I have been in a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone I love. There is no doubt in that. But he has ADD and I have trouble reconciling who he wants to be with who he actually is.
My boyfriend, who I hope will someday be husband, is well aware of his ADD shortcomings and he actively tries tactics to battle the symptoms: forgetting to do things, procrastination, inability to 'see' what needs to be done without being told. He takes medication that I don't think is working, but does not see a therapist or have a defined work plan. He is very intelligent, but he can stare at a homework assignment for hours and not be able to get it done.
I love him, but I am terrified of feeling like he isn't my true partner in life and that I will constantly have to work to make sure his 'intent' matches any follow through. I am worried that even with his intelligence and love of learning that he will be unable to have a steady job or even unable to do things that I make clear to him that have to get done.
I am a very organized and capable person, so this is particularly hard for me. I try so hard to be understanding when he forgets to buy be a birthday present even after I remind him or he doesn't write an email to a teacher to make sure he passes a class. His intentions are always so good, but they only occasionally are congruent with his actions.
What can I do?
I am torn between love and my need to have a real partner in life.
things to consider
Submitted by gardener447 on
This is "for what it's worth". Only you can decide.
First I'm an old lady, and I believe when you know, you know. When you aren't sure, you don't know. You don't do the other party any favors when you do something with only half a commitment. Do you have a history of "not being sure" about large decisions? If you're young, you might not have enough experience to answer that. But I've known some people who have never quite been sure of anything for decades, so they tend to never actually do anything. To me that's how you identify the difference between "cold feet" and your intuition strongly trying to tell you something.
You say: His intentions are always so good, but they only occasionally are congruent with his actions. You've probably noticed, but this is true of everyone to some extent. Even you. ADHD is frequently a matter of degree. Things that everyone does sometimes happen so often with ADHD, and go unacknowledged, that they cause life problems. My guy seems to have a form of ADHD that doesn't cause him to be angry, intentionally cruel, and has always been able to hold down a job. If he had a more severe expression of ADHD, maybe I wouldn't still be here. So if he never gets any "better" than he is right now, can you still love him and have a workable relationship? Because sometimes things never get any better.
You would be within your "rights" to ask that he continue to seek medication that does work, and that he develop organizational methods that improve the consistency of results. If he can't or won't do that, only you can decide if that's a deal breaker. But from my 36 years experience loving an ADHD man, it is not the ADHD that causes me the greatest distress. It is the crappy coping mechanisms he uses to distort, deny, and deflect the blame/shame he feels.
Some "how to find a mate" books say you should have a list of characteristics that you require in your life partner. Unfortunately people usually include traits instead of values. Do you and your boyfriend have similar feelings about honesty, integrity, family, work, spirituality, personal growth, etc? Or at least the top two or three? If yes, it matters less if he will also always struggle with forgetting, procrastination or not living up to the potential you see in him, so long as he has sought and is using techniques to minimize ADHD. If NO, then the additional stress of living with ADHD would probably be fatal to the relationship for both of you.
You won't find anything here that will convince you to take the plunge -- yet you might find advice on some posts that would tell you to run the other way. This is your life, your love, and only you know what kind of partner he is capable of being to you. Pretend you've made the decision to marry -- does that make you sick to your stomach, or fill you with joy and relief? If you don't start out with joy, you better figure out how you will find it along the way. Good luck!