When a couple stays married for the kids

Hello. I'm new here but not new to the many problems of an ADD marriage. I've been married for a long time and like many of you have tried to tackle my marriage problems for many years. About 8 years ago, we went through marriage counseling, briefly. I came to the incorrect conclusion that ADD behaviors could not be changed, so I was just going to have to live with those behaviors. Fast forward 8 years later and many Drug/mental health counseling sessions later, and my hope for my marriage is dead. This after trying to raise an ADD child who turned to drugs and crime. The last 8 years has been spent trying to save him, which hasn't, and destroyed my self esteem and my marriage. What happens to the ACOA (me) and the ADD who have a drug addicted child? Complete distruction of trust in a marriage and a decision on my part that separation is the best answer. When it comes to establishing boundaries with a drug addict, how can a ACOA and a ADD parent ever agree? He wakes up as if nothing happened, and I wake up fearing for my safety. After many years, it leaves you in a big black hole of lonliness. Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts.
hockeymom11's picture

I agree with the big black hole

I can't comment on the drug addiction part, but I agree that with some people the ADD behavior cannot/will not be changed.  I have started the divorce process with my ADHD spouse and finally feel I am moving in the right direction.  He does nothing but play video games, ignores the kids, the chores, the work and me (for many years).  I just can't live like this any more.  We are using a divorce mediator to try and keep things civil and easier (if it can be!) for the kids.  My oldest has ADHD and although not old enough now, I REALLY worry about him getting in with the wrong "group" of kids. 

I think your drug addicted child (if an adult) needs to start taking care of his own problems (with suggestions from you), but you can't "fix him" either.  From the support meetings I've been to with parents with severly addicted/affected kids:  you can just stand aside and watch them make their mistakes.

YOu should get help for yourself.  If you are in the US:  NAMI is a great support group.  Let your ADD husband "fix" himself too.  You need to focus on your health (and sanity!).

For too long I gave up myself to try and "fix" my husband only to end up angry, resentful and alone.  I'm choosing to leave that life and move forward with my kids.

GOod luck and take care