For those of you that have lived through something similar, what do you wish you had done when you were dealing with work, kids, and an ADHD spouse?
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 40 when after the birth of our third child, our marriage started to really struggle. We have three young kids ages 4, 2, and 1. That would make anyone insane, but with my husband’s ADHD, I’m at my breaking point.
My husband’s defensiveness and moodiness are so draining. I walk on eggshells and try to do as much as I can myself, and ride the waves of the daily moods, but every week or two he spirals into a bout of insecurity and defensiveness that leads to days of us barely speaking. The stress is taking a huge toll on me and I keep asking myself if this is worth it, but with small kids, I can’t imagine splitting up.
I’m considering all sorts of things to minimize the chaos - going part time, an in-house separation, pausing retirement contributions in order to have nearly round the clock help or an au pair.
If you’ve lived through this, what do you WISH you had done? Every move feels like an enormous sacrifice right now, so what’s the right sacrifice to make? My health? My career? My marriage?
Do not sacrifice your health
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Do not sacrifice your health. You need it to manage everything.
Do not sacrifice your career. You will need it if you separate. You will still have to manage a household with small children and an ADHD husband even if you give up your career.
I have to wonder out loud how difficult it will be to have an around the clock au pair in chaos.
What I would have done differently was called an end to the marriage earlier, when I first noticed the selfish and immature behavior instead of making excuses and creating work arounds for all of these years.
I am saying this with complete sincerity right now. After 3 years of unremitting stress and 15 years with an ADHD husband, I've experienced some health issues. Let me tell you where that has me today. I just reviewed the divorce paperwork with my H. I asked him, "Hey, when I tell you that 3 years of stress (dating sites, huge undisclosed debts) has caused health problems, do you feel anything? Any responsibility or regret? "
The answers: "I feel sorry for you but that's on you." "You know you never supported me enough."
I'm laughing through the tears. He has absolutely ZERO ability to understand how actions affect another person. It's all on me.
Don't let this be you.
Don't sacrifice your life for 15 years as I did to hear a crap answer like that.
Lehcar...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Does your H agree with his diagnosis?
THAT, in itself will give you a direction. If he is then put a time line on it....SERIOUSLY.
If he blows the possibility off.......same thing.
You have children. Don't for one minute think they are not taking in the chaos and tension. You don't like it...neither do they.
I would love for you all to be a family. Addressing ADHD needs to happen sooner not later. Do not WASTE your life or theirs.
I am 45 yrs married and recently separated. My H diagnosed 5 years ago. That's 5 years off my life I can't get back. My regret....not putting a time line on it and following through. I so hoped he wanted the marriage saved....I was wrong.
Be sure that you involve qualified ADHD professionals in your seeking help. You need to understand ADHD along with taking care of you and kids....FIRST.
Wishing you well.
Consult professionals
Submitted by Carolina moon on
You cannot sort this out yourself while still working and keeping your family stable. Get therapy for yourself, separate therapy for your marriage, if needed also for your kids. If your husband will not respond to therapy, let the marriage go. Let me tell you what happens to kids who grew up in a chaotic home. They either are also choas causers (dragging your grandchildren into another generation of this mess), or live in constant fear of their spouse becoming your husband, or they will move as far away as they can get and you'll have a Facebook relationship. Save yourself and your kids whatever it takes. My kids' take on their childhood: Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home.
Hi Lehcar....Tough Love....
Submitted by c ur self on
(My husband’s defensiveness and moodiness are so draining. I walk on eggshells and try to do as much as I can myself, and ride the waves of the daily moods, but every week or two he spirals into a bout of insecurity and defensiveness that leads to days of us barely speaking. The stress is taking a huge toll on me and I keep asking myself if this is worth it, but with small kids, I can’t imagine splitting up.)
Many of us live with a spouse who have the same issues you have listed here...."It's about acceptance of their reality" Once you (and I and the rest of us) stop battling this reality, we start doing what works to separate ourselves from their chaos....You would already have done it, if it was a co-worker or even another family member....But the personal nature of a marriage causes the eggshells, the enabling, the desire to change another human...It causes reality blindness....We suffer in the name of what we call Love, when all along we are destroying the relationship and just feeding the beast...
