When the court system becomes involved....

Hi Everyone...

I apologize in advance if my post becomes a little lengthy.  I just want to give a full depiction of my situation and see if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any insight or advice, as I most certainly could use it right now.  The past few days (since Sunday) have been the worst in my entire life......

Let me start from the beginning.  I am a non-ADHD woman who was with an ADHD man up until this past Sunday night.  In addition to ADHD he was also diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and generalized anxiety issues.  Over time he has taken Vyvanse and Strattera, in addition to Depakote and Wellbutrin as well as Vistaril as needed.  We have been dating for 2 and a half years, off and on and he moved from his life in Missouri to be with me in Maryland in 2010.  Our relationship had been very tumultuous, as we have dealt with issues of infidelity, anger, mistrust and lying, and many of the normal ADHD struggles such as equality in household responsibilities and communication.  My former ADHD partner was very argumentative, and before he started receiving treatment (therapy in addition to medication), he would scream and yell at me.  This is the one thing that has improved over time.  However, he dealt with many issues of feeling like he was not being "listened to", although I always affirmed that I was listening, or he felt like he was being "blamed" when I would simply state how I felt about something that had happened.  I have learned over time to not say "you did this", or I tried my very best not to.  Instead, I have trained myself to speak more about how something has made me feel versus what he had done so as to not make him feel the "blame".  However, this still made him feel guilt, and instead of listening to my feelings and taking responsibility, he always got angry and things went in a downward spiral from there.  Of course, if he had missed doses of his medication, or if he was in a "depressed" state, this scenario became inherently worse.

Towards the end of last year, he lost his job and it seems as though everything has been in a downward spiral since then.  He obtained another job that lasted for a month, but, it didn't work out because it just wasn't a good "fit".  I understood that....but it seemed as though he had trouble controlling his frustrations and anger.  His schedule was out of whack and he was staying up very late at night (lack of sleep being a bad thing), and I suspected he had stopped taking his meds - primarily the Depakote to stabilize his moods.  I started counting his pills, and determined that he was missing at least 2-3 doses a week for the whole month of December.  Additionally, for the last part of December and into January, he had not taken any ADHD meds, as he was in the process of switching from Vyvanse to Strattera and was taking urinalysis tests for work and did not want the Vyvanse to show up.  It was irresponsible on his part, and I urged him to put reminders in his phone for his Depakote since he was "off schedule" due to not working...he always resisted though.  When I asked him about taking his meds, he told me he had been taking them, although I knew he had lied.  I even asked while in a therapist appointment, hoping he would tell the truth.

This past weekend, we had an amazing Friday night.  I had been extremely stressed out with work, and he was very generous and made a great meal for us, complete with wine and we relaxed together.  The next morning when he woke up; however, it was as if he was a totally different man.  He was argumentative about anything and everything.  Things became my fault.  I became the one that had "issues".  This has been a common theme in our relationship when he has struggled without medication - the "blame game" as I call it.  When he feels badly, he wants to find something to fault me with.  When he "comes to", he apologizes and is extremely nice again.  I do see it as a cycle, and have always considered it like a form of abuse.  This past Sunday, however, the abuse was affirmed when the arguing got out of control.  I asked him again about his meds, after counting more pills and seeing a more consistent pattern of missed doses. I pointed out to him on the calendar where I'd counted his missed doses and he got extremely aggitated and started yelling and screaming, just as he used to.  At this point, I could certainly tell he was unmedicated, as he was just as he was prior to meds and receiving therapy.  I told him that I wanted him to leave, permanently, and that did not go over so well.  At the end of the night, he ended up being arrested for assaulting me.  It was all a whirlwind in how it happened.  I don't understand how things got there.  I never in my life imagined that things would end up that way.

I was very angry right after it happened.  I was glad that he got locked up in jail for what he did to me (nothing very serious, but enough to scare me).  I can only hope that it's enough to scare him too and to help him further in bettering himself.  Since then, I have a mixed bag of emotions.  I am sad sometimes.  Sometimes I am somewhat happy, as I feel like I can somewhat re-build my life to what it was before our relationship (order in my house, getting things done "for me").  On the other hand, there is the part of me that still wants to help him, as I have for the past year plus.....although I know that i cannot, due to protection orders.  I know that he is staying in state versus moving back "home" to Missouri, which I think will help him to continue his journey in making himself a better person. 

What I'm wondering is, has anyone else been through something as serious as this?  And, if you have, do you have any advice to offer?  I know that it gets better from here....and I know that I have many agencies that I need to reach out to for support and counseling, which I plan on doing.  I'm also wondering.....as crazy as it may seem....is there hope for him?  I know he is a very sick individual....and I'm a cautiously optimistic person....I'd like to think that people can change, and this has not been a theme in our relationship.....so, I'm curious.  I hope you all dont think I'm crazy....just curious.

Thanks in advance!

M

No experience, but

I have no experience with something "as serious as this", as you describe it, but just wanted to point out a few of the comments you made that struck me rather forcefully.  1.  there is the part of me that still wants to help him.  I think a person can "help" their children, whether they want us to or not, but a grown adult needs to be doing his share before you can help.  Otherwise it's a parenting relationship, and not healthy for you.    2.  I was glad that he got locked up in jail for what he did to me (nothing very serious, but enough to scare me).  It's just my point of view, but in general, people don't get locked up in jail for nothing very serious.  You may be glad it was not more serious, or feel like you dodged a major assault of some sort, but plenty of people, even in crappy relationships, go their whole lives without things sliding that low.  Is there hope for him?  Of course there is.  As long as people are alive, there is hope for them.  But be hopeful for him from a distance.  Don't confuse wanting good things for him with you having to provide them.  Let's keep hoping that the last few days were the worst of your life and won't be repeated.  I, too, think people can change.  But I am absolutely positive we can't change people.  "Anger, infidelity, mistrust and lying" aren't a great basis for a relationship.  It's hard enough without all that, too.   My only struggles are inattention, procrastination, overspending and did I mention inattention?

The whole medication thing?  Not your job.  Occasionally my ADHD guy has asked me to help him remember a course of antibiotics or something.  (He is getting no ADHD treatment)  And I agreed.  We put the bottle next to the coffee maker and he'd take it and I'd notice and that was it.  It was like if he knew I was going to remind or ask him, it was all the reminder he needed.  I don't blame you for counting pills, in order to know the facts of his being unmedicated.  But he has to take them or not.  I'm not saying the fight was your fault for talking about the medication... yelling and screaming at a supposed love one makes no sense to me.  But you took on more than you needed to and hoped he'd say, yeah, you're right, don't know what I was thinking, I'll get right back on them, thanks honey.  I know you're not crazy, but living crazy can sure make us feel that way sometimes...  Best wishes.