So, I know I've posted my share of negativity and complaining about how my husband's adhd symptoms have made me feel like I am crazy at times, but after reading so many negative comments by others I feel so sad for each partner of each marriage represented on here. And I would like to commit to posting more positive comments than negative from now on...I would just say positive, but I know there will be days I need to vent. And I would like to ask others to join me in this endeavor. Maybe encouraging one another more to change our perspectives will make all of our marriages better. I want to be more proactive in having a healthy marriage. Also, in reading about others' situations I realize how great my husband is in so many ways such as the fact that he works very hard and I have never been concerned about his inability to keep a job. He doesn't deserve me just dishing out crap about him when I'm pissed off. I know that I would be crushed if he did that about me. So here goes. I'm going to list a few things that are great about him to start with and a response that has helped our marriage situation.
1. He is very affectionate and gives affection upon immediate request if I'm ever feeling affection neglected. (this happens to be my love language :) )
2. He (even if it does not appear so) generally hears my complaints and makes an effort to do something about it. (of course this is not long term, but I appreciate at least the short term response)
3. He is absolutely, without a doubt the most generous person I have ever met and would give a complete stranger the last dollar on him. I'm sure you could see the potential negative in this, but it has never caused us any financial distress and he always reigns it in if I I think he may get carried away.
4. He is deeply committed to our marriage and I am confident in his love for me.
5. He almost always does the dishes, which happens to be my least favorite chore.
I have learned over time (even though I still fail at this regularly), and with the help of Melissa's book and phone seminar, to recognize when his behavior is adhd rearing it's ugly head and that has helped me to have more grace in responding to him. If I can mentally/emotionally step back from the situation and remember that we are on the same team and how much I know that he genuinely loves me, I can respond to him in a different manner depending on the situation which definitely changes the outcome. I see the adhd for what it is and the man I love struggling behind it; it almost always creates compassion in me towards him, and in the end our emotional bond is what matters. Everything else will pass away. People are what matter. I know this is kind of vague, but next time I will post a more specific interaction and how our responses to one another were different.
Oh, one more thing I'll try to just add quickly here, and this hit me like a brick just recently, but the simplicity of it makes it almost embarrassing to admit I'm just now getting it. So in recent arguments, when my husband was frustrated with me about something, I realized that he was approaching me in ways I have approached him, I mean exactly! And these ways I was approaching him were very immature, degrading, hurtful, even manipulative to try to get my way or point across. Wow, talk about how much that hurt to have it coming back at me. It absolutely crushed me to think that all these years he was enduring that pain from me. It's actually making me cry to think about it now. And at that point, in God's amazing graciousness, it hit me that DUH, the golden rule, 'treat others how you want to be treated' and I had not been treating him how I would wanted to be treated when approached about a disappointment. So needless to say, that reigned me in and though it has been somewhat hard to change my behavior towards him, I try to keep this in the forefront of my mind especially when I get frustrated with him. I think "how would I want him to approach me about this topic?" And I tell you what, I have seen almost immediate results. Simple, but hard to do, AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO IT TOO! <3 :-)
Best wishes and abundant blessings to all my nons and adhders alike.