I finally see clearly the dynamics in this quote from Melissa: "ADHD creates many challenges in a relationship, particularly if the ADHD is untreated or undertreated. But it's not just ADHD symptoms - the other spouse's response to the those symptoms is equally important in how you get along. Part of the reason your relationship has gotten worse over the years is because your reactions have become faster and more emotional."
This is my 29th year of marriage. I have spent the past 3 years putting on the emotional brakes. I have specifically spent the past year getting away - as much as possible - from the symptom-response-response cycle. I have specifically spent the past year trying to undo the parent/child relationship into which our marriage had evolved.
There is so much involved in getting to the place of deciding to end a marriage.
The family dynamic? Well, I guess it never really was what I thought.
Dividing our assets? I do not want a 'war of the roses', and yet I am also not just willing to walk away.
My daughter adores her Dad - as she should, and she is married and no longer lives in this house.
My son - he lives here. He is looking for a house to buy and move into soon.
My deadline - it was January 28th - 3 years. It came and went and he did not acknowledge it. It is MY deadline. It is MY boundary for enough is enough. It is impossible to declare independence without making a huge family disruption - I am not sure I can bear carrying the brunt of it.
I am realizing that I was like a child who misbehaved to get attention - negative attention was better than none. Intimacy was a subconscious bargaining chip. I did not purpose to with-hold intimacy to punish him. However, in hindsight, I see it did get his attention when several weeks had gone by without it. Then on went the pursuit. He would brush my hair. Or rub my back. Or snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie with me. And I knew, as soon as we had any intimacy, I would be at the beginning of the horrible cycle.....being ignored until the desire for intimacy with me was built up again. What a horrible cycle. Sick. Dysfunctional. Disappointing.
This is not where I wanted to steer my relationship. About 6 months ago, in my Christian faith, I totally gave my spouse to the Lord for care taking. . . .I did my best not to nag, or argue, or bring up anything that was conflict. Believe me, my relationship to my spouse since has been all fluff, as everything in our life is conflict.
How much tension is around here? Here is a current example: We have a 100 hours available on our DVR. I watch what I record, then delete it. There are 3 adults who live in our house. My son and husband want to record the Olympics - - - lots of hours, but do-able. The State of the Union address was recorded for my spouse. He watched it. I asked if he was finished with it. It was a trip on eggshells for me to ask, but it was an easy question. He blew a gasket, and has been ranting for the past few days already. "100 hours on there and I can't even have 90 minutes? Who has all the other stuff? Why did you even have to ask? Why can't you just leave my 90 minutes alone?" I told him I only wanted to know so I could protect it - - otherwise the Olympics will just record over the oldest items on the hard-drive of the DVR. Then I left the conversation. And he has had his hackles up ever since.
This is not a pleasant situation in which to live.
I've seen many of your posts
Submitted by MFrances on
I've seen many of your posts and your responses to other posts, I'm so sorry you (and all of us) are going through this. I understand the walking on eggshells. I understand not wanting to be the one to disrupt the family. My kids are still young, I often wonder what our marriage will be like when the kids are adults. How will I feel living only with my spouse? I wish I had wise words for you and everyone else on these boards. Just know you are not alone in this difficult journey.
As always,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I doubt my own self. I do not want a divorce. I want to live by my commitment, my marriage vows.
I am angry with myself at the present time. . . . . . .
I hear your pain.
Submitted by jade21 on
I'm so exhausted, I hear your pain. I am also struggling with the decision to stay or leave. I'm at the point where I am beginning to think can I really continue to feel neglected for much longer. I don't want a divorce either. I value my marriage vows and the comittments I made. Yet, I feel so alone. I feel like I've been yelling and screaming at my husband to treat me as his wife and not his roommate. Yet he doesn't get it. I am constantly giving myself to my work, my marriage and my son. Yet, when I need something, I am a nagging b*itch. My husband basically avoids any real conversation, because of his anxiety. He just doesn't want to deal with things, so he ignores them. That leads to ignoring me. I don't know anything about my husband anymore and he doesn't know me. He can't handle the responsibilities of being a father and a husband. So our son gets all the attention he has and I am left behind. We've done the counseling thing for the last three years. He has changed a lot. He's given up drinking and porn. Yet, what I really long for, it doesn't appear he can give. I want him to be supportive to me. Yet, he is so messed up he can't give it. He doesn't even understand his own feelings. Do I stay around to see if he finally gets it, as he is still trying. Or do I cut my losses and move on. I love my husband, but I love myself too. I don't know how much I can continue to sacrifice anymore. I want my son to grow up with both of his parents together. I just want to be happy. I think that's what we all want.
Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Why oh why do they not get it? It is a redundant question. I sorta understand, but not really.
Yesterday, my spouse pushed our 24 year old son over the edge. He had gotten into my son's side of the barn - yet again. Didn't ask, and refuses to understand/accept why he should. My spouse gave our son 'what-for' because Dh cannot respect space boundaries and everything is all about him.
My spouse's side of the barn is packed to the ceiling, and stuff is virtually spilling out the doors. Thus, he has no work space in his side. So, he sees the nice big work space in my son's side and takes over. Now, you need to understand this is an ongoing thing - spouse had several times asked to use the space, then he just took over. The 2 day projects turned into 3 week projects, and my son lost out on his space. So we collectively decided that since it was impossible for Dad to respect our Son's space, he was not to use it. We tried - many many many times - to help sort out and organize and clean out my spouse's side of the barn - he just quickly fills it back up with stuff.