I get snapped at, my gut reaction is to snap back. Sometimes I'm tired and I ask "Does that really make you mad?" or "Are you mad at me?". This usually results in him stating that he's not mad. It can be hard to nip it in the bud but, it helps. Mostly though, it's easier to avoid him but, then there's that one-sided relationship thing again... 

So, I guess what's at the top of my list is what's at the top of yours. Oh, and I think the chemical imbalance is now considered a neurological disorder. It's hard to keep up with medical advances these days!

blueroses4me's picture

sounds familiar...

My daughter just said the other day, "daddy, thinks it's all about him."  I laughed and thought how spot on she is. While he does get into himself quite a lot, once again, when he's on meds it makes a difference.  He hasn't always been committed to taking his meds regularly, but he's noticed that it does help him focus better with his job and he's agitated less. (Finally!)  

I totally agree with you about the medical advances these days!  Each day seems to bring new awareness--which is definitely a good thing for our AD/HD household!  When I first read, Driven to Distraction, by Dr. Hallowell, over 14 year ago,  it was like a God-send ( I too, have ADD).  I felt like my brain was always in a fog.  Shortly after, I began seeing a neurologist for my meds. He had become interested in AD/HD because his daughter has it and her behavior was a constant challenge.  When I asked what exactly caused AD/HD, he slowly launched into a description that initially had my ADD eyes glossing over, because there were no layman words to explain it to me! He said: the frontal cortex  of my brain wasn't active enough. It was thought to be because of chemicals called dopamine and norepinephrine. 

He went on to say that the neuron supplying these chemicals--dopamine and norepinephrine-- doesn't supply enough to go over the "synapse bridge" to the connecting neuron alone. When he was finished with his explanation, he saw that  I had a deer-in-the-headlights expression and laughed.   So he brought it down a notch and said, "basically it's like plugging in a light and cutting the cord in the middle. It will still spark from the cord that is plugged into the wall, but the other end will be dead.  The medication acts like a bridge to seal the two so that it works together."  That explained it MUCH better. I think that's what's missing in so many AD/HD books--just give it to us simple!

While that was over 14 years ago, I STILL get overwhelmed, however, I have become a strong advocate for myself and my ADD and I just tell people that my brain needs some chemicals/meds to "wake up" if they want the meat and potatoes of it!  I know I do.  Just give me the facts, that's all!

A few years later, I met my husband-who was quickly diagnosed-and I thought, okay, he'll be like me, ready to tackle his AD/HD! But how wrong, wrong, wrong I was.  He has made some small strides, but good grief, it's so hard!

Main Frustration - Defensiveness

 

Not sure if this counts as one because it is two behaviors combined.  First, my wife is so danged defensive about everything!  I can't make a comment without her taking it personally and getting defensive.  Straight forward factual statements just set her off. (The sky is cloudy.  The roast is a bit dry. That shirt has a stain that didn't come out.  The grass needs to be mowed.  Kid A has a stuffy nose.)  Then, she avoids resolving all issues.  Luckily, compared to other threads on the site, she is not violent or blow up angry (although she is getting more angry every day). She actually avoids all confrontation EXCEPT the first big defensiveness reaction.   Her avoidance behavior goes to the point of accepting the result of refusing to address things. Like in the Rush song, Free Will, the line, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." she fully denies the concept that refusing to make a choice means you have made one. If she likes none of the possible outcomes, she just refuses to make a choice and accepts whatever happens and then blames it on others. "I didn't choose this result. You did."

I got so tired of it, I just started to ignore her.  It resulted in less fighting because I would come back with the cute, rude, snarky comments after getting my head snapped at.  The defensiveness led to a slow withdrawal from her and, coupled with some other behaviors, eventually a complete loss of intimacy.

This behavior condition manifests itself in withdrawal from those around her. She doesn't like to involve the kids in things because she will have to take them to the activities and that inconveniences her.  If she doesn't like it, they won't.  She just wants to sit and read.  No social interaction. No activities.  She will spend time with certain female friends and a sister but I think they talk and she just rambles and "listens" but doesn't really listen.  By ignoring her family or providing just a little social interaction, she can avoid the major interaction so she doesn't have to make a decision and choose how to spend her time.

There are actually about four to five key things but I will stop at one.

blueroses4me's picture

yep, I recognize that one.

My husband is very defensive--"soft-skin" (as he puts it to us) --  too.  Well, that is, when he isn't on his meds. He his much better on meds. 

