Submitted by Libby on 06/22/2018.
Just thinking and wondering what makes us stay in less than ideal situations. I have no love left for my husband. No empathy no good feelings at all. So Why stick around.
-my depression from these things and my lack of energy and clear thinking
- my fear of losing my children and grandchildren
- my huge need to be believed by others. He looks pretty amazing to the outside world.
-access to money. We have a thriving business. There is also money saved but we both have to sign to access it.
So Why do you stay?
I am now divorced but when I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am now divorced but when I was still married but very unhappy with the relationship, my reasons for staying mainly were based on finances, shame, and irrational optimism ("things can get better even if H doesn't change his behavior"). Finances were a reason to stay because I worried that I didn't earn enough to support myself and provide whatever financial assistance our adult children need. Finances were also a reason to leave because H was unemployed or underemployed for the majority of our marriage. Another, related reason to leave was that his solution to the employment and money problems was to work for his father, who insists on paying him under the table and has drawn H into potentially illegal transactions.
Yeah the shame is a reason
Submitted by Libby on
Yeah the shame is a reason too. Funny that he is the one who is causing the chaos but I am the one who feels the shame. Why is that?
Shame on me
Submitted by jennalemone on
....he is the one who is causing the chaos but I am the one who feels the shame.
That is the crux of the frustration. Why do I feel the shame? Why does he not feel the shame? Because i put up with it? And would I feel shame if I had left and it was so taboo at the time?
finances, shame, and irrational optimism
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yes, these are the reasons I have stayed so long to, exactly.
Why did I stay....?
Submitted by RalphMarx on
I know why I stayed....I stayed because I hoped that we could turn the marriage around to the way it was in the early days. 17 years ago, when I meet my ADD wife, she made me laugh, really laugh,...we had incredible sex, we traveled, we had a great time together. Even though we were older parents, she was fully up for a child by way of IVF. We have a wonderful, wonderful daughter while living in the Netherlands. But she started falling off the cliff regarding anger management. It was uncontrollable. Rarely did she apologize and, of course, it was always my fault. Gradually, the frequency and intensity grew. I thought maybe we could rewind when I convinced her to take an Anger Management course (3 days) - no good....then Abuse Counseling (last 5 of 28 sessions)....paid for Marriage Counseling (waste of £300). It wasn't getting better but I stuck with the marriage because I hoped that it would get better, for our daughter's sake, and then later on, the threat of being kicked out of England (am an American citizen) if I did leave. If I got kicked out, I would lose my possessions and access to my daughter. So again, fear....fear of lossing versus maybe we could fix this if we could just figure out how to solve the problem. Three years ago, suspected ADD after discussion with some who had the condition. Paid £600 privately, and then it became clear that ADD was behind it. Abusive behaviour wasn't going to be dealt with by way of counseling. It requires multiple strategies but she is in denial. Now, after 3 years, she is approaching the NHS but I think it is more to hoodwink them into saying that she doesn't have ADD. If you lived with her, it would be so blatantly obvious.
After reading many contributions here, I came to the final conclusion that this situation was not going to change. She is in denial, refuses to consider taking any medicines, clueless to the impact it has on all the people around her. Yes, there are a few nice moments that crop up but I remind myself that things have not changed and she will blow again. I have to in one way or another, distance her from me and provide our daughter the chance of having a somewhat healthy upbringing.
Now how to get through this next phase....she can fight more viciously than anyone I have ever met. There are no rules or morals where she goes....I can only say a prayer everynight and then try to do the right thing during the day. Thanks for all your thoughts and contributions here. They have helped me enormously......
Sorry you are dealing with this.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have to in one way or another, distance her from me and provide our daughter the chance of having a somewhat healthy upbringing.
Now how to get through this next phase....she can fight more viciously than anyone I have ever met. There are no rules or morals where she goes....I can only say a prayer every night and then try to do the right thing during the day. Thanks for all your thoughts and contributions here. They have helped me enormously......)
Just reading your post, I think you are doing all you can do....The distancing yourself emotionally, and not point out her behaviors, is a great way to limit her explosions....Any time I point out my wife's behaviors, because of self blindness (denial) it always makes matters worse...We can approach them lovingly about things...But a closed mind of denial, where explosive anger outbursts (and fight to the death mentality) are common behavior...We must disengage in many ways...It is quiet a lonely life...I happen to know exactly what you are going through...I will pray that you can deal wisely w/ her, and that you can experience peace in the storm....I will pray for your daughter, that she will not be effected....And I will pray that your wife, will be broken, see herself, and cry out to the Father....
c
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Why do I stay? after 23
Submitted by dvance on
Why do I stay? after 23 wasted years? laziness mostly. I am so exhausted and worn down I just don't have it in me to do whatever it takes to unravel our life. Finances are also a HUGE factor--we have a lot of medical debt and he has had many periods of unemployment. While I carry the insurance for all 4 of us, I could not even cover our rent on my salary alone. Right now our kids are 16 and 19; when they were younger I wasn't sure that he would continue contact with them if we split but now they are old enough to keep it up themselves or make their peace with it if he disappeared from their lives if we did split. Right now, as I sit here, finances and laziness are the reasons I am still here. When our boys were younger he was a better dad--he was great at playing with them, reading with them, playing legos--the fun stuff. Keeping track of homework, discipline--forget it. Now that they are older and the stakes are higher, the trouble they could get into could have more serious consequences, he is useless. He undermines me at every turn in terms of disciplining both boys. If we have had sex 10 times in the past 6 years I'd be surprised. We don't go out together at all. We don't talk about anything of substance, neither of us gets any support of any kind from the other. At this point I hope he has someone else on the side because he isn't getting anything from me physical or otherwise and he is a guy who needs someone, I am just no longer that person. I may never have been, but that's another conversation!!!