Suggestion....Many of us who have spouses that cannot be verbally communicated with, (who want hear w/o defensiveness and interruption) use texts, emails, or letters for important things....So I suggest to you that you need to decide what boundaries need put in place, to limit his negative impact on you...I would stay away from ultimatums unless you are ready to calmly carry them out....Try to not look at him as a husband, but just a tourist who is mooching living space....(Definition of a husband is a loving leader, who loves his wife like he loves him self, who lives with his wife in an understanding manner) I'm not saying disrespect him, I'm saying **SEE him and his priorities clearly and manage your life and boundaries from that point**
He must ultimately decide if he loves his three babies and his wife enough to do the work he should be doing in his home as a Husband and Father...But since he is not at this time, you must let him know you will not be considering his needs any longer because you have to many other responsibilities of your own to go along w/ all the one's he has forsaken to deal with being a wife.....Guard your heart from anger and bitterness..But marriage has to work two ways, for it to be a marriage!
I don't know how you make it to be honest...I hope you have some support? Church family? Friends?
I will pray for you Lehcar.....
C
If you’ve lived through this, what do you WISH you had done?
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
In many ways, I did live through this.
My wife originally wanted 4 children. After 2 c-sections (which she was firmly against and sees as her "failure"), she decided she would be OK with adopting 1 more kid. Our financial situation was horrible. She had started to crack under the pressure of our first kid, so things became worse after the second. Yet she kept making me tell her I was "still open" to adopting a third kid. I got to the point where I told her that the stress was too much for me. I was afraid that one way or another (divorce or suicide), I would be out of the marriage if we had any more kids. That finally did it.
Things did not start improving until she hit rock bottom, which in this case meant me telling her that we either had to find a marriage counselor or get divorced. Unlike our previous attempts at counseling, this one was able to make her see how bad her anger problem was and that she needed to get counseling and psychiatric help. (Part of this was the anger she expressed at the kids, which made her guilty. She was able to be OK at abusing me--sometimes as a surrogate for abusing the kids--but finally could not reconcile her extreme anger at the kids with her "supermom" identity/aspirations.)
Something that also helped was reading books on dealing with volatile spouses. At first I thought she had Borderline Personality Disorder, so I read Walking on Eggshells. I also read The High Conflict Couple. I managed to control my reactions to her moods, and that helped a lot. I learned to not take it personally. If she was blaming me for something I did not do--even something SHE did--I used to fight back. My assumption was that people are rational, and either. Accepting that there was no reason to her outbursts made it easier for me to remain calm while still explaining, for example, it is not my fault that she chose that restaurant.
I also set some boundaries. If she started abusing me, I left the room. On some particularly bad occasions, I left the house for a few hours and refused to answer my phone. There were some times when she was being critical of my driving that I pulled over and got out. For example, she was angry at herself one time because she had parked in the wrong garage (not the one that she had found online and already paid for) and we then had trouble getting the car out of the place when the concert was over. She took out this anger by criticizing which lane I was in. Then I was afraid that she was going to criticize me when I stopped twice at the same stop sign. She did-but because I supposedly didn't stop at all. The criticism continued after we picked up the kids and I pulled over and got out. She refused to drive, so I eventually had to resume driving. Another time, she was expressed that she wanted to drive and started wincing when I was 150 feet behind buses and vans. I pulled over and offered to let her drive, but no, pulling over on the shoulder was too dangerous! The wincing continued, and took an exit, found a parking lot, and got out. No, she did not want to drive after all. After some time, I eventually started driving again.
ditto
Submitted by GotSoul on
Following because I'm in such a similar position. I fantasize about leaving my ADHD husband on a daily basis but know that in reality the stress that would be relieved would then be replaced with the stressors of being a single mom. Also, I can't imagine Co-parenting with an adhd ex because he's never on time and I cant trust his judgment due to severe impulsivity, distractibility and anger issues. We are currently in Melissas couples seminar, which is amazing, but relationship change is a two way street that I'm traveling alone. Feeling very hopeless, vulnerable and stuck as it sounds like you are too.