Avoidance with any thing that is too overwhelming--that's him. I think that is what causes a lot of this with him--his lack of a solution. He  thinks he needs to "fix it" and doesn't know how, so he just shuts down or becomes defensive.   So, why look at the late electric bill or overdrawn bank statement?  Nah, just shuffle it off to the wife--she'll take care of it. When I tell him NO, YOU look at it. YOUR name is on it. YOU take ownership of things that YOU ALSO are responsible for.  I used to let him off the hook and do everything, but I found that I would get so resentful.  Now he just huffs and puffs while, yelling, "do we really owe this?" I usually respond with a "yep, WE do!"

I'm trying to stop enabling him by letting him take  the responsibility he too owns. He doesn't like it, but it is making him stronger. The "catch" to this is to try and do it without ME getting angry or getting my feelings hurt when he's feeling rude and snarky. I try to keep saying, "it's the AD/HD talking." Therein lies the rub.  I too, have my good days and bad days with this.

Yep, I can relate.

Recognizing the problem .vs knowing how to deal with it

Thank you Blue! That man is me!

I had a notion that if perhaps I could just have a friend (not a relative, who would shake their head and wonder why I was paying a bill that ought to be paid by insurance...) sit in a rocking chair and read while I did the bills,  I could 'make progress' with someone on my side. Years ago I was the roommate who reckoned monthly shares and paid the bills. I was an office manager who did this for an engineering company (2 of the 4 engineers were having affairs...and I booked their Fri. biz flights for a Monday mtg....to the city of their mistress).

 I get off topic easily. My own bills. I can pinpoint issues that changed my habits: IRS sent back a tax return (and not the $2K or $3K) because I needed a different form. I never did resubmit. A surgery that had to be prepaid; 7 months later an additional $700 bill arrived for anesthesia, even though the surgery (in the doc's words) only took half the time. A class action suit that was years (8?) in court. When it finally settled, the litigators claimed they didn't have any records for me, yet I had even sent them ...the originals. I was 35, didn't have a business background, and I was sending records to the litigation team who represented the employees, not the company.

And many more--attached to each are the questions: am I a fool/patsy/dunce? I followed instructions--which seem to be loopholes for professionals to fleece people (or just me?...or just "my family"?) Who is on my side? Is this the evil of the world at work against me? How do other people manage?

Attempting to put those thoughts out of my mind can cause me to fall asleep! Or, of course, fight or flight (never good). Or do something productive--like starting a different task. So many Saturday nights, I had 4 projects spread out across the floor--or the house, and might have finished one or two by 1 AM or... Sunday afternoons were often fire drills, spent putting the unfinished stuff away again (not an efficient project management model).

I share this because I notice that I am pretty good at writing procedures that take into account all (or many of) the places where something can go wrong. But looking back 30, 40 years, I notice how I can be derailed. Even that song "you gotta stop and smell the roses along the way" gets me into trouble with friends, family, co-workers.

Last year, I talked to several friends who knew me in high school and grade school (thanks Facebook) -- some with high school children who are bipolar or ADD -- and , I shared with a colleague that some very simple things (like turning the music page  for a pianist) can make me -- fall asleep -- zone out -- lose focus (I'm listening to the music, marveling at the beauty of  the melody and the way those fingers can fly across the keyboard).  Even TRYING to focus made it worse! These many "markers" pointed to ADHD, so I went in for an evaluation and woohoo....I'm on drugs!  Two, actually. An antidepressant -- which one day, after about a month, I said aloud, "no more guilt." That was extremely telling! Perhaps a lifetime of messages and feedback that...'something  is wrong with you.'

Then. The ADHD medication.  After, oh, 3 months, I found myself sitting at my desk at work...with daylight breaking through the window. Like 18 hours. No potty break, no food, I didn't even get out of the chair. And there is sooooo much more to do... the very notion of being able to focus is so totally unfamiliar!

Given those two "new" freedoms has it's own drawbacks...and it has to do with managing life in a new way.  I do not want to be a control freak who adheres to a time clock schedule. (But maybe I have to repurpose or recast what I think of as 'control freak' and managing time.) I do want to express my dedication to worthy causes (working late is one of them, but I surely do not have that one calibrated). I do want to avoid what someone referred to as "soul suckers" -- the takers of the world, the myriad of sources whose input, attitude, fears has debunked my purpose -- whether in the simplest thing or in loving life. Those are lofty words to express what I sense when reading the relationship challenges on this forum.

 

 

Carmen's picture

Taking time to be successful, but this will come!

