I am new to this site and have been so bashed by my husband's pastor and brother to believe that I am crazy. We were married a year ago but my ex never moved in. Every time he did he would have an explosion and take whatever he had at my house and leave usually calling police and telling them all sorts of things like I'm dangerous, I had a gun and I was drunk. Fortunately, the police saw that he was the one that was out of control. But his brother told me to stop all the drama and blamed me for his outpatient hospital treatment last year. I should mention that my ex has terrible self esteem problems and will exaggerate, has OCD because therapist explained that unless he has everything in a certain order his mind can't concentrate and he gets very angry. So I understand this is why he won't move in with me.
Well, my husband (ex) had open heart surgery a couple weeks ago and I brought him to my house to care for him. I was exhausted from trying to get him to eat his low sodium food and he can't stand my driving and he couldn't drive and sat in back seat (to protect his chest in case air bag went off) and he was livid with me and I am a safe driver.
Here is the real problem. My ex had another one of his episodes called me a bitch and told me that I was ten times worse than his ex-wife who was a cheating alcoholic and horrible person. I have had enough experience that I am used to that and was just going to let things blow over but I did tell him to go stay with his brother because he was not letting me go to sleep and I was exhausted. This is strange and so I wonder if anyone else experiences this? My husband told me that in two seconds he would plaster my dead body on the wall. He's a third degree black belt and that shut me up and I just told him to wait outside for his brother. Well, he went called 911 and once again accused me of punching him. He called the police again but they already knew he made up things but went to emergency room and was hoping to find evidence that I punched him (and of course there was none. It was ridiculous. I was the one who bugged him to go in for heart tests and spent every waking moment going through the surgery and recovery. I would then punch him which could kill him? He convinced me that I was drunk because I had had a drink to relax and was in a black out. However, after listening to his version things just didn't make sense and I knew he was delusional or lying. For example after I locked the front door he came back in the back door for his shaving supplies. Now, if I was punching him and he was afraid that I would open his surgical wound, would anyone in their right mind come back in the house to get his razor?
This is just typical of what I am accused of and blamed for all the time. Today I told him that I love him but I really don't feel comfortable with my ex telling police and brother that I'm psychotic. My doctor, friends, and family want me to get him out of my life but I do want to try but if he is certain that I am the one with problem how can we try to live together? I have changed myself and rarely lose my temper with him and for a while we got along great as I would get us both laughing when he said something totally rude and mean.
This website has already helped me a lot because my self esteem has suffered being with my ex. I have a tendency to blame myself and when everyone is telling me that I'm the problem and I'm crazy I feel awful. I read what other partners have gone through and see this is very serious. I am a Christian and pray for him but I feel that my ex is having a very negative affect on my sons and friends as I am often very depressed. He admits he is verbally abusive and once he said something really nice to me and I asked him if he really thought that about me why he always tells me I 'm so awful. My ex said that he thinks I'm too good for him and he's afraid I will leave him. I haven't left him in a year and don't want to. Any input would be appreciated.
Are you still married?
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I understand your beliefs and that you want to adhere to your values, but you are also a precious person and this man is abusing you, even if he's never laid a hand on you. He has serious mental illness issues that are not your fault, nor is it up to you to suffer due to them. He has threatened you, he has a record with the police of making false claims against you and he is manipulative. Being with him is causing negative effects on you and your sons. You mentioned OCD and obviously he has a lot of anger, but has he been diagnosed with ADHD? Is he receiving any other kind of treatment or therapy?
He may have self-esteem issues. Maybe abusers do. But that's no excuse. Let his brother and his pastor take care of him as he recovers from his heart surgery. You owe consideration to yourself and your children now. This is important. Please find a domestic abuse support group. I found one at my local YWCA. Or call the national DV hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They can help you to get protection and help. Reach out to your family and friends for help, too. And keep us updated. *hugs*
I Needed This....