Fyi
Submitted by doublej on
It was easier being a single mom (4 teenagers) than being married to an adhd spouse. All the things I feared did not come to pass.
Would have not accepted...
Submitted by adhd32 on
I accepted his excuses and the lack of a meaningful relationship with him because I think that unconsciously I did not want to deal with the fall out. I own my behavior and that was a big mistake. I allowed him to set the tone for his role in the family and accepted his lack of interest and emotional support. I think I was trying to hold the family together because I feared the possible outcome of a divorce and I felt, and still do, that being married to him was like being a single parent anyway.
I would not have been so available to him to fix his mistakes unless they had a direct impact on me, but the moaning and groaning was more than I could take sometimes and I just went ahead and took care of things (again, my mistake).
I would not have always caved to what he wanted just to avoid drama.
I would have accepted that he would never change much sooner. You may work on things and there will be improvement but my experience has been that sustained change is elusive. He goes back to the comfort zone he knows rather than face his mistakes and make a real change. The sad part is as he is getting older he is getting worse!
I would have stopped thinking he actually wanted to be involved in our lives and stopped trying so hard by including him in family ( boring to him) things.
I would have stopped feeling responsible for his behavior sooner and stopped making excuses for him. If he wants to act like a jerk, it has nothing to do with me.
I would have cultivated more outside friendships sooner with other people and spent time doing the things I was interested in doing.
This is a very difficult situation to be in. You are young and there is so much more for you coming down the pike. For me, there was zero support from H on the home front while my attention was focused on OUR aging parents' needs. In fact, he just ramped up his usually irritated mood to make things 100 times worse instead of saying "what can I do to help". Through the years, he took very little interest in the kids lives and complained when he had to be involved. Now that they are grown he has superficial relationships with them. He is jealous of my close relationships with them, even claiming a few times that I "turned them against" him. No, I told him, he did that all by himself by letting them down and letting others do what he should have been doing as their father. Last night I mentioned a very stressful time in our daughter's sophomore year at college that nearly sent her into a breakdown and I could tell he didn't remember it even though he was slightly involved at the time it occurred. Out of sight with him, he never called her after she went back to school that year and just assumed things were better. When I would update him he would get angry at me. Why, I asked, your phone dials out too.
I don't know the answer but it is so draining to live with a person who is incapable of showing empathy and concern for others. Take care of yourself first, those kids need you.
I would have gotten educated earlier
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I had all of these same choices to make - I went independent (started my own consulting practice) and part-time in order to keep going in the workplace as well as be the mother I wanted to be. Actually earned more money working part time for myself than I did full time for someone else, so that turned out well (I have a raft of friends who observed this and did similarly - they did not have ADHD husbands...just too many things on their plates). But what I really wished I could do differently is I wish someone was around to help me understand better what was going on.
Because there are SO MANY things you can do to make your situation better. If you haven't read my books, and taken my couples seminar, start there. Full of ideas of things that actually work. Your husband will need to be involved with the seminar - you can probably get his interest by reading him parts of the 'patterns' chapter of The ADHD Effect on Marriage that seem relevant. Either that or simply saying "I know this might not be of interest to you, but I'm wondering if you might take it with me." If you're concerned about his keeping going with it, wait for a live seminar...having me on the phone each week can help motivate folks...plus hearing all the other couple's questions is very helpful.
I'm not writing this in order to self-promote. I grieve over the years I lost as I struggled to figure out the right path...these resources are designed to cut that time down for you.
Thank you
Submitted by lehcar on
I am so touched and grateful to you all for your comments. It seems like the common theme is to face reality sooner rather than later, even if it's not what I envisioned for myself or my family.
For more context, my husband was diagnosed 8 months ago and he is active in his own treatment (counseling and meds for ADHD, depression, and anxiety). I am seeing a counselor on my own and that is my life raft right now. We tried couples counseling on and off, but we put that on pause because we get into a pattern of repetitively restating the problems with little behavior change on his part and increased effort, anger, and resentment on my part.