I think that my main frustration is the fact that my husband is too detailed, way too detailed and take too long to finish a project, any project! He then starts one thing, without finishing the first one and gets disorganized!! or way too organized, when for me it is not necessary, (for example, for me it is a waste of time to sort nails: why long nails, short nails, thick nails need to be so well organized in a box, when I could be using my time to do something more productive?:). He also tends to be late and gets lost so easily! And he also eats a lot of chocolate! I love chocolate too, but I eat with moderation, he cannot live without chocolate and coke! Never! It bothers me a little bit, because I am into good eating habits in every way every day. He too, but coke and chocolate, he says, help his brain!:). I have also noticed that he does not care too much about the bills.. I pay them, I organize them... I took the lead in this area, and now it all up to me...

Also, I like to share a lot of things... (a woman thing, I think) and this can be too much for him at once.. he jokes with me that I am an "Add nightmare":)) but as a joke. I see how he struggles to pay attention and too many topics at once are  "killing" him!!  And I understand that and try to bring one subject at a time! and just enjoy the conversation.

My main frustration overall, honestly speaking, is that because of his detailed way of thinking, he has difficulty with tests, and he still did not finish his step 3 and is not yet licensed as a Psychiatrist. We are looking into having this DONE, SOON! This is it.

Other than that, I have NO COMPLAINTS whatsoever about him, about his temper. He is calm, he listens, he is a good listener, he likes to do things together, he is romantic, considerate, he never raises his voice, he likes to tell nice jokes, he is an entertainer, well educated, likes to share his readings, people like him, family and friends like him. He likes art, music, poetry (He has even published a poem!), he is a pleasure to be with! He likes to cook for me some times. He takes care of the kids, without complaining, when I need that. I need to leave some directions, but that is all. Honestly, overall, he is a great companion! I think that the fact that he is a Psychiatrist helps him to better understand what is going on with him and how to develop a good relationship with the ones around him:))). I think this counts on my favor, for sure! People love to talk with him, he has always some good insights to offer.

This question about the bad temper that I read in this forum as one of the main complaints really does not exist for me, I now wonder if is also related to personality type, family history and other mental health complications (borderline disorder, anxiety, panic syndrome, depression... etc) other aspects that also play a part in the scenario and make the Adder's life more difficult and ALSO for his/her family!

That I'm pretty sure that my

That I'm pretty sure that my bf has ADD also...yet he won't admit it. 

I know I have it, I admit my problems and shortcomings, and I've been working to fix them since I was diagnosed. Living with someone is hard, and ADD doesn't make it easier.

What makes it harder is that I'm 99% sure that he has it, yet he won't admit it, gets defensive when I say he has it, tells me that I just like to assign labels to everyone and that I'm the only one with it in our relationship and that although he has symptoms, that it doesn't affect his life or the lives of others he impacts negatively.

I beg to differ. 

Its not so much that he probably has ADD that frustrates me (cause I have it too!)...but that he won't admit to it or do anything about it. 

It's denial.

Denial is a very potent ... and perhaps you are hoping that his admitting to it will strengthen cooperation in your relationship. Ideal is for two people to help each other. But changing another person's perception if they get defensive is a futile effort. Use self care ... take care of you by by removing yourself from the negative behaviors when they happen...and tell him that is what you are doing. Not easy to be that self-aware when the thing is happening! Good luck.

That is such an awesome

That is such an awesome point...removing yourself from the negativity is so vital.

My main Frustration

I guess that will  be my boyfriend's distraction. He's just returned to his home country over a week ago. He said he will call, but there's been no call, SMS, or e-mail. I've called him twice, but his mobile is switched off. He's also missed my B'day. But I'm not berating him for it. I guess this puts me in a "does he love me or not " spot. He said I love you too fast, and I said it back too fast. I feel we've rushed into things, as I sometimes wonder if we  are connected at all. I only know a few things that he likes. I'm sure he knows about the same. We should slow down and work from being friends first, right ? We are attracted to each other, but there's no need to jump from A to Z, right ?

Any advice ? 

No need to jump from A to Z

No need to jump from A to Z Surya

Take your time.  Get to know him and find out if you really love him.  Enough to put up with whatever issues he comes with.

 

My main frustration - distraction

He's not called. I do not know if  he's alive. I have a life and my friends. But I feel lost in a way.

You don't spend time with someone, tell them you want to marry them, and then don't bother to call.

I'm not sure to hold on or let go of this relationship. It about 4 months old, and we've not fully discussed his ADHD. He's mentioned it briefly.

