When to end the marraige if ADHDer won't get help

I am new to this site and feel like I just found the world's most perfect support group.  I have never even blogged or chatted before, but I am desperate.  14 years together, my ADHD husband has a good, kind heart, and we still love each other, but it has just become too much.  His denial would probably be the worst part.  Every single thing I have read on here hits home.  Horrible money problems, career problems, personal relationships, self-confidence problems, defensiveness to the point of horrible (impulsive) anger, withdrawal,- then on my part, playing the "mother" role, criticizing, doing things FOR him, completely taking over, no trust, and have lost all respect, I could go on and on.  I have done 3 years of counseling, read all the codependancy books, tried to remain "hands off" and really tried to change and be a better person.  The woman I was becoming was a nasty, vile, anxiety ridden, mean person.  Then when I finally asked him to leave because of his habit of "omitting" important information that got us into trouble, the depression set in.  That was one year ago, and he is no further.  He has begged and sobbed and wants to get a grip on this ADHD, but now the depression of losing his job, home, family, has him paralyzed.  I am just sick.  This is a GOOD person who wants to do better, but doesn't know where to start.  Everytime I think, just divorce him, it doesnt seem to change the fact that I still love him.  No drugs, no alchoholism, no cheating, just ADHD, and an unsupportive family (his family).  In many ways he was a great husband and father (emotionally) but he withdrew into a shell as his probems worsened, and the denial got deeper.  PLEASE: has anyone out there come back from such a deeply horrible situation- a seperation where there is still love, but a lot of functioning problems?  I can feel us growing apart, because he is afraid to come back and "screw everything up" again?  Also, he takes Adderral and Wellbutrin daily.

HOnestly, even with meds, it

HOnestly, even with meds, it sounds like his ADHD isn't being treated properly. Has he been evaluated by a psychiatrist?

No he hasn't.  just a

No he hasn't.  just a counsler and family doctor.  He is stubborn and resists.  I am aware of my own co-dependancy and don't want to do too much "for" him, especially because in the past he doesn't react openly if he really doesn't want to do something. 

I fully understand...I tried

I fully understand...I tried to stay out of my husband's treatment myself and DID stay out of it for many months. He quit taking all meds (my request..they made him VERY angry and hostile - concerta and then vyvanse) and came unglued. I finally dug myself out of the pits of hell and left him to deal with it on his own. He did this in very destructive ways, of course...and then I finally asked what he planned to do. He went to see his doctor and was referred to a psychiatrist. He goes next week.

There comes a time when they need a little 'push'...even if we really want to stay out of it...but my options were to either let him continue to spiral out of control OR to insist he do SOMETHING. Our marriage and family won't survive if he doesn't get help. I know nothing will change (or things will only get worse) if I don't insist he do something. I have to have boundaries. He has to get help. That's all I am asking...is that he get help. If your husband wants to come home badly enough, then I would insist he get the professional help he needs..a psychiatrist who can diagnose and prescribe meds, if needed. In the end, you may be saving him from himself. If he's really depressed, he may not even care enough about himself to get help on his own.

So, if you son;t mind me

So, if you son;t mind me asking, what point are you at in moving on with your own life?  I feel like my life has been "on hold" for so long waiting for him to "snap" out of it and try to manage these issues that cause such chaos in his and our lives.  It seems so simple to me- ok there is an issue- we committed to this marraige and this family, and it needs to be managed so we can all function and maybe at some point, incorporate some fun and joy back into our lives.  I feel like he is miles behind me, (Example: I am the one on this website doing the ADHD research, and I am the only one looking for ways to save him from himself.  When do I quit? Our counseler told me some peole never "get it".  Or they barely cope and function and just muddle through their lives.  I am a very driven, clear headed person with direction- I feel we are at oppposite ends of a pole.  He definitely resents me for many things.  But mostly I just feel so beyond my breaking point, and don't know if I can hang on much longer, but am fearful of moving on too soon.  Feed back is greatly appreciated!

 

Also, could you describe what

Also, could you describe what you meant by pit of hell? I have my own definition, and would like to compare. Thanks.

I've told the ugly story

I've told the ugly story several times...so briefly: There have been 4 very recognizable spells of (what TRULY looks to me like) depression. 1998, 2001, 2009, and 2011. Each had 'triggers'. (major life changes, tragedy, and the most recent one happened when he stopped ADHD meds cold turkey)