I've been with my husband 10 years, the last 3 have been strained and the last year or so has been unsustainable. As ADHD goes, I feel lucky. He has a successful career, no addictions, and no affairs. It's the daily emotional toll that is wearing me down. He is committed to changing, but after 8 months of treatment, I haven't seen much progress and in some ways it is worse because with the tiny bit of self awareness he's gained, he's even more sensitive and insecure.
I think what this thread has confirmed for me is that taking care of myself and my kids has to be my priority. It didn't really occur to me until just now as I write this how disturbing it is that my marriage is in direct conflict with those goals. I know I need to set healthy boundaries, and I think I'm finally at a place where my current discomfort outweighs the fear of what those boundaries might spell for my marriage. For the time being, I've moved out of the bedroom, not to punish him, but just to get a few moments of peace and sanity each night, and I've given up on the illusion that he can take on half the child care responsibilities and have come up with a plan for after-care and weekends.
Does anyone have a story of a spouse that came around? I know I'm setting the right boundaries for the moment, because I've hit a new low, but I fear that I'm going to become callused and closed off to reconciling. Or maybe I'm just keeping false hope alive and setting myself up for another ride on this rollercoaster.
I am the spouse who came around. But too late
Submitted by Chardy on
Hi Lechar,
I got diagnosed with ADHD 9 months ago at 42. This was a massive blessing as it explained so much about my life and the constant stream of screw-ups and failures.
So I jumped at the chance to make things better. Medication was a revelation! But I didn't stop there and I also got a great ADHD coach. When I saw him the first time, he asked me - "What do you want to work on first? What is concerning you the most?"
Well, I screwed up here. "Work, I'm having a lot of trouble at work." I thought my 20 year marriage was stable. I was wrong.
A few months ago, my wife declared she no longer feels anything for me and did not need me anymore. For the first time I understood that my marriage was broken.
After that I made every mistake possible to make - I let the ADHD control me.
I then started learning. I learned about how ADHD affects relationships. The stages of grief. RSD. And so much more! I became attentive, used the structure I learned for work to complete chores and maintenance. I learned how to kill my negative thinking and to be pisitive in adversity. I learned about her language of love. I became available to her. And because I wanted to.
I am now sitting on a couch at my fathers place waiting until it's time for me to visit my kids while she goes to the gym with her girlfriends. Sadly my epiphany came to late.
But I am a better person. I have forgiven my ex-wife and feel gratitude for every single thing she has done for me. I feel that she, sadly, still carries the anger and resentment for the years of pain.
Your ADHD husband can come around and it sounds like he's seeking treatment? I would suggest that maybe you attend a coaching session with him and let the coach know your feelings. The only other thing I would say is that the person before the diagnosis is the same person after, but the way he now engages the world is changing for the better. But a year isn't a long time to deal with a lifetime of bad habits. I can also guarantee you he is scared. But maybe, seeing as he's freshly diagnosed, and actively being treated, give him the chance I never got?
Don't wait to long to make a decision
Submitted by Resentful on
After being married to an ADHD spouse for 18 years, the only way your marriage will survive is if he acknowledges his condition and works hard to address the challenges it presents in a relationship. It wasn't until recently that I learned that many of the problems in our marriage were due to undiagnosed ADHD. I spoke to my husband about this, sent him material on adult ADHD and online posts about others who were struggling with the same marital issues we were facing, all in the hopes that he would understand where I was coming from and work with me in finding solutions. In the end, he chose to do nothing. He said he was sorry that I felt this way, he promised to speak to someone about it, promised to read the material and do the work but they were empty words, it was another broken promise. He took no action and this became another thing that I nagged him about. After another year of misery, it finally hit home that this was his problem and that if he chose not to address it, it was his decision but I did not have to live this way, I did not have to let his behaviour continue to cause me so much anger and hurt. I had done what I could, I explained how much pain he was causing me, I told him that I believed it may be due to ADHD, I gave him tools to look at and I gave him time but he chose to do nothing. He was willing to lose his marriage and his family rather look into solutions that could save it, for whatever reason, we were not important enough for him to do anything about it. That was a hard message for me to hear and accept as such if there is one piece of advice to give, please do not wait to long to make a decision, do not spend your life hoping he will finally get it and will commit to a change. If they continually make promises but do not follow it up with action, then the situation will not improve, you will only become more frustrated and resentful and they will continue to believe that this has nothing to do with them as you are the one unhappy. I don't like the person I have become as a result of being in this relationship for way to long. I have tried to make this work as I know how much we have to lose but I am the only one working at it. If your partner does get some support and acknowledgethe pain and hurt he has caused you then there may be some hope, but if not, I would run away as fast as possible before he consumes anymore of your life and makes you question your sanity.