We work in the same company, and sooner or later will have to communicate via phone or e-mail. Is that why he doesn't want to call now ?

Is this an ADHD thing ? 

Being married to someone who

Being married to someone who is ADD, I would have to say the answer to your question is NO. I don't have a lot of knowledge, I am just learning, but his not calling would feel far worse than just ADD to me.  Isn't he out of the country? I don't know, I would just wait and see if he calls and if he has a legitimate reason (is there one???).

You're not married, you don't have the ties of finances and children, and you're already wondering and worried 4 months in. I think you know that you have huge red flags going up all around you. If I had known my husband had ADD when I met him, I would have still married him...because his good qualities outweigh his bad 95% of the time. Sure, knowing then and getting help earlier on could have saved us a lot of pain, but it is what it is.

Bottom line, not all bad behaviors can be explained away by ADD. His leaving and not calling sounds like something different. Part of me wants to scream "RUN" to you...but that's not helpful, I know. I hope you get some answers soon.

My main frustration - distraction

Thank you Mariah & Sherri.

He works offshore, so its like his month off before he returns to the rig on the sea in 2 weeks . Then , we would have to communicate via e-mail.

This is the longest he's not contacted. The last was about 9 days before he responded with e-mail.

Now, if he's not checking his e-mail or picking up his mobile,how would others reach him too ? He has to answer them at some point.

I guess part of me doesn't want to give up on him, because he's got some good qualities. But this is crazy. Here's my explanation in favour of him. Thinking about this make me wanna hold on.

He's got teenage kids he's not seen in about 6 months due to work. Maybe just maybe, he switched of everything including his laptop and mobile, to spend time with them.

Other than this, unless he's dead, I can't think of a better explanation.

 

 

 

Not calling

This has been an issue in my relationship too.  If we are apart (which is not often) he rarely remembers to call me.  It's sort of an "out of sight, out of mind" thing.  I know he has his phone or email program at work set at a reminder to call me once during the day, otherwise he doesn't think of me at all.  He says it's an ADD thing, he just gets focused on his work and everything that's going on there and usually I don't enter his mind the whole time.

Many arguments and hurt feelings later, and me explaining to him that this makes me feel unloved etc has helped, like I say he puts reminders to call me and has also asked for my picture to have on his desk so I'm not "out of sight".

For your specific situation I can really understand how worried/frustrated/hurt you must feel. If you plan on continuing in the relationship you need to have a really long talk with him when he gets back and explain how worried you were, that you didn't know if he was alive and so on.  And if he didn't have phone reception, internet access and so on, for the next time you need some backup in place, I mean there are payphones and he must be able to get a message to you somehow!

Wishing you the best.

ADD, really?

This is really strange. I am learning so much about the different 'manifestations' of ADD and am constantly surprised at how different they can be for different people. My husband calls frequently throughout the day. If he has a really, really hectic day he might only call or text a time or two, but a day never goes by that he doesn't at least once during the day (unless we're fighting). Maybe this is a difference with which main issue the ADDer has. My husband's biggest issue is impulse control and not distraction. He has some distraction issues, but it isn't his main area of weakness.

Having said that, not calling during the workday is one thing. Going out of the country for weeks at a time and "forgetting" to call would be a whole other issue to me. Can you truly blame this on ADD? I am new to the ADD world and honestly don't know...but would hate to think that someone could just 'forget' their significant other for weeks at a time.

Well, there is always the

Well, there is always the chance that he is just an inconsiderate buttmunch that doesn't love me, but I believe him when he says it's the ADD.  When he is spending time with me and focused on me, he isn't thinking of work, or anything else.  When he is on his computer it's very hard to get through to him, because that's what he's focused on.  Usually he just gets really into whatever he's doing and loses track of everything else (time, duties, loved ones, his stuff...).

I'm not suggesting Surya's guy has just forgotten her, but rather that he might be very preoccupied and if something gets in the way of his calling (dead battery, no service) he might not consider that he has other options (like borrowing a phone, finding a payphone, sending a telegram, smoke signals...).  Of course, he might be an inconsiderate buttmunch, I have no way of knowing.  I'm just trying to give a possibility that does fit my experience and that Surya might consider that and hopefully find a way to help him avoid this happening the next time they are apart.

If my ADHD spouse was nice,

If my ADHD spouse was nice, kind and compassionate- our relationship would be so much better.

He is so angry and rude and then there are the lies and "hiding things" (which in my book, this is also lying).

I feel like I can't even talk to him without him being a ball of angry defensiveness. He seems to speak in 'barks'. It is very hurtful to me, and it drives our sensitive adhd son to become angry ... and soon we are in a household of war.

