Okay, this is on my mind a lot lately--what is the difference between accepting who DH is and just giving in/up?? I suspect it's more in the spirit of the thing than the actual way it plays out, but please offer some thoughts. Here is what I think about: if DH rarely pays attention or remembers things I tell him, why bother to tell him? I set up a Google family calendar--DH and I are on it plus both boys. I put EVERYTHING on it--I mean EVERYTHING. He does not check it regularly and has never put anything on it. A few times I have scheduled something and put it on the calendar and he tells me some conflict that he "forgot" to put on there. Well, okay--I cannot make him use it and just because it is useful for me does not mean it is useful for him (acceptance) BUT then how are we supposed to keep 4 schedules straight?? Another example--one of our family's favorite restaurants, literally around the corner from our apartment, closed abruptly and unexpectedly. I told him about it last week--like came home and announced this to everyone in a shocked voice. He answered me--concurred with my shock and bummed-ness. This morning he says to me--HEY--did you know Dave's closed?!?!?! I did NOT point out that he heard that from me, instead I said I heard--so bummed!!! And left it at that. So I accept that he either did not really pay attention when I told him last week, accept that really who cares--it was a nothing bit of trivia, and I have nothing to gain by making him feel small that I told him last week and move on OR resign myself to the fact that he doesn't listen or retain, so why tell him stuff? Another example--we are having a pretty hard time in our marriage right now (really for the past 4 years) and Thursday night I was stuck at work way longer than I hoped to be. I texted him that I missed him and the way we used to be. Got no response, either by text or any time since. When I walked in the door about an hour after I sent that text, he said nothing. Still hasn't. I asked him tonight if he received it and he said yes, I answered you. I said no you didn't. He said Oh, I thought I did. And walked away. So again--why bother sending texts? That is what usually happens--texts are answered sporadically if at all. At what point does acceptance tip over into giving up? If you reach out so many times in so many different ways and get inconsistent or unsatisfying responses, how long until you stop trying? And is that accepting that DH just cannot respond to things in any meaningful way so why set him up and then be disappointed myself OR is that giving up? I have been told by him for the past 4 years that he is a grown up and he can do whatever he wants. So I have finally gotten that fact through my head and I don't ask what he is doing or feeling or pretty much anything--when I ask questions he says I am interrogating him. So accept that he cannot handle questions, no matter how neutral or give up and just not know stuff?? We had a 30 minute phone conference with our 17 year old son's counselor (he is in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction) and it was a good conversation but pretty loaded too and when we hung up the phone, he just went back to work. Literally NOTHING about the content of the call. Well, okay--I happened to be off and he worked from home today, so he did have things to get back to so I asked after dinner what he thought of the call. He thought the counselor made some good points. That's it. I just cannot win--if I talk/ask questions, he feels flooded/interrogated, if I keep very quiet he says I am being withdrawn. Um, you can't have it both ways. How am I supposed to guess when you can handle what? and for how long? and under what circumstances? I no longer ask DH for his opinion on anything--he overreacts terribly and it's not helpful. He and DS ordered something on Amazon for DS's girlfriend's birthday which is Sunday. It arrived broken, but it was possible to glue--it's a picture frame with a little heart on the corner--easy enough to glue back on OR return it and go buy something at a store. DH came up from getting the mail and threw the box on the ground just LIVID that it was broken and they would not have time to have another one sent by Sunday. Um, buy something at a store and don't sweat it. He tells me just forget it--you always have a better plan than I do. I almost laughed--NO, that would be you. I offer virtually NOTHING because I know you don't listen anyway.
Sorry--I am all over the place lately. It's been a tough few weeks. I am so lonely and unhappy and worried about my oldest son and his recovery. I am just wrung out. Today I had off school and I literally slept all day. Got up at 10am, ate breakfast, had this 11am conference call and went back to bed. Literally until 5:30 tonight. And I could have kept sleeping. Am I avoiding my life?? Darn right I am!!!! The only item on my bucket list is to live alone in a studio apartment decorated in all white. Alone. By myself. Alone. I could come home after work on Friday and not speak to another living soul until Monday if I wanted to. I could live on oatmeal and peanut butter toast. Alone.
any thoughts about the acceptance v giving up??