I wish I had never married my
Submitted by dvance on
I wish I had never married my DH 23 years ago, but here we are. That aside, I would say be as aggressive in your career as you can. That way you have options-you have power. Many of us were or are financially dependent or at the very least so entangled financially due to the irresponsible nature of our DHs that we feel stuck. Now, we may not ACTUALLY be stuck, but we feel that way. Do not under any circumstances pause your retirement contributions. Do not sacrifice your health or career--sacrifice the marriage. Looking back, there was a window where I could have and should have kicked DH out on his ass but that passed and it's much harder now. Stop looking at your DH as a partner of any kind. Assume he is a problem, an obstacle to work around. Expect nothing. That helps. If you want a break from the kids, hire a sitter or work a trade with other moms. When I was home with our two (they are two years apart), I did babysitting trades with other moms. We got breaks, the kids got people to play with and it cost nothing. If you have a faith community that helps. Churches and synagogues often have moms groups or moms mornings out type things. Use them. You may meet some other moms to be friends with too. Places of worship sometimes have young people that need service hours and can babysit for free or super cheap. Go to mass or temple with the kids. Stay for the hospitality afterwards. I would have DIED in the past 23 years without my church friends. They don't even realize what they did for me. They gave me a structure on the weekends, activities to join, other moms to meet, more friends for my kids. Many times places of worship have a little play room for kids during the service. If you can get your kids to go to that, you get a little breather during the service. As bizarre as it seems, if you can stop walking on eggshells, that helps too. It took me a loooong time to figure this out: my DH is usually moody and out of sorts no matter what, so it really didn't matter what I said or didn't say, so I may as well say whatever I please. Now, do I mean deliberately pick fights or antagonize him? No. But really, our ADHD people are usually upset at someone or something a lot of the time--what we do or don't do doesn't really matter. In my house, if it's not me who put him in a mood, it's some "idiot at work" or someone who cut him off in traffic or the fact that he didn't do something that now came back to bite him. I'm not explaining myself very well--what I am trying to say is don't work so hard censoring yourself. I think I have contributed to the entitled, bratty, spoiled nature of my DH to some degree: I used to tip toe around just like you, which only confirms their belief that they are somehow special and don't have to abide by the same rules and common courtesies that the rest of us do. Many of us baby our ADHD people to keep the peace, thinking that will help, but after 23 years of this, I don't think it actually does help. I think it makes it worse. Again, I am not suggesting that we act like dictators, but the reality is WE do the bulk of the managing, so do it. Don't ask his opinion. If he has one, it will likely change in another couple of days, and he is unlikely to notice or retain most of what you do, so stop asking. Over time I have quit asking my DH what he thinks about pretty much anything. I purchase Christmas and birthday gifts without his input, I make reservations for holidays or birthdays at places I know we will like-why ask about that stuff? Just do it. You will probably end up doing it anyway.
What else? Go out with friends. Take the kids if you have to--meet at the park, at a library story time--there are lots of free activities for kids where you can meet and talk to other moms. I would advise NOT griping about your DH for a few reasons: no one understands unless they live with it and griping about our ADHD people means they are encroaching upon OUR time. I don't talk about my DH at work hardly at all. I don't wear my wedding ring--I have had colleagues tell me they thought I was divorced. That is just fine with me--have a life that ADHD is not a part of. I have found over the years that NOT talking about the bizarre things that DH does help ME not give his terrible behavior more weight than it deserves. We need a break from thinking about them all the time. I hear other women talk about their husbands or their normal marriages and I realize how weird some many of the things that we live with really are. If you need a break, order pizza or take the kids out. If that is not financially possible, kids will happily eat cereal or mac and cheese for dinner and nobody dies. Decide what YOU can live with leaving undone. It could be sheets only get changed every two weeks instead of every week. It could be dusting (who even cares about dusting?!?!?!?). It could be vacuuming. Use paper plates. Everyone has things they can let go and some things they just can't. For me-I MUST vacuum often--schmuzty floors drive me nuts. Making the beds? Could not care less.
