What now, nothing works?

  1. Adderal XR
  2. Ritalin
  3. Dextroamphetamine
  4. Straterra
  5. Adderal, Ritalin and Dex again with "drug holidays" (2 days on, 5 off)
  6. Neurontin
  7. Vyvanse
  8. Provigil
  9. Nuvigil
  10. Namenda
  11. Intuniv

I first took Adderal XR in November of 2008. For 2 weeks the noise was attenuated. It was truly remarkable to have the first vacation in my life from the hell that is living with my own brain and getting to experience what life must be like for everyone else. Unfortunately it didn't last. I quickly (two weeks as mentioned) developed a resistance to it. The does was upped, no effect. None of the stimulants tried thereafter have had any effect at all on me (I may as well have been taking sugar pills (in fact they probably would have been more effective)). The other medications have either not worked, or have had such unbearable side effects that I couldn't take them long enough to find out if they'd work.

I've seen 4 different psychiatrists and 3 psychologists. I've been to the Hallowell Center in Sudbury and saw a psychiatrist there and did LENS neurofeedback. After getting no results from LENS my case was put in front of the designer of the system himself and after using those tweaked maps there was still no improvement. I've been to the Amen Clinic and had the SPECT scans (btw, AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE... those guys are total snake oil salesmen and the recommend procedures  (specifically hyperbaric oxygen therapy) which they have absolutely ZERO experience with and when asked things like "what depth, how long of a dive is required, what frequency do you recommend becaue nobody within a 500 mile radius of Boston has heard of treating ADHD with this and Mass General actually laughed" they come up with the brilliant asnwer of "oh, we really don't know"). I've done cognitive behavioral therapy, I've done the list making, the chunking, the timers, etc. and I can't stay focused enough to even make those things work.

So now what? I'm 37 and I'm still dependent on my parents. It's humiliating. I've been called "brilliant" and "genius" and what not. I have tried my ass off. I have not been able to enjoy life for the most part because I am always trying to keep my head above water, or trying something new in hopes that it will help me cope. Nothing has worked. I can't hold a traditional job of any sort so for the past 8 years I've been self employed but my businesses are unsuccessful because I have to put so much time and energy in getting the core things done for my customers that I have no time for marketing or sales. Last year I made -$10,000, and this year I'm on track to do even worse. The savings are dwindling. The economy is bad but I can't peg this on the economy as my colleagues have all managed to keep their heads above water.

Today my psychologist suggested that I speak with my psychiatrist about advocating disability for me (I know it sounds ridiculous but there's a number of other issues I have that make it impossible for me to find a job that would pay me enough to cover my medical expenses, put a roof over my head, and food on the table, the combination of these things has made it impossible for me to find work (burger flipping 40 hours a week wouldn't even scratch my medical bills)... if you're thinking this psychologist is a quack, he's not... he has a lot of experience with ADHD and I believe used to work for Hallowell).

That is NOT a path I want to go down. I've already been a burden on so many other people, I don't want to add the taxpayers to that long list. So what now? I am fracking exhausted. My entire existence is put into work, only to fail every time. I love my girlfriend but she wants a house and kids. We thought we'd be married now and down that path but my ADHD seems to be getting worse. I can't even handle supporting myself. After reading the Orlov book it became quite obvious that the responsibility, organizational skills, and time management that is required of parents is currently impossible for me (not to mention the financial obligation). It's bad enough that I'm considering leaving my girlfriend (who ironically enough is actually a psychologist). I love her, and I want her to be happy and the logical way for me to give that to her is to leave her. She'll grieve but she'll get over it. Hopefully it's not too late for her to fall in love again and find someone who can give her what she wants. For me, that's it. I can't ever get into another relationship. I've had 4 girlfirends and 3 of those were long term relationships (4 years, 10 years, and the current one is at 2 years). ADHD was the predominant contributing factor to the end of the first two, and it's creating significant issues in my current relationship. I can't expose someone to that ever again. I fear the rest of my life is going to be quite lonely.

I've seen the best in the world and I feel like I'm now out of options. Is there anything else? I'm exhausted. I don't want to be like this. I want to look back on life and be able to point to something that I can be proud of.