Submitted by do not understand on
First of all I read your posts and your are one of the very few people who post and God bless you for reaching out to people. I will do the same thing as I become more familiar with ADHD. I spoke with my ex yesterday and explained to him that I have found a site that addresses the challenges of marriage/relationship with ADHD people. He then said he was only ADD but another lie because he told me he was ADHD many times. He said he's not "that bad" like his brother.
Great news! Although I was sent to abuse support group in my area by police last year I didn't think that I qualified since my then husband was severely depressed and in mental hospital so it wasn't his fault he was "sick". Not true! This time I am confronting the problem head on. I have not seen him since he charged me with assault (again and again) because he is staying at his brother's house who truly is ADHD and probably bi-polar because his brother carries a gun and threatens to shoot anyone who trespasses. He has signs for No Trespassing and according to him he would have the right to shoot and kill anyone on his property. So my ex (and I did divorce him thanks to my doctor who has been very supportive) called and called wanting me to come over. I didn't want to but I told him if he called his brother and he gave me permission that I would. I knew his brother would not approve and in fact told my ex he would shoot on sight. I was never so happen to get a death threat as my ex will not be able to drive a car for weeks and so I can't see him. I am using this time to work on myself. I refinanced my house, am fixing up my house and improving my relationships with friends and sons that were damaged in the past year with my ex.
The best part is that I am going to support group for abused women starting next week. I do see a therapist occassionally but talking with women who stay in abusive relationships and can't break free is going to help me to do this. Even if you subtract the actual verbal abuse and threats from the equation, the symptoms that people are describing about ADHD are very stressful and difficult to deal with. My son has ADD and some of these traits. I give all the partners of ADHD a lot of credit because I am sure it takes so much self control to live with this affliction.
Thank you AlmaVera
Alma Vera, Glad you're getting help
Submitted by dedelight4 on
AlmaVera, I'm glad you did find this site, it's been helpful to so many of us. I noticed you just posted this, and am glad you did. I was going to agree with the other poster who said to let your ex stay with his brother instead of you. But, I read here that that's what he's doing. good. I know you have your hands full with your ex AND an ADHD son. Wow. My husband is severely ADHD, but don't have children with it.....can't imagine both.
Your ex brother-in-law sounds pretty scary. He also doesn't seem to know the law. He can't shoot anyone who "trespasses" on his property. That's against the law. A person has to be INSIDE a person's house and doing him bodily harm, before he is allowed to use that type of force. I know, because I had a music gig with policemen for 6 years, and a separate gig with a retired policeman for 10 years, and that's what they told me. So, I'm pretty sure that's what the proper law is. God forbid he does shoot someone for being on his property, he will be shocked to know that HE will be the one going to jail. (just thought I'd let you know this) But, that ALONE, has got to have you very concerned for your own safety and the safety of your son. Maybe your ex brother in law will find out that you haven't been "the bad guy all along". Most likely, even if your ex won't admit that to you. They don't ever seem to "admit" much, at least not anything that's THEIR fault. But, they sure can put blame on the rest of us, real OR imagined. (and much is imagined) It's a difficult condition at best, to have to live with, because you never quite know where you stand, when married to someone with ADHD. Especially, when they say one thing, deny that, then do another, and then deny doing that "other" thing. mind blowing.
I'm SO GLAD you are going to a support group for abused women. I've often felt that I need to do that, because even though my husband hasn't "abused" me in the normal sense of the word, my mind and emotions have felt abused by the neglect, and affects that his condition has had on me, and it takes healing.
I wish you MUCH healing in your life, and much success as well, to you and your son. Take care and hope you keep posting.
Abuse in relationship with an ADHD partner
Submitted by AlmaVera on
dedelight4 said:
"I'm SO GLAD you are going to a support group for abused women. I've often felt that I need to do that, because even though my husband hasn't "abused" me in the normal sense of the word, my mind and emotions have felt abused by the neglect, and affects that his condition has had on me, and it takes healing."
This is an issue that is very important to me. I have seen the generational effects of relationship abuse in my own family, and in the lives of many people I care about. I am trying to be as gender-neutral here as I can, because both women and men can be abused.