When he is angry, he slams things around -it has gotten to the point that my stomach is always in knots at the thought of his "eruptions".

I know he can be a different person often-and this is the person I fell in love with. I feel like I married two people. I really don't like one, and love the other.  He can make me hate him and want to never be with him again *ever*...and feel like he is my soulmate and our life is great> all in one day.

sigh.

Hurrah!!! Someone please tell me what treatment is....

Reading stories on here is like a pachinko game of mental pictures goin' bing bing bing all the way back to when I was 6...when I got hit with a broom for not staying on task to fill a bucket with rocks (clearing the yard for a lawn). Broke my arm. And it has been an ongoing crap shoot...some very kind people and a host of others who impatient, annoyed, dismissive, duplicitous, opportunists.....I'm the one left with "why...." and unanswered How.

Do you mean there will never be answers? What about treatment will help me with organization? It seems I'm a flying cutlass of multidirectional anticipation and energy focused on doing right...and somehow inertia (don't,  no, sarcasm, a collection of....the little bits of not being understood...), and then I'm tryin' even harder but making about as much progress as a paved puddle.

I've got to admit...that I have been at work for 36 hours, writing technical manuals for extremely buggy software...nobody but you and I know that I was there overnight, and I'm afraid "it" is happening again. My 30 year old boss (about half my age) has had "episodes" (even before my working there) that turn others off --- red-faced yelling and jumping around. But over the past 6 months, I've become the target of the volatile emotional wrath....

But the real reason I'm writing is to ask for help and thank authors for sharing stories that are so similar to questions that I have been mulling over all week regarding an ongoing on/off non-relationship (4 years, mostly off)  that is just passing out of the 3-month "let's get together-but-I'm not available on your terms" phase and into the brazen contempt  phase--and I have been in a daze because I cannot even finish the 3rd word of a sentence before EITHER of these two men preemptively change the subject, and ...well, I just don't understand how it is so easy for e to always be in the wrong. In both cases I am like a deer in the headlights --perhaps in suspended disbelief...I can't make sense of either behavior when it's happening. This week, I did get up and leave...the "episodes" are astonishingly one sided. What is it and why is it happening to me?

I can sense there are those who would say that I sound like a victim, yet some piece of me is trying to understand the attack (fully expecting both them to apologize the next day. But they're still mad as though it is my fault. So what is going on with ME? What is this?

Wreaking havoc

Blue,

It is never fun to have someone who is in a bad mood tell you how you feel...especially if you are feeling the pressure of having to successfully orchestrate damage control. So when 'out of control' looms, it may be a good time to physically distance yourself, but I think it fair to let him know that you don't need to be told how you feel....unless you are specifically asking.a

I was thinking that I don't like it when someone tells me "go take your meds!" ...or, if they are the one being a poopie head, to shut down the conversation by dismissing me with "have you taken your meds today?" or "you better just go take a nap!"

 

There are many ways sarcasm sneaks into a conversation, and many ways that something innocent is heard as sarcasm. The law of diminishing return is at work if respect for self and the other person has left the building. I am happy to have found this forum, but I also realize that 'having a positive outlook' sounds good, but it is not easy.

The other thing I wanted to suggest: it isn't always "the meds" -- cycling (up and down moods and sleep/wake) can affect attitude, too. Even ADD/ADHD have crabbiness (or maybe not, because it is often on a different circadian cycle).

Main frustrations....

New to here but I think it might be the best place to vent. Just moved in with my girlfriend with ADHD and the past week heightened my stress level. A few of things that have frustrated me:

  • Being blamed because we left the house and i didn't go through the wallet,cellphone, keys checklist.
  • watching her sit, eat and nap over and over again while i unpack all the stuff.
  • Listening to her go on and on about coworkers and their slights against her but knowing that they are getting blown out of proportion in her head.
  • She doesn't want to be touched.
  • The frustration that I don't know how to help her.
  • The fear that I will cheat on her.

 

 

Carmen's picture

Hi, Chels

IT seems to me that your girlfriend has probably something else than ADD. These symptoms you mentioned could be related to another type of disorder... (panic disorder, obsessive compulsive behavior) or maybe she has a little bit of ADD and something else. Of course, I am not a doctor here, just wondering:)))) I believe that many people are labeled as ADDers and sometimes they are not or they could be a little bit. It is easier to label someone as an ADDer, but their disorder could be something else, just different! But I can be wrong!! (Just 2 cents from someone who is more and more into that!).

