When to give up.

This is my first post and thank you for reading!

I am currently married, my husband was first diagnosed with ADHD this year at age 58.  This is my second marriage, his first, we have been married for 10 years, no children together, I have an adult daughter from my first marriage of 22 years.

So that's me. Wife and mother, but somewhere along the line, I lost me, I became a forgotten person because I've realised I've spent my whole adult life trying to make someone else's life the best it can be forgetting all about what my needs are and those needs being ignored through neglect because the person I'm married to can only think of himself and his own needs.

For the 3 years up to his diagnosis I have struggled emotionally to deal with his highly needy and demanding ways, been ignored, put down, constantly interrupted, lied to, I've had my private conversations relayed to anyone else he chooses, confidences blurted out, subjected to embarrassment because of how he treats people, been subjected to him rowing with staff in hotels and restaurants we've ever visited, demoralised, undervalued.  

I'm constantly tidying and clearing away his chaos and treated like a doormat.  He is like a vacuum sucking and draining the life out of me.  

I have struggled financially to make an income for myself because I have moved to live in his part of the country, despite him being very wealthy he has never supported me and has always expected me to provide for myself.  His levels of miserliness are astounding, I feel he has serious issues around money and needing to retain total control of it and every asset he has, including the home we share together.  He buys himself very expensive cars and then refuses to use them because he doesn't want to spoil them and yet will buy out of date products in groceries in supermarkets discount sections.   

I sought out help for him with a psychiatrist to get him a diagnosis, found a psychologist for him who has told him that he must change his behaviour, it just got worse.  The diagnosis seemed to give him a green light to behave however he chose and he had a free ticket because of his diagnosis.  I found that the medication has only made him worse, yes he has more motivation, but the levels of arguing went through the roof.  Arguments are of a granular level, anything at all that he can argue about, he will.  Sometimes he argues so much, I can't even work out how it is I'm supposed to do what he expects, it's impossible.  

Although he has had an ADHD diagnosis, I do also believe he has both Narcissitic And Oppositional Personaility Disorders and is certainly sadistic.

Things have been bad for a while, I tried to find a way through by helping him get a diagnosis, but it just hasn't worked.  He has managed to confuse my emotions by gaslighting with great success, he can be vile one moment and forget all that the next to the point of being loving.

As a person I didn't recognise myself any more, I have spent so long trying to help someone who is so draining I basically just became an extension of them and their needs, I completely lost myself and my self respect.  He seemed to get some sort of pleasure from seeing this, seeing me diminished.  It seemed like the only reason I was there was for him in an arrangement where I got very little in return, certainly not a loving respectful relationship or any sort of emotional or financial support beyond living in his house where, since losing my job, he was kind enough to waiver the money I paid him each month for living here.  

I have no control over anything including my own home.  Correction, I had no control, I have regained that now, I have stopped arguing back, I have found new friends away from his circle, I see him little and never talk any more, because I decided I'd had enough, I decided this is actually nothing less than abuse and a tag of ADHD, doesn't change that.  

If someone won't change to save their marriage, they are not worth it.  He has ADHD, I do not believe that he doesn't recognise his behaviour and how vile it is because he doesn't treat his family members in this way, only me.  So he does have levels of control, he does know what's acceptable and what's not, he chooses this way with me.  A tag of ADHD is no excuse.

So now, me is coming back, the kind gracious person who was, I don't here my voice shouting, or hear myself crying or worrying about what people are being told.  I'm done trying to help someone who does t want to be helped and who will never change, and he did it to himself.