I am sorry you are in this position with little ones. I understand how overwhelming being a single parent seems, but consider this: is your DH actually helping you in any real way? Do you want your kids to grow up with a stressed out, crabby mama? seeing a crummy marriage? This is one of the reasons I wish I had left. Now that my boys are 16 and 18, it's a little late to show them a different model of a functional marriage. One thing I notice that I really regret: I, like you, worked SO hard to keep the boat afloat despite DHs weaknesses that the boys now think he is this amazing great dad and why am I so bitchy to him? Of course they think that: he was and still is the fun dad who bucked the rules at every turn, got them out of trouble, did things behind my back that I specifically asked him not to do. I was and still am the person who makes them do their homework, get places on time, get a job (when they got old enough), made them pay back their debts (once my older son broke a pair of my Tiffany earrings. they cost $60 to fix. I insisted the child pay. DH gave him the money to give to me so I would think it came from the child, but really it came from DH. I do not think I have ever been so angry in my life. What a shitty thing to teach a child--he was 16 at the time. Lie to mom, take money you didn't earn, do whatever weasely thing you have to do to get out of something unpleasant). I make them participate in the life of the household now--empty the dishwasher, do laundry, carry in and unload groceries. DH doesn't even ask them to do that stuff. If he does ask, they usually say no to him and he ends up doing whatever he asked them to do. I have told both of them in front of DH that they can say no to dad, that's on him, but they may not say no to me when I ask them to do something or it will cost them their phone or car keys, whatever I am in the mood to take. Here's what I have decided: I don't care if they think Dad is this great fun guy and I am the bitch that makes them do boring things. I care that they learn the right way to act. They may never figure it out, that their dad is kind of a loser, but I don't care about that either. I know I am requiring them to do the right things. That's enough for me.
Reading over this paints a bleak picture-it doesn't have to be that way. Leave now. Make a different life for yourself.
Best Advice dvance
Submitted by jennalemone on
This lays out the best "been there, done that, this is what works" entry that I have read and I agree on every account. I find that this sentence is what is really true although I did not want to accept the truth of it when dvance says:
"it really didn't matter what I said or didn't say, so I may as well say whatever I please. Now, do I mean deliberately pick fights or antagonize him? No. But really, our ADHD people are usually upset at someone or something a lot of the time--what we do or don't do doesn't really matter."
Crying and curling up in my own faith and hope and forgivness and understanding and supporting H did not work for 40 YEARS.....tried that. I really had to take control. I wish I would have learned this early for my sons sake so I could show them the TRUTH of our relationship rather than making things look OK when they really weren't.
Your advice is not bleak. It is strong and in this situation, wise.
