Have you ever wondered, is there something I can say or do, to make my spouse understand what living with them is like? After years of failed communication attempts, have you ever wondered, how on earth do I get through to this person? I sure have! When someone gets offended (starts off defensive) before you can ask your first question about their behavior. It's not a good sign that any progress will ever be made...
The reason I failed so often over the past 10 years is multiple...One, I was speaking into a closed mind most of the time which is fruitless...Two, I waited way to often to bring up things when I was angry about it. (Very foolish)...I would end up having to apologize for my tone or my anger and never made it to her behavior...Of course it was obvious that she loved it when this happened...And three and probable the most important, I wasn't prepared to follow through with any real and lasting consequences...
So this brings me to my question...What have you learned to do or say (if anything) in a short nice sentence that has made real and positive change in your spouses behaviors? (things that seem to create self awareness, and a willingness to do relationship work)
I've got a few to put on the list....
Action....Love; Love which says acceptance, but never enablement....
Kind comment....Just love me like you would counsel our daughters and daughter in law, to love our son's and daughters....(This shocked her into looking at her life; she know's she would not want her self absorbed life style to destroy our children's marriages.)
Kind comment....Please just leave if you are not going to do the work you vowed to do...Or I will....Action.... be as good as your word....Be completely at peace with living alone if it is the only way to have a peaceful and sane life....(This was the big one, she knew I wasn't going any where for most of our marriage...She knew my commitment, and she knew my hate for divorce...But she knew her calm speaking husband; was done this time...
I am Interested if any one has found constructive ways, or things they have spoken, to improve the effort and attitude of their spouses?
C
Consequences and examples
Submitted by vabeachgal on
C:
I can only remember two times where my communication was effective. In the first circumstance, I compared our situation to another couple. Not ideal, I know. In this case, the woman had hidden activities, caused financial distress, and hurt her husband because she didn't talk to him about the issues. Three times. My h confessed that his friend was hurt, betrayed and regretful. He said his friend should kick her to the curb. I drew parallels to show how similar his actions were. What advice would you give me if it wasn't you?
Second, I found documents from the IRS that he had hidden. In this case, calm and consequence worked. I said go to a therapist this week and start figuring it out or we re done. He knew I was serious. Mostly because that s all I said. He was accustomed to letting everything blow over.
I wish I could say it helped with lasting change, but it didn't. Those are really the only times I felt that I connected with his brain.
Good, bad or indifferent, he doesn't see things the same way I do and doesn't "get" what I say, which I think is the basis of so many add and non miscommunications.
I can see both of those situation's being effective....
Submitted by c ur self on
That first one..OUCH! LOL...It made smile....And I think you are right on, the way you handled the second one...Short and to the point, w/ no reference to Jest...Now that's something any mind can grasp...
Thank for sharing VBG, I like your examples....
C
Options....
Submitted by c ur self on
When a married person, allows themselves OPTIONS that makes it impossible to fulfill their marriage commitment, it will really make a spouse scramble to try and communicate this to them...So I guess this is why I wrote the original post "What really works" to begin with....
This is a good question to ask our selves...No matter how our minds work!!....Do I allow my self **options** that most spouses with "good marriages" upon hearing it...Would instantly say: That's not an option??
Sadly that can be the crucks of the problem so many times....Allowing our selves these **Disrespectful Options that tear down, instead of build up** When we justify selfish desires there isn't much hope for the spouse to correct it...It will have to come from inside the person....Yes, without discipline and self examination, without giving of our time, attention and care to our relationship, we are set for failure right out of the gate....So my mind says....How do I kindly shock this person into reality??
But it's like VBG said...We may find some things...But I've come to realize, if it works (see responsible change in some areas) for 6 to 8 weeks, it was an awesome idea....But it's an effort....Effort is something we continue to give to keep from quitting....
C