Thanks Carmen. She was

Thanks Carmen.

She was diagnosed with ADD long before I met her so I was ready as I could be for the up and downs of living with her. To her credit, she lets me know when she is having good days and bad days when it comes to concentration. When she takes her Adderrall she is definetly more focused but it also hurts her body (stiff neck, hurting muscles). So it becomes a balance about being focused or being in pain. What hurts me is not being able to understand it all. She's a great woman and the love of my life and I never want to hurt her but sometimes I just want to yell "Please just explain it to me!" even if I know I can never get an explanation.

Carmen's picture

Not an easy road, but it can be full of love and care!

I also married the man of my life (10 years ago) and I knew he had concentration issues... But I would never and will never leave him because of that.  Every couple has and will always have adjustments... But the important is to "fight together" against any odds, and never fight against each other:))) Today, despite all his issues, my husband is a psychiatrist who understands ADDs' like no one!:)). I learn a lot with him, in practical and theoretical terms. We also have a son who is ADD (not diagnosed yet, because he is only 5, but has ALL the characteristics of an ADD person and he is in special education), so I learn every day! I really wish you and your girlfriend ALL the best! It is not an easy road, but when love, commitment and empathy pave this road, the way is much smoother and we learn so much even about ourselves too!

Thanks Carmen

The best tactic that we both have is that we keep telling each other that no one has to do it alone. Thanks for your kind words.

Not Alone

Hi everyone,

I am new here.  I just wanted to thank you for making me realize I am not alone, which is how I feel quite often.  Clarity & Mariah - I can SO relate to you.  I feel like I am single Mom and the only one in our relationship alot of the time.  The tone of voice has always been something that has bothered me.  It is so hard not to take it personally, but I still do sometimes.

For me it was...no remorse...

Good question.

For me it was the bad attitude and behavior and worse, the total lack of remorse from my wife.   It is clear now that there is something else at work other then ADHD so I am not surprised by the extreme bad attitude and complete lack of remorse.   That's what did me in in the end after four years of endless emotional pain.

Consideration

It's hard to pinpoint one thing, but when I add up the things that bother me the most it comes down to consideration - of my feelings, of others, of anything other than himself.  Some (or all) of these things are probably not him being inconsiderate, but rather being forgetful, distracted and so on, but to me they add up to feeling like he's inconsiderate.

Things like:
being late and not calling
saying he'll do something and not doing it
helping himself to the last of...whatever...and not checking if someone else wants some
everything at the dinner table somehow ending up next to him, where nobody else can reach it
scratching himself, plucking at his teeth, nose, eyebrows, ears in front of anyone
saying hurtful things (this is done in the spirit of being honest, but feels inconsiderate)
staring at other women (I'll grant him a discrete glance if he sees someone attractive but he will stare to the point that the woman notices it and gets uncomfortable)

and other similar things.  He's not angry or mean or bad with money (he used to be, but got himself on track by the time he was 30 or so) but these things really chip away at me and depending on what they are and how often they happen I end up feeling unloved, not valued, disrespected and so on.  I've tried to explain that even though I know these things might be because of ADD, it doesn't change the fact that they hurt - just like if you drop a piano on me it's going to hurt, even if it's not on purpose.




 

Didn't Call Me Yet

Thank you Sherri & Talsa for your comments.

Guess what ? He's alive all right. He runs an online business and I can view the transactions . He's bought & sold some stuff up right to 5th Sep'10. But he couldn't call , skype or e-mail me.

When he was offshore , I e-mailed him some photos which he asked me to, saying he was missing me.

Now I'm "out of sight " ? I don't know if he was using my photos for some gratification of his own.

I know he's back on the rig, and will send him an e-mail tomorrow. What I don't get is why play around with me , if you know we work for the same company and region, meaning we'll have to communicate for work purposes ? Won't that make things uncomfortable ?

I'm 95% close to forgetting him, but the odd chance that this could be ADHD is there right ?

Of course, depending on how he corresponds to me, I can decide. This was a man 1 month ago, asking me to come to US to meet his family for X'mas.

Of course he said he wanted to come over here to meet me , this time around. That didn't happen.

I don't deserve to be treated like this.  I didn't ask to be courted, now I feel like I may be losing a friend too.

 

I am really sorry to hear

I am really sorry to hear this. I had honestly hoped this would turn out differently for you somehow. You are 100% right...you deserve to be acknowledged and recognized as someone who is important enough to him for him to make a phone call. (((HUGS)))

Sherri