Oh man, I've only been married for 3 years, but I am ready to tackle two jobs and being a single mom just to get out of this relationship. He's not even that bad yet.....I'm just too independent and used to being single to deal with having to mother my husband. He has every single symptom of ADD. I don't really know the difference in ADD and ADHD, but he has no hyperactivity problems. He comes across as pretty darn lazy. Because of him, I'm the one with the hyperactivity, but I like to call it extreme multi-tasking;p
I have googled "husband is lazy", "husband doesn't listen to a thing I say", "husband doesn't hear me", "husband has a terrible memory", "husband is negative about everything", "husband is getting dumber", "husband is an idiot"...........just so I can commiserate a little. I've started internalizing the anger because I hate making him feel bad. I just walk away and roll my eyes, bitch to myself, or go write it down. I try not to talk about it with friends because I can come up with multiple complaints a day. I have become very passive around my husband because almost every thing he says or does grates my nerves. Instead of getting better, he is getting worse. He knows that I have stepped out of the marriage, so he is (finally) trying harder, but he is still messing up simple tasks or doing stupid, sometimes dangerous things....daily.
When we met, he showed me a man that was excited about life and me. Now I think it may have been hyper-focusing. He would come over to my house from work and focus all of his attention on me. Once we were done talking about me, he would excitedly tell me about the career he was working towards. I married him too quickly. Years of dating people that didn't work for me made me kind of desperate. He was like a breath of fresh air and he was moving away soon. After we married, he failed out of school....a very difficult school, and he was forced into another school that he didn't want. I became pregnant. A few months after that, we were shipped overseas. I was unable to work overseas, so I took on all the household responsibilities. I handled all the bills and online bank accounts because he showed no interest in them. I didn't mind because I have always worked hard and I felt that I needed to do something. To this day, he never looks at his paycheck and doesn't know the usernames and passwords for the bank accounts, even though they have been given to him frequently. He was never home because he was training for war. When he was home, he couldn't remember to soak a dirty dish or put dirty clothes in the hamper. Little things that made my job easier. It was a constant argument. He never thanked me for getting up with him to cook breakfast, cook lunch on his break, or cook dinner. If I really slaved over a meal and asked how it tastes, he'd say "it's okay".....and then got upset at me that I got upset. He said, "okay means it's good where I'm from". I wasn't buying it even then. NOW, he thanks me profusely for any meal I make, and even the ones he helps with or order. Over-compensating........
Our biggest problem was how much importance he put on sex. He bugged me endlessly about it. We could do it 2x a day and he'd still beg me for it. He begged me through my 2 months of bedrest and my 6 months of recuperating from a very difficult birth. When he finally went to war, I was glad. No more pressure for sex like it was the most important thing in the world. When he came home, I put a stop to the endless begging for sex because he immediately started back that old routine. I haven't slept with him since October, and don't think I ever want to again. I told him he could go outside the marriage for it, but that I was never going to have sex again if I didn't want to. Who wants to have sex with someone that only lasts a minute anyway? Who wants to have sex with someone they have to treat like a child?
I kept thinking the problem was how much he hated his job and hated being overseas, but now that we're back in America, he's not a whole lot better. Now his forgetfulness and inability to think about consequences have put the baby in danger a few times. I never trusted him with the baby anyway. Since we moved here, we acquired a dog that showed signs of food aggression towards the baby. We didn't want to give the dog up right away, so we agreed to monitor them and ALWAYS keep the dogs outside when preparing their food. Right after that conversation, I walked in on him preparing wet dog food with both dogs and the baby under his feet. When I confronted him, he blamed it on the dogs. He said they WERE outside. Um, obviously they are not now and it is the HUMAN'S fault if they managed to sneak in with the human. I had to yell at him to get him to separate them, but he was fuming. A week or two later......several days after he made me a wooden DVD shelf, I found a plugged in handsaw on the ground in the garage. I confronted him about that, but he didn't do anything immediately. 30 minutes later it is still on the ground but unplugged. I had to make him put it in a safer place. After that, I told him that he is not allowed to buy the gun he's been wanting so badly. I told him he wasn't responsible enough. He agreed. We have a toddler, for pete's sake!
Each time we moved, he took no responsibility in the house. I had to leave him in charge when the movers packed up my house. Some of my things weren't packed and I lived in a tiny apartment. Once overseas, I unloaded all of the many boxes and put them in their place. I did that twice overseas and once again when we moved back. I left him his room this time. His room stayed destroyed for over a month. He can't sit down in front of the tv without falling asleep. So, no grown-up time after the baby goes to bed. He's borderline narcoleptic. In fact, I make him go to bed when he starts falling asleep. Usually, he denies falling asleep, which really irritates me. I worry when I'm at work that he'll fall asleep and the baby will hurt himself. He doesn't take care of himself at all. He eats too much and of the wrong things. He's had the same disposable contacts for two years and NEVER takes them out. He receives letters that he never opens. I opened one once, found it was insurance, and told him to take care of it. He told me he didn't even know what it was and never looked at it again. He wants the military to pay for his old college bills, per his contract, but won't get the paperwork together to send it to the right place. Blames that on his mom.....apparently it's her job. I had to ask him many times to make his last car payment because I took it off automatic payment. He finally called the bank to get the balance, then didn't pay it. I had to make him call them back, and he managed to only pay half of it somehow. Blamed it on the bank. Before I leave, I am going to cancel our shared credit card.
