After years of discord and struggle, I decided to leave my ADHD marriage. When I informed my ADHD husband, he insisted he would do anything to "keep our family together." As an example, he explained that we fight because I'm too controlling and he needs to assert his individuality. He offered to "give up his individuality" if it meant I would stay. In the days since I said I was leaving, he's been Mr. Perfect - home on time, brings flowers, no major conflicts. After years of riding this roller-coaster of a relationship, I don't believe he can sustain this focus on our relationship. Now, I feel incredibly guilty for leaving, yet I can't bear the thought of staying in this relationship.
Some history - Early in our relationship, my husband's ADHD symptoms made him seem fun and spontaneous. When we had a baby, he was of little help, and our relationship deteriorated rapidly. I dragged him to marriage counseling and got his ADHD diagnosed. He insisted it was just his "personality," and we abandoned both marriage counseling and him getting treatment for his ADHD. He lost his job and made little effort to find a new job, living in denial while I stressed over both the baby and our finances. He finally got a new job, we moved to a new city (with me managing the entire move), and I was left a weeping wreck. In the last six months, he has made significant improvement in parenting, taking on some responsibilities and being home more. However, our relationship has been strained at best. We rarely converse except about our child, sleep in separate rooms, and argued when we did interact. I no longer trust, respect, or love my husband. I decided it was time to move on with my life, but he's desperate to maintain the illusion of our happy marriage. Now, I feel overwhelming guilt that makes me hesitant to leave, yet I don't believe I can ever be happy in this marriage again. I could really use some input from those who have been at this point.
I think you have made up your mind
Submitted by mariel on
I don't know what is the 'right' thing to do but I would reflect that it sounds as though you have decided what is right. Feeling guilty doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to leave - just that you will feel guilty for a little while.
Your husband said he would 'do anything' but then said that would include him giving up his individuality. Do you want him to do that? If he's willing to do anything then he's willing to get treatment and work on improving your relationship.
The things that make me want to suggest you stay aren't that he's made that nasty passive aggressive offer or that you feel guilty but that you say he has made improvements in his parenting, taking on responsibility and being home more. If you think he can sustain that and build on it to work on improvements in your relationships then maybe it's worth waiting a little?
I can't bear the thought
Submitted by Standing on
either.
Struggling, have you been able to grieve the loss of the relationship which this one has never been?
That's where I am standing now... in dis-illusionment, trying to view the shedding of those illusions as a positive step toward growth, trying to grieve the loss and to forgive the wounds.
I can see that my husband is trying to behave in a way which he thinks will appear more "normal" to me. I can also see the strain that this is for him. I have compassion for him, BUT ... ! He has finally looked up a bit of info on ADD, but only after it was suggested that he may also have bipolar disorder. He is beginning to be willing to see the differences between us. This is a far cry from being willing - or able - to appreciate the devastations which his behaviors and attitudes have created in our relationship. Seems like I have desperately wanted him to know just how horribly difficult the past 10 years have been for me and I am becoming more and more convinced that he is not capable of grasping that. Maybe that loss is what really needs to be grieved..
My own anger tells me that I'm not done yet. I still care - but not as much as before. Sorry, no answers, but if peace lies in acceptance, then I guess we must draw some firm boundaries around what we will and will not accept.
I too have the same question!
Submitted by CaliforniaRose on
I can certainly understand your frustration. It's not an easy decision to make and only the person in the situation can make it. I do suggest seeing a counselor on your own, to help walk you through your options and consult with an attorney before making any permanent decisions. I am currently in the process myself.
My husband is also in denial even though our counselor who we have seen numerous times over the years (mostly by myself trying to keep my sanity) diagnosed him with it. We have two children, both have been diagnosed with ADHD and do take medication when needed. It is exhausting carrying the full weight of responsibility all the time. The hardest for me is the loneliness. I wish you all the best.