During the 2009 episode (He lost his job - was out of work for 6 weeks  - and found out his mother was dying) he withdrew, started treating me horribly, blaming me for everything, telling me he hated me (but he loved me), and I finally asked him to leave. (Oct 2009). His mother died within just a few weeks (Oct), my father died a month later (in Nov from complications of an ATV accident), and then I found out he had started an affair in Sept. Found out in Dec. We reconciled and my absolute condition was that he get help to figure out why he cheats. (he had an 1 night stand with his ex-wife during his first episode in 1998). We reconciled in Dec 09. It got worse before it got better, but he was FINALLY willing to admit his faults and I had just had enough with the anger and was successfully putting it behind me. In June of 2010, during one of our first sessions with our 2nd counselor since our reconciliation (the first one hated him) he got the diagnosis. We were making HUGE strides and my SD had moved out (HUGE HUGE HUGE source of stress for our marriage) and things were really looking up. He had had bad side effects of meds in the past (hostility and aggression) and was hesitant, but decided to try them in Oct. From Oct 10-Feb 11 he was hostile, short fused, and just flat out ugly. I could not speak that he wasn't taking something I said wrong...or even just have a look on my face he would swear it meant something it didn't. Our conversations started to revolve solely around him...and if I brought up a topic, and he was actually willing to discuss it, he would automatically disagree with my point of view. I finally had enough and with all of the other options out there (our counselor was hinting at bipolar disorder at this point too) I asked him to stop taking the meds. I had been patient when he asked for more time to adjust. (he was hostile at work as well). He refused, and after a very ugly counseling session I had had enough. I told him I was done. There were a lot of other factors (he was blaming me for everything again, fighting with me over things that I thought had been resolved, refusing to help me deal with his infidelity, etc) and I was done. He said he would stop them to see if it helped anything. It was Feb 17th. He came completely unglued, withdrew to the den, and wanted nothing to do with me and the kids. He started sleeping in the den too. For years we slept separately and when we reconciled we not only slept in the same bed, but we cuddled and went to bed at the same time...for months. I literally was knocked to my knees by all of it and all he could promise me was that he didn't want to leave. He was missing a LOT of work and I was terrified he was going to get fired. I panicked, tried to start fixing everything, and when nothing worked my frustration level went sky high and my anger returned..full force. There we were again..right back in the same disgustingly vicious cycle I TRULY thought we'd never be in again. This was the pits of hell. I started listening to the audio book CoDependent No More and slowly started healing. His moods have always dictated my own and it had to stop. He refused to go to family events with me (my family) and I started going alone. I actually got to where I didn't feel the overwhelming sadness of going alone...and was making a lot of progress. He finally started coming around...but only because I started going on without him. I was being nice to him, engaging in conversation with him, but I took the topic of ADHD, our marriage, and everything else off of the table and just let deal with it and I focused on ME. Even if it was just something as simple as making plans without him...or going riding without him...I FORCED myself to stop sitting around moping.  I addressed the issue of him not working but I basically said "if you're not going to work and lose your job, I need to know because I am going to get a job if you're not going to work...so I need to know..what are you going to do?" (versus bitching about him not going in).

I hope this answered your question...going to read your first reply to make sure.

Thank you

Amazing answer.  You have been through so much.  May I ask, why you have not cut ties with him? I am sure you love him as I do my husband, and I know all of his amazing qualities.  I am doing the co-dependant treatment, and am starting to fell as if sometimes you have to love yourself enough to walk away.  Has anyone successfully navigated a marraige and formed new roles, after years of the old ones until someone broke?  I ask all this respectfully, your answer has given me much insight, Thank you.

Why do I stay? Hrmm. I stay

Why do I stay? Hrmm. I stay because generally speaking, he is a great person with a huge heart. He is my best friend. (although it feels like there are worlds between us right now, I am hopeful this will go away again..it has felt that way before). I also recognize my role in much of the issues in our marriage and know that my anger, walls, defensiveness, and trying to control him have contributed to our mutual unhappiness. He has only had the diagnosis for a little over a year. There is often a period of grieving that comes before acceptance and willingness to recognize it as a real problem with real ramifications. I know he isn't 'there' yet...he would rather have me just put everything behind us and move forward because there is a big part of him that thinks he can control his ADHD himself...but he is willing to go to counseling and is going to see the psychiatrist next week. I am hopeful that with all of this, will come some kind of acceptance and with treatment he'll feel so much better about himself that he'll be encouraged by that to keep working on his treatment..for the right reasons (because he wants to). I do love him very much and in spite of everything I still have hope. I am learning to love myself...and I KNOW I deserve better than what I have gotten. In the same sense, so does he. We have a lot of work to do together. If/when the time comes that things are beyond repair, I will walk away. For now, peace has been restored in our home and I'm happy for that.

I also pray a lot...and get signs all the time that God is telling me to just hang in there...He's working on us.
 

I am at the point where I am

I am at the point where I am putting together a plan B. I am here, I am trying, I love him, but I know that if nothing changes, nothing will change. My past will be my future. Once he came out of his depression and started engaging with the family again, I was already moving on with my life. I decided not to put a time line on things...or to say "if things aren't different by X time, then I am leaving him" I just decided to take things one day at a time and focus on not being drug around by the hair by his ADHD. I stand my ground on the boundary that he will get help or I am not interested in sticking around. I hoped that in time he would agree/be eager to get help. He agreed to go back to counseling with me, once he was out of his depression, but it had gotten so ugly (the blame game) that I honestly didn't have it in me to even try. If I had gone, it would have been alone. I left him alone...let him deal with his own stuff...but always let him know that he had to get treatment. I found out he was self-medicating (I had suspected it for a LONG TIME) by a complete freak accident and said "what do you plan on doing about this...I won't ignore it and I won't let you" and that is when he said he was going to see his doctor...and his doctor (after I was truthful with him about what had been going on) suggested he might be bipolar as well and is referring him to a psychiatrist. He goes next week. That is where we are. I am still shell shocked from all of the events that started last October and am struggling again to let go of my anger. I have put walls back up...and at this point it feels like I would die if I let them down. I am trying...because I know they are just as damaging as his behaviors. He literally asked me to renew our vows...and within just 2 weeks he was being very ugly and hostile. I know much of what happened was medication (and self-medicating) induced...and not necessarily in his control...but I have been on the roller coaster for 14 years, it has to stop.

That gives me much clarity

That gives me much clarity and a guide as to how to move forward.  Thank you and good luck to you!