When the non-ADHD partner is "done trying"

Since my marriage took a turn for the worse last year, the one refrain that keeps coming up a lot from my wife is that she's "done trying" and it's up to me to show that I can put in the effort. I can understand why she'd be at the end of her rope, and I try to put across that I hear that and respect that. So it's on me to make my own goal list and start kicking some butt, right? But it puts me in knots to read about things the non-ADHD spouse could and should do to help save the relationship, like:

  • Separate the spouse from the symptoms
  • Learn to empathize (any remarks about my own feelings earns the reply, "It's all about you again!")
  • Try laughing at mistakes sometimes
  • Know what things your spouse is not good at and build around that
  • Forgiveness as a first step to trying differently
  • Accept that their partner will always have ADHD
  • Work out verbal cues and stick to them
  • Open up about their own deep feelings or their anger

To hear my wife say that makes me afraid that none of these things will happen unless I can really wow her first with big, prolonged improvement. The last 18 months have shown that I just keep slipping. Does anyone have their own experiences or advice in this area.... how to ask my partner to shift a viewpoint a bit or take a tiny step for the benefit of both of us working out our issues?