Warning: A negative post about ADHD and my hate for it, not my fiance
I officially think I can no longer live with my fiance's ADHD. Even a few weeks ago my best fried, who loves my fiance, made the observation that I never seem happy and that I should consider whether or not I can live with his ADHD.Yesterday I got my answer....
The fight started off because of something "little", like they always do. I asked Sam to write something on our shopping list while I was getting ready to get out of the door (as many of you can probably relate, I, who is non-ADHD, can forget things just as quickly as him most times since I am so busy remembering what needs to happen in our lives...making sure our respoinsibilites are taken care of...remembering everything we need to get out the door). Anyhow, 5 minutes later when we are getting ready to walk out the door, I didn't see his handwriting on the list. I asked him, "what did I ask you to write on the list?"...I seriously couldn't remember. After thinking about it for a minute I remembered and I flew off the handle. I am just angry with him for so many things. I get severe headaches and fear for my mental health simply because if I don't remember, it, whatever it is, doesn't happen. And remembering everything that has anything to do with both of our lives is exhausting. And I will never let go of this. I tuely believe that my remembering everything makes our home stay afloat. Remembering everything is a lot to ask someone, but I absolutely refuse to let ADHD ruin the possibilities of my life and our possible life together. I worked to damn hard for what I have.
After half the day went by, I was still angry with him for everything that his ADHD, not him, has done to me. I know who my fiance is outside ADHD and he is not what ADHD is. Then while in Target, when we were arguing yet again, I remembered...it was the 1 year anniversary of our engagement. Not only did he forget but I forgot as well. I forgot. What does that mean? Is it simply that I am so busy remembering everthing that I just simply forgot, or does it mean that I could have cared less? I remembered it was coming about a week ago but then I forgot after that. Then after not talking to him for hours, I started getting so mad at him for not remembering (i.e. setting a reminder in his Palm or phone). He always tells me that he don't know if he will ever repay me for everything I have done for us...last night I let him know that doing something, anything for our anniversary would have been a good start....that I am so busy remembering everything that he could have repaid me by remembering our anniversary...could have gotten me a card...or taken me to the spot we got engaged...anything.
When both parties, who don't have children and PTA meetings or pets, forget their anniversary is the relationship over? How could it not be (not a question, a statement). We are supposed to leave for vacation on Saturday. I need to start canceling things today for refunds but don't know what to do. Sam loves me more than I ever thought someone would love me. I have had a rough history with human beings and he made me feel again. I just don't know what to do. And letting go of the remembering is not going to happen...no matter what. Trust me, I have let go of a lot. But when it comes to responsibilities, well I think too many people have forgotten what responsibility means.