I think there's a very common reaction by the partners of those with a diagnosis of some kind that we have to suffer abusive treatment because our partners didn't ask for whatever it is they have. That their physical illness or mental condition is causing them to treat us poorly, and that it's unfair to hold them accountable in any way. This is simply not true. Melissa has said in her book and I've read it in other books on ADHD and relationships: ADHD is NOT an excuse for abuse. (Neither is depression, OCD, anxiety, low self-esteem, shame, poor coping skills, past abuse, or anything else, btw) Even if one partner isn't hitting the other, and even if that partner's treatment can be traced back to a mental issue s/he didn't 'ask for,' it can still qualify as abuse. The effects of the anger, criticism, neglect, lies, control, threats, etc., will still be the same on the person who's on the receiving end, often leading the receiver to fall into the same patterns as any abused partner -- hopelessness, lower and lower self-esteem, confusion, anger, and of course, fear. The relationship can easily take on the typical cycle of abuse, as well. I denied for years that I was being abused in my marriage because I was never hit, and my husband had diagnosed mental illness. Until it was ending, I didn't see that a later relationship with a partner diagnosed with ADHD as an adult had also fallen into that cycle. Both times, I denied and excused a lot because of current stress in their lives, past abuse, depression, and any diagnoses. And just to be clear here: I'm NOT in any way saying that all people diagnosed with ADHD, depression, or anything else will turn out to be abusers. Not at all.
Many of the worst cases here on the forum seem to be not because of ADHD alone, but also other co-morbid conditions or behaviors that developed alongside, undiagnosed and untreated. Almost every one of the women in my DV support group had partners who were substance abusers and/or had some type of mental health issue that was also affecting other areas of the partners' lives. All of us stayed too long partly because we worried about the health of the abuser more than ourselves and even our children. A good program is not about villainizing the partner, but about helping the participants recognize what is happening, and to learn more effective mental and emotional self-care skills, such as how to set and keep boundaries, how to recognize healthy vs. unhealthy behaviors, and how to understand and deal with patterns that often occur in dysfunctional relationships. These things are vital, whether the participants choose to stay in their relationships or if they want to have better future relationships. We can still love and care about and have compassion for our partners, but we do not have to be abused as a way of showing it to them.
For anyone reading this, male or female, if you are not sure if your relationship is really abusive, there are many resources online.
This article does a great job of explaining different types of abuse, and makes excellent points regarding the idea of whether or not the abuser is able to stop or control his/her actions:
Domestic violence and abuse: Signs of abuse and abusive relationships
Here is a screening quiz. I have seen many of these things detailed in posts on this forum.
Relationship quiz: Am I being abused?
Peace to all,
AV
I took the quiz.
Submitted by do not understand on
Dear AV,
I took the test and got a 51 which is moderately abusive but it's still abusive and I'm bringing this to my first support group meeting next week. I agree totally that until he called the police and charged me with assault I never said anything negative (except to my best friend and doctor) about him. I admit that I have flaws that drive him crazy. I have a farm and a lot of animals and it's very difficult to keep the house as clean as he wants it. He has been diagnosed with OCD so I must drive him crazy.
My entire family has mental health issues. It's like I'm the normal one from the Addams Family. It always hurt me that people were very cruel to my family members because of their illness so I have had friends who were bi-polar, multiple personality, addicts, personality disorders and I try really hard not to judge. I am a Christian and I believe that we are precious children of God no matter what mental or physical afflictions we have.
My only trigger that I just can't control is when I see someone abusing a child or animal. The protective mother comes out in me and I can't stop myself from standing up for the victim. As a very small child I would stand up to my father to protect my siblings but never once did I defend myself. I guess that is why I need this support group. I need to value myself as I do others.
Thank you so much for sharing. You have no idea how much you have helped someone you know only in cyberspace.
Love and prayers to you.