Dvance
Submitted by phatmama on
dvance, I just have to tell you I love your no-nonsense, no BS, tell-it-like-it-is presence on this forum. I tend to vacillate between despair and hope and riding that wave is exhausting. You are clearly on the other side of the surf watching the rest of us get dragged under while you shout your warnings loud and clear about what we need to do to save ourselves. Your cynicism/realism speaks strongly to me and I totally get where you are coming from, even though I am not quite there yet (still feel "in love" when things are good and hopeful that things can be somewhat manageable with time). You are the BFF everyone wants and I am so glad you are on here with your candid commentary and articulate rendering of the life choices that got you where you are now. PS--I don't wear my wedding ring either. Haven't for years. When DH asks, I just say my finger is too fat and I don't wear any jewelry (which is true). "Assume he is a problem. An obstacle to be worked around"-- DAMN, YOU WENT THERE!!! R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
It's true that I don't
Submitted by dvance on
It's true that I don't vacillate any more. I used to and I was disappointed every damn time. For a few weeks it will feel like we are on the same page and then something will happen that would remind me that we really do not view the world the same way at all. I am kinda out of patience for BS. Don't get me wrong-I am not happy with how my marriage is--this blows. I would not have chosen this outcome. I will be 48 in October, I look decent, I keep myself up, I like to go out, I like to do things. Our boys are 16 and almost 19--I would have liked to have someone to do things with at this stage of my life, but that is not that way it is. I am lonely as hell, but don't know what to do about that right now. I do get soft every once in a while but I grit my teeth and try to gut it out--remind myself that certain parts of my life are over--sex, affection, tenderness, companionship--at least with this man. Who knows what will happen in the future. Right now I cannot support myself on my salary, so that limits my choices. You are 100% correct that I made choices in my life that got me where I am now. It's not all bad I guess. We have three cars and only one payment, we live in a city I love two blocks from Lake Michigan, I can pay all the bills on time, I love my job, I have great friends and my boys are doing okay. Outwardly, we look pretty good. I wish I had the kind of partner that I could bounce things off of--it's been a hell of a two weeks at work--I have cried more in the last two weeks than in the entire year before that!--and I never say a word at home. I am actually applying for two new positions that would be huge game changers for me financially. Haven't said a word to DH. I saw a therapist for YEARS who was so helpful. She was all about maintaining the relationship over being RIGHT, whether the relationship was between me and my sons, me and a colleague, me and DH, anyone really. That mindset has helped me let a lot of things go. When DH says or does something bizarre, who cares? Why make an issue of it? My DH is pretty committed to being difficult, so very little I say or do is going to un-stick him. He has told me on many occasions "I have to do what is right for me and if that hurts your feelings then too bad". Great-thanks. At least I know where he is coming from. Please don't think any of this was easy. I would say in the past 6 years is when I let most of this stuff go. I'm not explaining this very well. I don't want anyone to think that I am this cold hearted bitch that stomps around my house running the show without taking the rest of my family into consideration. That's not true. I care very deeply for my sons-they are hard kids for many reasons, but I do love them and really wish I had shown them a different kind of marriage. I understand why I picked this kind of man so many years ago and why I was appealing to him at the time we got married. Considering the families we both came from, we did pretty well. It's been super painful to let these expectations go but I just cannot live in un-reality like he does. I just can't. I would rather have bad news straight up and deal with it than pussy foot around pretending or ignoring something. But you could argue that me staying in this unsatisfying marriage is living in unreality too. Look-bottom line-we are all just mucking around trying to do the best we can. It is very quiet in my house because there is very little I care enough to get worked up about. Is that a good thing? Who knows. I heard a therapist say once that when couples are still fighting there is a chance for them. It's when the fighting stops that he knows it's over. That makes sense to me. I know that I cannot participate in DHs constant chaos, mental or actual and I cannot be worked up all the time because of his bizarre behavior and choices and worldview. He is a total martyr about everything. I used to feel super guilty if I came home from a long work day and didn't fold laundry or something but he did. I don't feel guilty any more. Laundry isn't going anywhere, nobody ever died from unfolded laundry, but he will often come home after working a 10 hour day and huff and puff and still go to fold a whole basket of laundry, making a big production out of it. Knock yourself out-I'm going to read my book. That is just one small example, but the martyr game is very strong with him and I do not indulge it.
Final thought--I know there are some husbands on here with ADHD wives, but it seems like the majority of us are women trying to cope with ADHD husbands. I have a rabid feminist streak a mile wide and if I really got going I could be steaming mad that the bulk of the changing is done by women and I am just fed up with that. I just don't get it. So much of male ADHD behavior looks like extreme 1950s husband behavior to me--expecting the little woman to cook and clean and work around them and MAN that makes me mad. Why do we put up with that??? I include myself in that we--if someone would have told my 24 year old self what kind of BS I would swallow in the interest of keeping the peace, I would never have believed it AND I would have been angry at that person. Now that I have been living with it for 23+ years, some days I think I sold out and some days I think I grew up and realized you just can't fight about everything, it's not necessary or helpful to anyone, least of all me because the other person doesn't care. I wish those of us that do not have the ADHD trusted ourselves more, believed in ourselves more, valued ourselves more because we are doing WAY more to keep our families afloat than marriages with two regular people. I wish we weren't so shaken up by the bizarre behaviors of people who are driven by selfishness, not loving kindness. We are not both playing the same game by the same rules. I wish WE didn't get our feelings hurt by the ADHD people because so much of what they do isn't personal, it's just how they operate--if it wasn't us they were ignoring it would be some other poor sap that got sucked in!! I feel bad for the amount of mental energy WE spend on them, feeling badly about ourselves, energy that could be spent doing things we like, things that make us feel good about ourselves, not used or cheated or bad. I resent the fact that WE end up feeling poorly about ourselves because THEY don't care enough to manage their condition such that they could function better and cause those around them less grief/stress. That's not fair.
