My husband has ADHD and other issues. Well, we just found out that someone passed away in The Bronx, 2.5 hours away from us. We both knew her from our younger years but my H was closer to her. He hasn't really kept in touch with anyone from his past since he forgets and hyperfocuses on things rather than people. Well we were both going to go to the service and he found out he has to work. It's something he can't get out of. I get very anxious when he drives in the city since he has a temper and I get nervous driving myself in the city so I knew I wasn't going alone. Well, we have a mutual friend that knows the person that died also and she may be going. He mentioned that I could ride with her. That would be fine if she weren't accident prone. So I told him I would not be comfortable with that and he got upset. He said that he wanted me there to represent him. Again I said that I didn't feel comfortable driving myself or being driven by this person because I didn't want to put my life in jeopardy, especially since I wasn't really close to the deceased. He then said, "I am asking you as a favor".
Ok, I am not tit for tat but this man has on many occasions has flat out not done what I asked as a favor and it only required calling a family member to console them and he said he was not equipped for that. I was so angry when he said that and I told him how I felt and he still didn't do it for me. He has made MANY financial mistakes after not listening to me as well as illogical decisions that have hurt our marriage even after I tell him I can see it coming. So he does what he wants at our expense all the time. I have had my share of suffering at his hand.
So a second time he said he felt bad for not being able to go and he asked if I was going and I reminded him about how I felt. He said, "Nothing is going to happen! Never mind!" and then he stormed off and left me in bed for hours alone.
I understand what a favor is. I do them for him all the time and I inconvenience myself more than he ever will in a lifetime since he often forget things and calls me to deliver them to him and things like this. I am that girl that sees him in pain and give a massage without asking, brings bfast in bed, etc. He does NONE OF THAT unless I ask of course and then with a stank attitude. So here we are, I am put in a situation where I seem so horrible because I won't rep him at a funeral for someone he didn't even keep in touch with but brings back memories for him. Mind you, he said not too long ago that there was no one in NY left for him to see or make effort to see, one being his "best friend" who he emotionally disconnected himself from since his friend sorta sided with me when I left my H for a month due to issues we were having. He is so quick to shut people out but now he wants to make me a nervous wreck either driving myself or driving with someone that may kill me. He even told me last year he didn't want me driving with this person due to her accidents.
I am feeling like maybe I should give in but then I also want to stand my ground since a favor is not a demand.
This is the second time in our marriage that he has been upset that I don't drive in the city. The first time was about 15 years ago and I ended up not going to the city but paid for it. He called me unsubmissive and disrespectful even though I was scared to death of driving.
When to give in..
Submitted by NonADHD on
My opinion, go ahead and go. Save the drama, don't use death as a bargaining chip, that could go againt you. Pay your respect, no matter what happens with your husband and don't use it to get something. Use it to your advantage and drive a little in the city. Don't be intimated by Manhatten. Your husband may be impressed whether he admits it or not.
Submitted by jennalemone on
He called you UNsubmissive. That is a GOOD thing. Please do not take that as a criticism even if he meant it to be. I have been submissive to my H for most of my life and I regret! 40 years!
Paying respects is a personal thing. YOU CANNOT SEND A PROXY (unless you are an elected official)! If you want to go, go. If not, please do not make that sacrifice of your dignity. You will not like yourself after the fact.
My H, when we were younger wanted me to "show up" FOR him at public showings! That is what your H is asking of you! He is asking YOU do his comittments FOR him so he can have the satisfaction that HE did the right thing by showing his grief by sending YOU???? You becoming nothing more than a serf for his ego. He wants to have a good feeling about his effort without putting effort into it.....sending YOU.
Now after the fact, I am ashamed of myself for being submissive and OBEYING his DIRECTIVES for me at that time. HOW ENTITLED OF HIM! How stupid and naive of me!
I personally like to drive in cities. Chicago yes. Maybe not NYC. Why not take a taxi into to city proper after driving from the outskirts to a park and ride? BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO FOR YOURSELF!!!! DO NOT FULFILL HIS WANTING YOU TO SHOW UP AS HIS PROXY! How disregarding of YOU! It will not serve any purpose except for you to feel resentment....which does not feel good.
Paying respects is a personal
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Paying respects is a personal thing. YOU CANNOT SEND A PROXY (unless you are an elected official)!
NGLM, deciding to put oneself at risk in bad traffic is also a personal thing, for which he'd be using you as proxy.
This doesnt sound ADHD generated at all, especially since he saw you were scared enough by this kind of driving situation in the past that you refused to do the drive, and and picked on you
Hope he doesnt call names again, if he doesnt get what he wants
He can pay respects, if he really wants to, by other means than showing up. There's the phone, there are flowers. A handwritten letter. Working people use them all the time.
