Some of the people on this board say they love their errant spouses. They say they love this person right after they talk about all the things this person is doing that hurts them and diminishes them. I call that NEED. If we are not getting our needs met, we are IN WANT and IN NEED not IN LOVE. The needs feels like love because you DESIRE something that is being kept from you ....it hurts because you are not getting your needs met. Our romantic culture wants to call that LOVE and the "love gurus" tell us how to spice up a relationship by withholding, being mysterious, enticing and using sex to manipulate and get our way, having strong boundaries so that we guard our self respect from this person we "love" . We are fooling ourselves. Being tantilyzed without receiving follow though and trust is a teasing game that we find alluring but it is selfish and mean and unproductive and uncaring...the opposite of love. That kind of romantic, coy, erotic "love" hurts if you have promised each other to be in a committed relationship but one of you is using the relationship for an easy ego manipulation. It makes us "spouse objects" afraid and unsteady to be lied to in this way - (many broken promises). Yet we yearn for the stimulation and permit ourselves to hope and trust for more promises that are never realized. A "healthy marriage love" means commitment, caring, trusting, communication, reliability, and sharing. It is not relationship at all if only one spouse tries and tries to "understand", and compromise, and wonder why the other spouse seems so distant and uninvolved.
Do you know a healthy, loving married relationship? Does one spouse talk about all the hurt and pain and then say, but I love him? I am more interested these days in, do I trust him, can I count on him, do I feel like a better person when I am with him, is he putting effort into the relationship and common goals? NOT - he is sexy, all the women love him, he is funny and a good flirter. If I need that kind of tintilation, I will go watch a movie. I WANT and NEED companionship I can trust so that this knot in my stomach can go away.
Added later: This is not an ADD thing. I know Adders who love and commit and are trustworthy and work toward goals with tremendous due diligence. I am not sure why I wrote this other than it is my particular pain to be grieving the lack in my life I feel. I am trying to meet my own needs so that I do not need so much from dh/or anyone...or at least try to figure out what those needs are that I think I need.