I appreciate everyone on here--keep the faith! Stay strong! As a dear friend tells me at the end of every phone call or email: UP NOBLE SOUL!
dv
dvance
Submitted by wwjdidk on
Sincerely appreciate your posts on this thread. While all of the facts are not the same between our marriages, the similarities are scary. I am the male adhd spouse. I posted on here a little while ago basically asking when we should throw in the towel-not out of a desire to, but out of a desire to save us both from this mess. You mentioned this fictional 50's version of marriage and that hit home, though it's so very strange and hard to explain. I was raised by my mother. I did all kinds of housework-everything there was to do except bathrooms-my mom did that. That continued into adulthood and with my spouse but slowly moved from a 50/50 to 95/5 my wife. At one point i told her i had worked hard enough and done enough in my lifetime that housework was nothing i would continue. Needless to say, that was and is a very hard moment to come back from or forget (there's many others just as bad though). I do not think, nor have i ever, that it was my wife's job to clean the house or cook my meals but saying what i said doesn't leave a rational person anything left to assume does it? (i do pay for a cleaning service but it's not often enough and they don't do a proper job anyways lol). My reluctance to engage in anything-my marriage, my kids, my home, etc at my worst can not really send anyone without adhd a different message than "I'm self centered" "i'm a narcissist" "I'm covert aggressive" "I'm chauvinistic" and many more. I am extremely lucky that i have managed to remain successful professionally and our finances are not an issue. But her finances are-not because she isn't financially responsible-she is far my superior-while a professional herself, she gave up a full time job for part time for our kids. She still has financial obligations in the house (she does all the groceries etc) and she usually looks after all the kids stuff. Without knowing or understanding how and why i managed to do it-i left her living paycheck to paycheck and afraid or ashamed to come to me for $. It shames me. It makes me sick because i know the feeling-i felt inadequate when we first moved in together and she made more than i, yet i tried to pay for everything a "man" should-it was stressful. I have since made improvements in that area to insure she doesn't have that holding her back. While our lifestyle and our children's lifestyle would take a hit with a divorce, money isn't holding my wife there-it's the kids first and us second. I can appreciate everything you wrote and i find myself wondering if i should show it to my wife. After all, it was my desire for her and our happiness and current despair that initially brought me to these forums. I do sincerely fear that a step forward and step back pattern could follow us for years to come and i just don't want that for her or our children. Couple of other thoughts about your post-your children, unless having adhd themselves will know and understand everything in time-we may all love our parents but as we age we come to understand what and who they really are, faults included. You mentioned getting sucked in by your husband and while my wife hasn't said this exactly, i'm sure she must feel it. Funny-i feel the opposite! I was sucked in by my wife. I was so infatuated with her and she was my obsession until she wasn't. That's what is so shitty about this-how it starts and then just stops on a dime and then gets infinitely worse as you don't know wtf is going on. For years, all i wanted was for my wife to have more friends, more hobbies and interests so she wouldn't encroach on mine or my pursuits. I never loved her any less, she just didn't give me what i was looking for, what i thought or felt i needed. All that did was make her pull back from everything desperately trying to connect with me and i fought every step of the way, and still do, to some degree i guess. I obviously haven't been able to manage adhd yet, and am very early on in a process to try and change so many bad habits and thought processes. It is terrible to realize what you think and feel are a direct contradiction to your actions and words. ADHD people make for great short term relationships in my estimation, not marriages.