I've read about a tendency of people with add to be shut down in the area of sexual intimacy... because of distraction, I guess?
Or maybe it depends more on what other conditions are comorbid with the add?
And, of course, each person is an individual, so there's alot of variation. My husband, e.g., does not have issues with erratic driving. He also wants sex and is highly offended if I do not. He's hurt by my lack of pursuit of him and initiation. I know that is also a common theme. I also know there's a seed of truth in his complaint. I'm just not sure what to do about it, since I am not sure how to even build even the small amount of emotional intimacy which might open the door to more. I guess we could talk about sex more often. He definitely listened well during that discussion. Argh. He can SO tune in when it suits him. Any thoughts/ideas?
What are we really battling?
Submitted by c ur self on
I was married to my late wife for 30 years before she went to be with Jesus at age 49... and my present wife and I have been married 6 years...If I've ever denied either of them affection and due benevolence, I do not recall it....So, you say; c ur self...that's nice, but you are a man and we all know it's physical for you...but, as a woman it's more emotional for us...And, since I've had that point made extremely clear over my years of marriage, I do understand it.
So where does that leave us?....Can we at this point say the women's physiological state can over ride due benevolence, if she isn't at peace emotionally? Should we interject right here that if I am a loving, caring husband I recognize when to ignore my desires, for the betterment of the relationship? There are the no brainer's where love takes over and physical desires are ignored...like sickness, periods etc...There are also special circumstances' where unreleased emotional pain has clouded the beauty of marital intercourse due to rape's and abuses that touch's many lives. But at what point is due benevolence abandoned and the women is using her vagina as a tool for control? I know you would never do that, but sadly it happens.
If I shutdown sexually, if that could be possible and it happens from emotions, rather than nature...I would say, I am either deeply hurting, or my heart has gotten very cold and hard or both.
I agree with you, I think you should talk about it....If I were you and your husband's therapist :)....With what I know about add/adhd and it's effects in the bedroom, distractions etc....I would ask y'all to just make a plan to be alone and have sex....I would ask you to do one thing....Once you start being intimate that there is to be no communication verbally at all unless there is an emergency....No talking, just pleasure...This no talking should last until both of you are satisfied and maybe even until you are dressed. Then I would say you should have a date night as often as possible for starters:)
Thank you, c ur self
Submitted by Standing on
We talked about it before I posted here. That was the first time I've broached the subject and not taken offense or felt wounded by his responses. I didn't take it personally. It was weird to discuss something so intimate in such a detached way. I did not attach blame for the issue onto either one of us - not my husband and not myself! I took the "it was what it was" view, along with an outlook of "it could be what we, together, make of it". I do not feel responsible for the outcome, but I do feel like a participant. There is so much tangled up into this, as you know. It is not something about which I have ever spoken with anyone, but as my own attitudes change, I find myself interesting in sorting it.
I never learned how to do emotional intimacy with adults. My mother was cold and stiff. My marriages have been dysfunctional and immature. My current husband is up and down and all over the place. Early on in our 10 years together, I felt bad about myself for not feeling eager to meet his "needs". I vaguely remember shouldering the blame myself and chalking it up to menopause. Recently, he has tossed that into the mix by recalling that he suggested I go to the doc for some sort of treatment - hormone replacement or something - and I had said no, I'd handle it naturally. He quotes me as having said, "this is the way God made me" as an excuse for not treating it. Well, "It" was not the problem in the first place, I don't think. The lack of emotional connection was the problem, but I was so starved for that for a lifetime that I did not recognize it, and rather than hurt my husband's feelings, I took the burden and he let me. Yeah, it was what it was. The rest has simply become an established pattern.
Everything you wrote is correct, I believe, c ur self. One thing that gives me hope is the same thing that so turned me off previously - I CAN talk with my husband about sex. He is interested and listens. Now I see that as a positive, rather than something that detracts and degrades me. And he is not the only one who gains emotional intimacy through such talk (and I mean talking about the topic, not speaking in a sexualized manner). I actually felt closer to him myself, although I did not express any of my own feelings on the topic in the first discussion. All that happened was that I received his input, willingly, and it made sense. Apart from all the rest of the issues, I got it.
So - there is alot more to it and this is a scattery jumbled post, but I must go to the grocery store haha. Just wanted to say Thanks for helping me to let in some fresh air on this topic!
I'm sure you know all this, but, just a reminder....
Submitted by c ur self on
One other itty bitsy point ;) Please expect his hopes to be up, the conversation you had would have gotten my hopes up. Us human are like animals...we are created with 3 distinct drives....territorial, self preservation, and procreation....The one difference of course is a mind that is offered the ability to reason. When I was young 20 and first married, if my wife and I was changing in the bedroom....She would turn from me when she ripped off her bra...the site of her nakedness would cause me to grab her and we would fall across the bed laughing....Animal? yes of course...But, If I ignored her, if I intentionally looked past her, pretended my instincts to touch and hold her in those moments weren't there, she was emotionally bothered, she was concerned. So my point is don't over think us males....We're really quiet simple...Animal's Yes, But were your animals....By reason:)....One other thing we all need Grace and forgiveness, because some times your animal isn't the greatest at reasoning....Esp...when our procreation juices are flowing....Have a blessed Saturday:)
AND ROLL TIDE!