Submitted by c ur self on
Don't fall for the quilt trip, and attempt at manipulation. Your going isn't a favor to him anyway. In my opinion if he was truly that concerned he would either take off, send flowers or a card...Just say no and please don't bring it up again. I don't know about you but the more I entertain (respond to incessant badgering) that intrusive behavior the worse it gets....that punishment they try to dole out by disappearing ( control tactic) must be ignored also, it's the same for many of us:)
Have a blessed day!
Thank you. I haven't talked
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you. I haven't talked about it again and he softened up although I know that he will file this in the back of his mind. He did mention he was going to call the deceased daughter, which he doesn't even know, but I did not even flinch. There are certain people, that if they passed away, I would definitely have made arrangements for even if uncomfortable but this was not one of those occasions. It's so funny how we do everything for them and he even called me loving, generous and kind the other day. It's bratty behavior when you don't get what you would like.
I am glad I said no since that is a whole Saturday for me and I have Fibromyalgia. The extra stress would deplete me. I must think about me for a change.
He did this a few months ago. He wanted me to fill in for his BNI Business Network Meeting at 6AM since he couldn't make it and I had no idea what to do. He said he would tell me what to do. I felt uncomfortable since I had to eat with 30 strangers and talk up his business and do a 30 second commercial for him then go to my 8 hr FT job after. So I said no. He was curt with me and said, "Never mind I will figure it out" and then he got a business associate to do it for him that does the same job he does.
It feels good saying no when I don't want to do something and I have a choice. I wouldn't go against him in any other way that would affect our family but for things that are outside the family, I should have a say. Same goes with toxic needy friends.
Oh and that disappearing act they do, storming off, it is childish and it hurts but it hurts them more since tantrums get you no where. I almost changed my mind but then I didn't want to make my Saturday miserable for ME. He doesn't go out of his way for me anyway.
I took the high road with him and still am being nice and kind, just firm. I guess I am introducing him to a new me and it is shocking to him that I am a full woman now and strong. Thank you, C.
NGLM...I here you girl!
Submitted by c ur self on
That's right let's flee the traps, Love them with all our hearts but never forget love isn't being Co-dependent...but being strong and wise, recognizing the Dysfunction and not falling prey to it....
We all have lives, so lets live them:)
My advice is don't go. Send
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
My advice is don't go. Send flowers if you can, or a card with a heartfelt note, but don't go. YOU don't want to, and YOU don't feel safe taking the only available ride. Your feelings matter too. Believe it or not. My life seems to be one big long ongoing favor that I'm doing for my husband and it is what it is. I don't mind that much most of the time, and I pick my battles very carefully. However when I DO say no, its no. Let the crapstorm come. It will pass and he will forget all about it and be badgering you for something else before you know it.
Edited to add: oops! Didn't read the whole thread before I commented, sorry! Good for you for standing your ground :)
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Last night, the woman that is accident prone that my husband wanted me to ride to the funeral with said she wasn't going. HA! All that for nothing. Thanks everyone. Glad I stuck to my guns. Love you all!
I am reading a peaceful resolution to your conflict
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I am glad this situation has worked itself out!
I have had similar situations in my past. I had often chosen the route of least resistance - and that was to do whatever it took to try to appease my spouse.
I had erroneously understood his anger to be directed at me rather than seeing it was just his response to a situation. I thought I was supposed to do what ever it would take to 'make' my spouse happy.
I learned, and continue to learn, a lot along this journey. It certainly is acceptable for me to sit back and rethink a situation. And I have every prerogative to change my mind. If I want.
It continues to be a struggle to butt out, steer clear, and let my spouse work through his own emotions. The more I do it, the easy it becomes for me. I can step back, support and encourage. I am getting better at believing that is my job as his partner in life.
Glad it all worked out for you!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
While it worked out that the other woman didn't go, so your H won't be able to later throw that in your face, you may still want to address this situation with a marital therapist.
I had a somewhat similar situation. My H's friend died and left a young widow and children. I hardly knew the widow. Every day, for WEEKS, my H would come home from work and ask me if I had called the widow that day. I was calling a couple times a week to see how she was doing, but I felt uncomfortable calling EVERYDAY for many weeks. When I would honestly tell my H, "no" about calling EVERYDAY , he would start yelling at me. Finally, I began fibbing and just saying, "yes," that I had called each day. I should NOT have had to lie just to avoid the yelling. In fact, I should have said, "you know her better than I do, so you should call." In hindsight, I should have made an appt with a couple's counselor and dealt with the situation in real time. Likely, the therapist would have told my H to stop badgering me about everyday phone calls. And, the therapist would have explored with my where all this was coming from.