When he refuses to acknowledge his anger.

What do you do when he refuses to see his anger? My fiancée and I have been together on and off for almost 6 years. (I’m 44 and divorced. He is 49 and twice divorced. His kids are grown and out of the house. I have my 13 year old daughter living with me.)  The first few years we were not aware of the ADHD, so the usual problems occurred.  I found this site and started researching ADHD about 2 years ago. When I showed it to him, he was interested in learning more, but flatly refused any medication. Long story short, we ended up breaking up after months of painful back and forth.  A few months later, he told me he had been researching and found so much information. He was excited about the possibilities, and even willing to try medication. He apologized for refusing to see it and the pain he put me through. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I thought we were on our way to happiness. He told me he would need my input on the medication once he started to watch for changes in behavior. He started on Vyvanse.  He was really pleased with the increase in his ability to focus at work and said he felt much more energy.  The problem was, I was seeing an increase in temper and a shorter fuse. When I tried to talk to him about it, he was extremely defensive and told me I was misinterpreting everything he said.  This went on for a few months and was getting worse by the day. But, he loved the high he was getting from Vyvanse. He was thrilled to be able to accomplish so much more at work.  He took on more accounts and his travel increased from a few days every other week, to Monday through Thursday almost every week. When he would get back on Fridays, we would end up fighting almost instantly. No matter what the situation, it’s a case of me misinterpreting his words, or being impossible to please. When I tried to talk to him about the medication, he told me it was his decision and only he knew what was best.  Along the way, I was getting angrier and angrier. One night I totally lost it and was screaming at him. I saw the shocked look on his face and he told me he had never seen such bitterness in me. When I looked at myself closely, I realized he may be right. So, I went to see a therapist and started on an anti-depressant. The difference was unbelievable.  I was able to find the kindness and compassion that I had lost. I was able to remember all the things I loved about him.  I knew I really wanted to make this relationship work. But, no matter how much I tried to fix myself and change my behaviors, he still lost his temper constantly. The scary part is, he has no idea he does it. By the time we talk about it, he tells me he was not even angry – that perhaps he was a little frustrated with something I did, but that he expressed it very calmly.  He refuses to believe otherwise. I told him the difference the medication made for me and asked him to consider the possibility that he was depressed and needed something to supplement the Vyvanse.  He completely disagreed that he was depressed and said he refused to take one of those “drugs that turn you into a zombie.”  Things have gotten worse by the day. I finally reached the point where I told him I would not be able to see him until he made the call and talked to someone about depression and found a medication to turn down his temper.  He said I was issuing demands and he would handle things his own way and in his own time. He just doesn’t understand the damage he’s doing to me with each passing day. 
I love this man. Underneath all this is a kind, loving, and gentle man.  He constantly tells me I’m trying to change him into something he’s not.  I’m really trying to get to the man underneath all this.  Is there any hope?

deciding67,

I am too facing the same anger problems and high temper from my ADHD husband,the only difference is he is not taking meds.I don't know what to do at this moment, and just like you I wonder if there is any hope? taking meds is a great step,but, as I read on and on the pill is not a "magic" pill and "only"if that person is willing to make the change then it will work with effort.I am very hurt and angry/depress myself and I might have to go and see a therapist and start taking anti-depressant also,I'm soo scared right now for my mental health.One thing with the ADHD husband anger and another thing when that anger comes out with hurtful remarks, that is the worst ever to go through.

from:lovehurts.

New anger after meds...

I can only speak from my own experiences, so here it goes. I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago at the tender young age of 43. I was always the laid-back no temper guy. I was also oblivious to most things around me, including comments made under the breath and body language. After I began my Adderall treatment and research of ADD I began to notice more of the things going on around me. I was able to hear and respond to the world around in ways I had not imagined. I could think clearly and quickly. I was not worried about saying something stupid or not being ready to discuss a topic. The thing I began to notice was that all of the Non-Oblivion was a whole new language to me. I knew I was over reacting in some situations and still under reacting as well. The meds wake the brain up, but you still have to learn how to process all of the new information. My DW and I have discussed this several times and after 3 years it seems to be improving. I will say there is a lot to re-learn in my ADD brain. The ADDer has to recognize these things and do the work. Unfortunately the ever patient Non-ADDer will needs patience as well.