lol
Submitted by Standing on
umm... okay.... yep, got it, I need all the help I can get and appreciate your... ermm... manly bluntness. Thanks, brother. lol More when I have more words :) lol
c ur self: what if they don't respond
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I totally agree with what you said about talking to your spouse about sex, and how it makes us feel. I have a problem with my spouse, and that he won't respond when I ask him questions about our sex life. Years ago, when I tried this......very carefully, kindly, genuinely concerned and willing to do ANYTHING to help us connect, was met with hostility and deflection. His statement back to me was always this....."I can't quit my job to give you hugs and kisses and attention, (sex) 24/7, SOMEBODY HAS TO WORK AROUND HERE. (in a very angry tone) He said this to a wife who was working WAY more than I ever SHOULD have been, and doing everything in the house and yard at the same time, but because he was being the "provider", he couldn't seem to do much more than THAT. But, he wouldn't even open a dialogue about why he pushed me away so much. No answers, no explainations, no suggestions for help. NOTHING.....he would just try and shut me down any way he could. But, yet on the RARE occasions HE wanted sex, he had to have it. Even if I was sound asleep, he'd wake me up already "in the process". It felt demeaning and very disrespectful of my needs and wishes. It was too hard for me to comprehend, and it hurt me immensely. I felt so worthless as a woman, and he's made NO EFFORT to say anything to help change that view for me. He's just felt sympathy for himself for not getting is "when HE needs it". Well, sex works both ways, even Biblically. to deny your spouse sex to me, is just cruel, especially when you seem to have no good reason for doing it.
We are roomates now, haven't had sex in YEARS, but that seems to be okay with him, and he's never said anything different. So, you know I worry about him finding another woman to have an affair with to justify his "needs". He definetely NEEDS HELP, but when we went for sexual help, he wasn't truthful to the doctor. He kept blaming it on anything and everything, Job stress, family stress, whatever, but wouldn't tell the counselor what was going on INSIDE HIS MIND, AND HIS FEELINGS. How did he FEEL about sex. Did he LIKE it? did he WANT it? Did he want to PLEASE his wife? NOTHING.....just NOTHING.
The only way I've been able to survive is to shut down that part of my body, and deny all sexual feelings, because I know it's something he won't share with me. 'It's a lousy way to live a married life, because you don't feel CONNECTED to your mate in the typical sexual-spiritual-connection like NO OTHER. He's denied himself this wonderful experience,for himself AND for me, and it hurts my heart. I've always viewed sex as the ultimate expression of love in a physical, emotional but VERY spiritual way. And I want nothing more than to make him feel loved in this way as well. I wish he felt the same, but I guess he doesn't.
I wish I had some answers.
I feel your pain...
Submitted by c ur self on
The more I see and hear of people and their actions the more I realize what a mess we can become, and how easy it is for us to miss the beauty of experiencing God's plan for us to be one flesh.
Reading your post is hurtful; There could be many things causing him to show no desire for intimacy. But, the saddest part for you both is his unwillingness or inability to confront it. But, isn't that the case so many times.
Based on what you have said here concerning his refusal to divulge anything to the counselor or you for such a long period...I would say it was one of two things....It is something so personal he feels it would destroy the way you view him as a man. Or it so hurtful he has put it so far into the recesses of his own awareness, he refuses to relive it, or is incapable of recalling it.
My first wife was cold to the idea, of physical contact most of our lives together, I new something was wrong. I would question her and try and get her to talk about it. I would tell her this isn't normal why are you this way? She would just dodge the questions and if I pressed her she would get emotional...So, I would feel bad for pressuring her and let it go....When she was in her mid-forties, she woke me up in the middle of the night, shaking and crying uncontrollably, she had recalled, being raped by her brother in law and his brother at the age of 14 while spending the night with her 24 year old married sister...All she told me is she fought with the brother when he came in and then she remembered getting out of bed and crying and saying to herself, that didn't happen, that didn't happen...
She is with Jesus now:)
I will pray for y'all Dede
dedelight,
Submitted by Standing on
I'm so sorry he's hurting you in this way. The radio counseling program I listen to daily would say that he likely is using pornography. Apparently, some huge percentage of people do. It's described as an addiction. Whatever the reasons may be, I hope that you know it is HIS problem, not yours.
The way my husband always put
Submitted by lauren07 on
The way my husband always put his sexual needs above everything else, is a big reason for our failed marriage.
Lauren, how so?
Submitted by Standing on
Do you mean that he was unfaithful?
I have been using some direct talk here, asking how much, suggesting scheduling it. My outlook is - hey, i am tired of having this thrown in my face! Better to get it out into the open air. May not be too romantic, but after 10 years, I will sacrifice alot for clarity. Apparently my dear one has felt far more deprived over the years than i ever realized, so i am out to remove that stumbling block from his path. I hopw.
No, he wasn't unfaithful. But
Submitted by lauren07 on
No, he wasn't unfaithful. But I don't think a women on bedrest that cries for fear of losing the baby should be pestered to absolute death for sex. Every few days wasn't enough for him. I'm very angry about it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lauren
Submitted by Standing on
That must have felt awful, to be so... devalued. I'm sorry you experienced that! I'm guessing that he could not keep track of the actual reason why you were in bed (rest!) and was only able to associate it with one thing, but what do I know.
Seems that when sex comes to the mind of my husband, and he gets rebuffed, then the idea takes on that "always/never" quality, because he has no sense of time (let alone a sense of "other"). Without a natural inclination toward empathy, I can see how his deprivation becomes a monumental obsession in his mind... and in my own! I start to resent the pressure I feel within myself and pretty soon I've dug in my heels and days have passed. That's what I'm working on remedying... from my own perspective.
That sounds like a perfectly
Submitted by lauren07 on
That sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to that kind of pressure.