Everyday is a battle of inconsistency. I have all of the responsibilities and I'm working part time too. I am trying to find a good paying full time job so that I can afford to leave. I'm nice enough to want to help him pay down debt first, but I may have to do that from a different house. We already have separate bedrooms. He's gained weight and snores loudly all night. Has been for almost a year now. We have separate bathrooms because he spends too much time on the toilet and severely dirties the toilet without cleaning it up. I asked him how he does it, and he tells me it is because he leans forward. Um, well stop leaning forward or at least clean the dang thing. I don't want to take his child from him, but I need to get away from him. He'd never be able to handle that responsibility too....he'd end up leaving him with his family. I sure hope he doesn't become vindictive when I finally leave. I don't even want a divorce because I never want to get married again.
I've given up on him as a partner. He can't listen to me or remember anything I say. He repeats, "huh, what did you say?" many times a day....sometimes before I even get the sentence out and often will answer me inappropriately because he doesn't pay attention to detail. And because of this, he gets a special joy out of pointing out any time I don't remember something. Although, I'm pretty sure he doesn't tell me half the things he remembers telling me. Yesterday, I sat a half full coffee mug in the sink. He pointed it out to me that I didn't rinse it. I barely get mad anymore though, and I am trying so hard not to point out anything to him. He can't stand any way that I try to handle things. If I don't fuss at him, I don't care. If I fuss at him, I don't appreciate the good things that he does. He tried making me feel bad because he managed to get our son up (after I was already up and in the shower), get him dressed and fed. I said, "Congratulations, I do that every single day". Sorry, but I don't need constant affirmation. I just get things done. He washes one dish and points it out to me. Wow, congrats again, I wash loads of them every single day. Lately, he's been acting really childish. It's only making things worse. It honestly feels like he is getting dumber. No matter how many times I tell him that as soon as he gets our son up and dressed, he needs to feed him, he STILL gets him up, doesn't dress him, and waits til he's screaming to feed him. It's exhausting!
He does try, and I want to believe it is a brain problem and not laziness or being stupid. He normally doesn't do any household work, but has been trying because he knows I am at my wit's end. He won't feed the dogs unless he sees I'm about to do it. He won't pick up poo unless he sees me doing it. Same thing with the trash and recycling. Thank goodness he remembers to put it on the curb on Fridays. He remembers because he sees all the other trash cans out when he leaves for work. (Hmmm, I bet they didn't get done last Friday because he was off work) He won't do the dishes unless they start to get bad. Sometimes they do now that I'm working. The other day he loaded the dishwasher, but forgot to turn it on and left some in the sink. I finally started crying about it, so he asked me to let him do it. I told him no because he doesn't get them clean. He got mad, but the next morning he missed a corner of the griddle. When I noticed it, he tells me it's old grease. I said, "no, you just didn't clean it properly". He was trying to blame his forgetting a corner of the dish on ME. Just OWN your mistakes and apologize...I do!! He rarely cooks because he can't get that right either. He set the timer on our cinnamon rolls for an hour.....they take 10-15 minutes. Of course, the bottoms were burnt. Didn't matter to him because he ate cereal while they were cooking. I'm just tired of it all. It is a constant battle just trying to have a normal home life with him in it. Thank goodness he has a job that he can't quit. He's had about 13 jobs before this one. Before this one, he was only 22. I should've heeded the signs when we were dating. He fell asleep on the way to a club. It was a 20 min drive. His mom nicknamed him "bum". Hindsight sure is 20/20.
The last thing is the anger and negativity. He seems to have a good heart, but sometimes he tries to get over on people. I can't stand negativity and I definitely don't want to get over on someone. Sometimes he just wakes up in a bad mood and it ruins the whole day. Right now he is gone for 3 days and I'm so happy about it. I wish he'd leave more. I try to point out the positives in things, but he looks for the negative. It's exhausting. He's still mad that he grew up poor, unable to afford expensive clothes. He's mad that he was an overweight kid. He managed to shed all of the weight, but is slowly gaining it back through lack of discipline. I grew up with two divorced alcoholics that fought over me even though they didn't even want me, but I'm not mad about it............I learned from it. I pity them, not me.
I used to think he needed reminders, but now I am learning that reminding doesn't do him any good. This is who I married, and there is not going to be any change. I'm just waiting until I'm able to leave comfortably. Now if I can just manage to make it that long without packing up all of my things and the baby and moving back to the east coast. I'm doing my best to just keep handling all the responsibilities and letting it roll off my back when he messes things up. I still hate dealing with the guilt of having a husband that loves me, but who I want nothing to do with. I truly wish he would hyper-focus on some other girl and move on. Maybe she'll be able to handle it better than I can. But he is totally focused on keeping me, without being able to focus on the things that would help him accomplish that. I am done with relationships after this. I could write pages and pages of some of the insane things he's done, said, or started to do. I want out before I can write more.