When the ADHD spouse is happy and very successful and non-ADHD spouse is getting sick

I have been with my ADHD spouse 22 years (since I was 18).  I had emotional and physical abuse issues from childhood.  When we dated 5 years he seemed very safe, happy, and successful.  His family seemed like a very quirky, happy family.  Although there was divorce, affairs, gambling, drinking, and job loss in his immediate family.  My husband now was overwhelmingly attentive, which I saw as love.  However, I did get "gut feelings" that something wasn't right.  He was extremely involved in sports and we stopped everything for games.  He underestimated his time spent watching sports.  He also spent time with his buddies with no regard for me or "dragging me along".  All of this I thought would be different when we got married.  We relocated after college.  We got married.  I immediately got the sense that he "moved on" and work was #1.  My job was of no interest to him.   And I did all housework.  If we met with friends he fell asleep on their couch midway through the party.  So I often went home alone and said, just send him.  He worked really long hours and I attributed it to work.  I started being jealous of other couples but wasn't really sure what I was missing.  I always wanted children and at 25 we tried starting a family.  It took 6 months, pregnant and miscarried.  Then it took 1 year and miscarried at 12 weeks.  Then fertility evaluation, 4 years later had a son.  After son realized that husband was not reliable and couldn't help with childcare. But he was successful and I was able to stay at home with my son.  Additionally, I was very supportive of his work and entertained his clients often.  When I was pregnant, husband had to sleep in the guest room because I "kept him up" and stayed there since I breastfed.  Husband has never slept well.  To this day, we don't share a bedroom and our sex life is jokingly referred to as "booty calls".    Moved to another state for work.  The problems with his friends continued after I had my son, he chose his friends over helping me.  Then I had a second child.  My fertility work included high risk pregnancy with 2 shots a day in my stomach 2 times a day and infusions 1 time a month.  I didn't have any help from any family. Husband wanted to move into bigger house.  House needed work.  Which caused further distraction.  The house projects took forever and weren't planned in any order that made sense, so they took a lot of time.  At this point, I was starting to vent to family and old friends.  I was told "all I do is bitch" and lost those relationships.  Also, after I had my 1st child, my mother in law started blurting things out at me that were rude regarding my kids.  I thought my husband would stand up for me and he didn't.  So the in law relationship is very eroded.  My mother in law and father in law watched my son 1 time when I had a fertility treatment and they drove him on the highway with no carseat to go out to lunch.  He was 1 year old.  I was horrified.  My mother in law also reacts to msg and my neice and nephew are "allergic" to red food coloring which I noticed mentioned on "web md" as being things people with adhd people should avoid.  My husband's grandmother used to blurt things out, drive over lawns, gamble a lot.  Then, Husband's work seemed to ease up a bit.  I started anti depressant meds when children were 1 and 3.  I was very overwhelmed and sad.  Husband began study of theology at a college, mission work, and teaching sunday school (all at once).  I thought helping others would help and helped a refugee family, worked at a food pantry, taught scouts.  I was very stressed out.  I started drinking (only wine).  We adopted a daughter from another country (since I had fertility issues).  Things got quite a bit worse with 3 kids.  I focused on getting daughter healthy and then a year later started drinking from 12 am is-3 am ish some nights.  Combined with increased medication.  I also gained 25 lbs.  My skin started breaking out in cystic acne on my face and back.  My friend relationships eroded since I vented a lot to friends and neighbors.  Husband looked successful and great to everyone.  Dog got run over, I had to juggle getting run-over dog to vet with small children.  Then 2 years later put dog to sleep with out husband (he said he couldn't leave work). He makes a lot of money.  I had 1 sitter who helped out (she was highschool).  Then moved to 3rd state for work.  He is even more successful.  I had already lost all my friends, so I agreed to move.  My main concern has always been the kids who are very socially adapted and skilled at school and hobbies.  I have really over-compensated.  Once kids are older, husband is attentive to them.  He likes to be the "fun one" and I am the "depressed one".  Couldn't leave him with young children since he wouldn't feed them and was inconsistent with care.  All this time, I had been in counseling and medicated.  Being blamed for our problems and then judged religiously.  Husband threatened divorce and taking custody of kids several times and then seemed to forget he had threatened me.  I had dropped all of my extracurricular activities the other moms were doing since I often was late or missed it because husband didn't come home.  Reluctant to make friends in new state since I will just lose them or be judged by them.  So very isolated.  Youngest in preschool 2 days a week, but I spend that free time at my doctors offices from my health problems that have developed.  I have anxiety panic attacks at night.  I have cut drinking by 75% and gotten on better medication without being overmedicated.  Told some neighbors and a few new friends/bible study of my problems.  Husband finally agreed to see marriage counselor but brought in research about my depression.  We both took a year long "life skills" course.  I was stating to think I had a demonic presence trying to kill me since I feel so "dark".  I know satan's goal is to destroy families through divorce.  I am praying a lot.  At this point he somehow found this ADHD book and it explains everything.  I am very angry and don't feel any love toward husband.  I also had become very independent of him by necessity which he doesn't like.  At this point I want out, but I don't want to destroy my kids.  They see him as the healthy one.  I had a bright light 22 years ago.  I had conquered over abuse and gotten a degree and "gotten away".  Only to jump into the arms of someone with ADHD.  It has made my dreams of having a family a nightmare.  I have a jealousy problem from watching other families have the relationship I don't have.  I have conquered fertiltiy treatment.  I went "all-in" as a stay-at-home mom.  I have ended up with no career, an outdated diploma, no relationships, cystic acne, depression and crippling anxiety.  The only up side is my kids are healthy and seem happy.  They have good friendships and like school.  I don't see ADHD traits in them.  My husband and I don't argue, the kids know we are trying to get help for our problems.  But I am very disconnected to my husband to protect myself.  He is very successful at work and his interests.  He wants to lead a life of adventure (often taking the older kids and leaving me behind with the youngest).  I don't want a life of adventure, I would rather have a relationship.  He tells me how much he loves me.  I don't love him anymore.  I am getting sicker.  Doesn't it make sense that he find someone he can have adventure with and I can heal and move on?  And we can help our kids recover from divorce?  I wouldn't be with him if we didn't have kids.  Advice is welcomed!