When reality dawns

I finally see clearly the dynamics in this quote from Melissa:  "ADHD creates many challenges in a relationship, particularly if the ADHD is untreated or undertreated.  But it's not just ADHD symptoms - the other spouse's response to the those symptoms is equally important in how you get along.  Part of the reason your relationship has gotten worse over the years is because your reactions have become faster and more emotional."

This is my 29th year of marriage.  I have spent the past 3 years putting on the emotional brakes. I have specifically spent the past year getting away - as much as possible - from the symptom-response-response cycle.  I have specifically spent the past year trying to undo the parent/child relationship into which our  marriage had evolved.

There is so much involved in getting to the place of deciding to end a marriage.  

The family dynamic?  Well, I guess it never really was what I thought.  

Dividing our assets?  I do not want a 'war of the roses', and yet I am also not just willing to walk away.  

My daughter adores her Dad - as she should, and  she is married and no longer lives in this house.

My son - he lives here.  He is looking for a house to buy and move into soon.  

My deadline - it was January 28th - 3 years.  It came and went and he did not acknowledge it.  It is MY deadline.  It is MY boundary for enough is enough.  It is impossible to declare independence without making a huge family disruption - I am not sure I can bear carrying the brunt of it.  

I am realizing that I was like a child who misbehaved to get attention - negative attention was better than none.  Intimacy was a subconscious bargaining chip. I did not purpose to with-hold intimacy to punish him.  However, in hindsight, I see it did get his attention when several weeks had gone by without it.  Then on went the pursuit. He would brush my hair.  Or rub my back.  Or snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie with me.   And I knew, as soon as we had any intimacy, I would be at the beginning of the horrible cycle.....being ignored until the desire for intimacy with me was built up again.   What a horrible cycle.  Sick.  Dysfunctional.  Disappointing.  

This is not where I wanted to steer my relationship.  About 6 months ago, in my Christian faith, I totally gave my spouse to the Lord for care taking. . . .I did my best not to nag, or argue, or bring up anything that was conflict.  Believe me, my relationship to my spouse since has been all fluff, as everything in our life is conflict.  

How much tension is around here?  Here is a current  example:  We have a 100 hours available on our DVR.  I watch what I record, then delete it.  There are 3 adults who live in our house.  My son and husband want to record the Olympics - - - lots of hours, but do-able.  The State of the Union address was recorded for my spouse.  He watched it. I asked if he was finished with it.  It was a trip on eggshells for me to ask,  but it was an easy question.  He blew a gasket, and has been ranting for the past few days already. "100 hours on there and I can't even have 90 minutes?  Who has all the other stuff?  Why did you even have to ask?  Why can't you just leave my 90 minutes alone?"  I told him I only wanted to know so I could protect it - - otherwise the Olympics will just record over the oldest items on the hard-drive of the DVR.  Then I left the conversation.  And he has had his hackles up ever since.

This is not a pleasant situation in which to live.