When the tables are turned...

So, after spending time reading these posts, I have to thank God that we are rather blessed that despite my alphabet soup of diagnoses, we have managed to work together to make it work.  But as the ADHD spouse, I am so frustrated! 

What if the ADHD spouse is in charge of everything, and needs help, and the other person doesn't help?  I am so frustrated.  He sees my to-do list, which I keep with me at all times for jotting down things as they hit, and I'm lucky if he offers to do one or two. 

On my days off from work, I work harder at home than at work.  Running errands, working on the money management, paying bills.

His days off, he plays golf.

He always wants sex, and I have done well to make myself available to him more often, but I can take it or leave it.  I find a good massage much more relaxing and enjoyable.  Sex should be fun, shouldn't it?  There is nothing fun about sex in our house.  There's not much fun in my spouse.

We have three children, two of which have ADHD and GAD, one is special needs and has had 20 surgeries to date, and is graduating high school.  We're praying that the ADHD misses the baby.  So far, so good.  The older two have a psychiatrist, a psychologist/therapist and we attend family counseling when we can get my husband in to join us.  Things have gotten markedly better, and he is doing better, but I am tired.

When I delegate something to him, it usually ends up that I have to take it back up again if I actually want it done.

Money management brings me to tears at least once weekly, I HATE the chore.  And I'm not very good at it.  But I can't get him to help.  I can't even get him to enter his own receipts in a prompt manner so that I can keep track of things, or stick to the budget.  I ask for input on the budget, but he just tells me whatever I do will be fine.  What if I take it all and sneak off with the pool man to Jaimaica?!?!?!  Okay, well, the lacking skills and organization I can learn, but isn't this supposed to be a group project when you are married?

If it wasn't for God's strength and my kids' smiles to get me through the days, I'm sure I'd be institutionalized by now!!

Anybody have any clues on how I can encourage him to participate?  Besides the Divine intervention we are already praying for?  ;o)

 

Time for a Serious Talk

Has your husband given you any reasons why he thinks he should be above helping out with the household?  Or does he just think it's women's work?  Find some things that won't put you in a crisis if they don't get done right away, then sit down and have a serious talk with him about how his attitude about your role in the house is exhausting you - time for him to step up to the plate and start acting like a responsible adult.  Perhaps the laundry?  The dishes?  Perhaps some of those errands?  (Give him a list and send him off.)  Give him a range of choices, and let him pick some items and make them his own.  Then, don't comment on how or when he does the stuff.  Eventually, it will get done (no clean underwear or no clean dishes become problems after a time.)  Also, get your kids to help out, too.  They need to learn "taking care of themselves" skills, too.

Though you hate the finances, I generally don't suggest giving that up when they are getting taken care of well because having bill paying fall through the cracks can be a real problem.  Once your husband has gotten used to the idea that he needs to carry his own weight you can talk with him about taking on that job.

Stand up for yourself and stop enabling the selfish behavior!  Don't let them get away with making you the household slave just because they feel it's more convenient.

Then, to sweeten the pot, see if you can also schedule some "fun" time together.  Perhaps you're not having fun right now because you're too busy too, rather than that your husband isn't a fun guy (which is how I read your post - I may have misinterpreted).

Be prepared - your pushing back is likely to be unpopular (why work hard when you don't have to?).  My husband agreed to take over the dishes after I put my foot down, but it took a few weeks of my ignoring stacks before he got the swing of "owning" the chore without expecting me to pick up after him.  Now he's great with it and does much, much more.

Good luck with it!  You sound as if you need - and deserve - a break.