Great Information on Trespasssing Laws
Submitted by do not understand on
Now I know that his brother can't shoot me and police did tell me to get order of protection but I don't want to add to the drama. I'm sure that you are all aware of it if you involved with ADHD sufferers. If you even stand up for yourself and say "shut up" all of a sudden you are the bad guy and my ex makes up whopping lies about me. They are so absurd that I actually do talk to ex about them because I can see the absolute humor in them.
For example, my husband wasn't working during our marriage but when he did get a job, he put all the money in his bank account and refused to contribute to food and household expenses. That's financial abuse. Also, at Christmas and my birthday in the last few months he gave presents to everyone but me. I got nothing and neither did my sons but his family and friends were showered with gifts. I think that is abuse. It made me feel hurt and worthless. He never wanted to have sex with me and I felt so unattractive. He blamed me for his inability to perform sexually because I was unattractive. I am not unattractive. I won't even go there.
I just sent an e-mail to my ex telling him I am going to support group for (as I was careful not to offend) women who had problems with boundaries and self esteem learning to stand up for themselves. He sent me an e-mail back that he was glad that I admitted I needed help and I had better not blame him for any of my problems. My first reaction was a little anger but then I laughed because it's the disease.
This site is a Godsend to me as a month ago everything was my fault and I was very depressed at failing at this marriage.
I hope you do find a support group in your area. I hope you keep posting because you need to keep reminding yourself that it's the disease. The Domestic Abuse Hotline person recommended a book 'Why Does He Do That' (which is gender specific and should be Why does he/she do that?) The helpline person told me that verbal abuse is all about control. Since most ADHD have low self esteem it would make sense that they would need to control their partners. One time I asked him why he always told me what a loser I was and he (remember no filter so he blurted it out) said because I think you are too good for me and I'm afraid you will leave me.
I can't tell you how I was going crazy and this site has just restored my sanity. My son is high functioning and has college degree and great relationships but he does have the hurtful characteristics at times. Even if I never see my ex again, I am sending the URL for this site to my future daughter-in-law so she can understand why my son gets so obnoxious at times. We love them though!
Much love and prayers to you.
"Do not understand"..sorry about the missprint
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"Do not understand", sorry I miss-addressed my last post. It was supposed to be for you. My, my....the more you write, the more I hear the hurt and Yes....abuse. I agree with what you said about the abuse. It's true. There might not be cuts, welts and bruises, but there certainly ARE on your heart and soul. The lack of sex and affection is hurtful, and then to get blamed for what's happening is horrible.
There are persons who embrace their ADHD, love their partners and work together to make things as workable as possible. To them, I give a great deal of respect. It's the rest of us that have gone through years of un-diagnosed, and un-treated ADHD with co-morbid things attached (as well as poor coping mechanisms) that have had so many ill effects.
I respect the fact that you can help your daughter-in-law also. She will have a GREAT FRIEND in you. I can hear you love your son dearly, and with you both, I think he'll be much better off. :)
Wishing you and your family well, Prayers to you and Hugs.
Dede
Yes
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
He sent me an e-mail back that he was glad that I admitted I needed help and I had better not blame him for any of my problems. My first reaction was a little anger but then I laughed because it's the disease.
<<<<
Sounds like my H who has similar issues....ADHD, OCD and an Axis II Cluster B Personality Disorder. He wants me to see a therapist, but he insists, "don't talk about me, only talk about yourself and your issues. Don't blame me." lol When I have gone to a T, they have just said, "you do too much for him," or "you're co-dependent". H hates it that T's tell me that.
OW, talking to her H
Submitted by AlmaVera on
"He wants me to see a therapist, but he insists, 'don't talk about me, only talk about yourself and your issues. Don't blame me.' "
(Later at OW's house)
OW: "OK, honey, I did what you said. I went to see my therapist and I only talked about myself and my issues."
OW's H: (rubbing his hands together in evil glee) "Good! I'll bet he told you all kinds of stuff, didn't he?"
(I figured he'd have some evil glee here, from what I've read)
OW: (smiles sweetly) "Oh, yes, he did! He told me that my main 'issue' is that I'm married to someone who acts like an a**hole."
*End scene*
lololol
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Too funny...and too likely to be true!!!