I need a little help interpreting this situation. I am an adhd husband who is presently separated from my wife but living under the same roof (roommates). She initiated the separation. She says that nothing has changed with us. I now interpret that to mean that she is lonely and I still have not connected with her. She says I still speak harshly with her and do not know how to interact with her. She has stated recently that there is no us and can not be until I get help. Do not work on us, work on me.
Recently (this week) she resigned from her job (career job 46K) to open a pre-school. Obviously opening a business will require a lot of resources. Resources that she really does not have. If she can not open the school in an off site location then she wants to open it at our home and build from there. As of today I am the single income earner in the home. We.....she (we are separated remember) have 2 1/2 months to get things together prior to the school opening.
What the what is this???? She can not possibly do this without me. What is she thinking? I am not trying to be egocentric, but the reality is she can not do this without me, but we are separated remember. I am really contemplating leaving. I am 1 month post diagnosis and now accepting that I have adhd. She is and feels what the majority of the non-adhd women on this forum feels. So if she knows that I am struggling (we are struggling) and I am falling apart through all of this why would she do this? I am on the verge of a nervous break down over my failing marriage and she quits her job.!.? Why would she put herself in a position that if I left she literally could not make it? If our marriage is struggling this much why would she put herself in a position where she is even more dependent on me? If we divorced I was willing to go through counseling she was not. Surely the judge would look at that in my favor. She resigned (no unemployment). Being honest with you all, she does not talk about divorce I have.... out of frustration.
When I reach out to her I know she wants me to reach out to her, but she rejects me every time. She wants to be connected with me but she resist any attempt for me to connect. Obviously she is scared to trust me. I get that. But if we are separated should I not accept the terms and start enjoying my half of the separation too? She is or seems to be enjoying her half of the separation.
My position... if she is not healing and wants to remain separated, why would I stay here while she lives a single life at my expense (in house baby sitter while she takes up dancing to escape)? I love her and I grieve the idea of my children growing up in a single household, but what am I to do? Am I being self-centered? I have been advised through this forum to be patient and to understand her pain. To endure the hurt and soldier on. But if she does not want to go through counseling as a couple but demands that I get help myself that puts me in a position where I must self-preserve. What am I to tell a counselor? She feels that the sessions need to be all about me. She wants me to get myself together and I really do not need to mention her in the session. What!!!!! This makes no sense to me!!! My sadness is due to a failing marriage. My erratic behavior is due to this nightmare situation. I am totally consumed day and night with my marriage and she says focus on me not her. My world had been rocked because the love of my life is not happy. This is impacting my performance on my job. She says there can be no us until I deal with me. She wants me to change and I need to work on me not the relationship, but at the same time she says nothing has changed or changing. In fact things have gotten worse according to her. So working on me is working on the relationship.?! But yet I believe she really wants a normal relationship with a strong connection. What the What..... The biggest issue is the lack of connection which has produced a non-existent relationship. I get it.
I am tired. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am tired. If I ask her what does she want she says she is tired of saying it. She does not want to talk about us at all. If I were to leave right now my children and wife would suffer tremendously I know, but if I stay I fear that I will have an emotional melt down. I fully accept my responsibility and part in what has caused my marriage to be where it is right now. My heart says be patient, find a healthy outlet as you rebuild; keep trying and do not give up. My mind says ok.....I will deal with me....20 miles or so away. Either way it goes this is an extremely painful situation.
I think there are two issues
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think there are two issues here. One is your wife's decision to quit her job and start a preschool in your shared home, with the expectation that you'll help. I agree with you that this is totally inappropriate right now for both of you.
The other issue is the "working on you, not us" issue. I'll give you my perspective based on my own experience. My husband (he has ADHD) and I have typical ADHD-relationship joint and individual problems. The biggest, hugest, I-can't-get-over-it-even-though-I-should-be-able-to problem for me is that my husband will not look for a job. Another big problem is that I get angry sometimes and this causes my husband to, in his words, shut down. A third problem is that we can't talk about problems very well because when I mention things that are bothering me, my husband feels guilty and shuts down. Of these three things, the third one clearly is one that will need to be solved together, if we're going to solve it. The second one is mine to deal with, and I have, for the most part, done so. Since January, when I said, to my husband and to myself, "I will stop displaying anger," I have complied, except for one time (and my display consisted of me raising my voice; no violence or anything like that). The first one is my husband's to deal with; either he'll look for a job or he won't, but I can't make him do so. I acknowledge that ADHD and other emotional and cognitive issues contribute to my husband's difficulty starting a job search. But he will not deal with those emotional and cognitive issues, other than to continue taking several prescription medications, which he has been doing for years.
So, at this point, I'm not particularly interested in working on the "us" issue, because, FOR ME, my husband's issue is a make or break the marriage issue, and he's not working on it. If he deals with it, the marriage won't be magically cured, but I will feel better about our marriage and I will feel better about my husband. If he continues to not deal with it, he'll be that nice guy in the other room; maybe OK as a roommate but not OK as someone to commit myself to emotionally and physically.