When they judge my kid

I think the worst thing of all is seeing people judge the special needs and ADD kids in my life. Teachers or friends and even family who say Oh he's just lazy or he is just undisciplined. Its like they refuse to see a disability they want to just assume that you're a bad kid. I went through this growing up and it hurt so much to be told that I was a naughty little girl for things that I couldn't control or understand. I don't want that for my kids or my nephew. Its crippling emotionally to grow up being treated like you're a bad kid for not being normal or prefect. It gets the momma bear in me going and then I am too upset and angry to respond properly. Every school year am I going to have to educate another teacher? How do you get it into people's heads that this is a disability and not choosing to be naughty?

Most people don't understand what ADD really is...

I am ashamed to admit I used to think ADD was just an excuse for bad behavior. I did not get diagnosed until age 43 and now I understand just how much those comments hurt and lead to coping mechanisms that I am still trying to get rid of two plus years later. I believe my DD#2 is just like me, except she has the "H" which I do not have and I am doing my best to help her through moments with explanations and ways to deal with things based on my experience as a child. I don't want her to grow up thinking any of the things that uneducated people will try to label her with.

It's good for you to be that Momma Bear because you know what child is going through. Believe me, if I ever hear a derogatory comment fired off at one of my girls it's going to be a bad day for That person ;)

I wish I had known what made me think the way I did as a child, but now I do and I can help my child Not Ever believe she is not Normal. What's "Normal" anyway, right? By the way, my DD#2 thinks fart jokes are funny too ;)

 

YYZ

I agree

It is frustrating when those we love or care about are mislabled and treated differently because of an off the cuff opinion.  Unfortunately I've been guilty of it many times myself, though it wasn't regarding an individual with ADD but some other disability or difference that I didn't understand.  I think if we are all honest at some point we've thought lesser of someone because of their behavior when we didn't understand what was driving it.

It makes me angry when someone slights my kids when they are in a position of teaching and helping them grow.  I expect more of those who volunteer their lives to the art of teaching our youth.  

I should also expect more of myself and my DD kids.  Who better to help  them understand what to expect out of life.  Reality tells me that regardless of ADD there are no breaks, exceptions or easy roads.  Regardless of how many I catch mis-judging them I'll never catch them all (though I'd like to :).  I definitely have to teach them but what is the best lesson?

That their normal?  I stuggle with this because truth is they aren't normal they are unique and different than the majority.  Truth is they have a condition that will provide them many strengths and weaknesses that when embraced lay a foundation for a good life.  Maybe I have to teach them that no matter how hard they try to change people's perception they can never avoid being misjudged.  Why expend a life's worth of effort changing people's perception?  Rather learn to accept who you are and what you are capable of being.  Learn that only through love of self can you love others.  Learn that it hurts to be judged by your cover and seek out those willing to read the inside.  Learn that quality isn't about not making mistakes but rather learning from every opportunity.

I've struggle with this the most in my own life.  I am 30 years old found out I had ADD at 16 and tried homeopathic remedies until I was 25 (worked when I was single and no other responsibilities outside myself).  I've treated consistenly like YYZ for the last years and have seen vast improvements in my abilities.  I realize that I still haven't accepted who I am.  Part of me still holds on to the belief that I can out think ADD.  Logic, information and years worth of experience tell me I am stupid to think I can do this but I struggle knowing I will always be forgetful.  Knowing that no matter how many reminders and systems I have in place to help me stay on top of it all I will miss something.  What I will teach myself and my kids is to embrace who they are and what they are capable of doing.  Because I haven't accepted it fully I still react emotionally and defensively which is completely detrimental to progress.  If I had accepted ADD and it's relevance in my life I wouldn't have a hard time accepting responsibility when it has an impact on those I care about.

*Shrugs*

It never goes away...

Probably the most deflating thing to know in all the reading and posting I've done in the last 2.5 years is that the ADD is always there. The meds suppress it pretty well while in my system, but it always starts sneaking back into play. There are days when I wonder if the meds are working at all. At least we know what to look for in it's symptoms. There is no "Normal", so I guess ADD is how I'm not normal. I wish I knew what it was 30 years ago, because the way so many things played out are SO easily explained. No point in crying over the spilled milk, though... I'm better now and my focus is on my kids and family. I think we are all better off than we were before.

I certainly used to judge people on there actions and knew as little about ADD as the ones who judged me or might judge my DD#2 (Un-diagnosed officially) and better not utter an ugly hurtful word in my presence ;)

One of the worst things, after the relief of knowing my condition was not just a weak minded, selfish, oblivious guy, was how my actions/in-actions have hurt so many. I am and will try to make things better for myself and my family, that's all I can really do. It sounds like you are doing good work for yourself. Keep it up!

YYZ

Judging vs. Communicating

Sorry, I am a teacher, and I have to take a stance here.  Teachers today are highly educated in ADHD as well as other learning disabilities.  I do not judge children with differences and do not know any colleague who does.  HOWEVER, I do inform and communicate observable behaviors to parents constantly.  These are OFTEN messages that do not want to be heard or accepted by parents.  As a matter of fact, many parents that I've communicated with over these behaviors battle me, ignore me, or blame me.  Sound familiar?  These actions do not ever help a child.  

In addition, teachers see interactions among children and how your child may be viewed socially.  As a teacher, it is painful to watch these interactions on a daily basis for some kids who struggle with social skills.  When we see your child interact, we see how it is viewed on the other side of the coin.  Without help from all sides, many children with ADHD struggle immensely in social situations.

Just remember, teachers have your child's best interest at heart, and they are experts in their field.  If they try to deliver a difficult message, respect them for being honest with you and truly trying to help your child.

 

Not to get too far off of

Not to get too far off of topic, but I have a son who is low-functioning autistic and although there are FAR more teachers and educators who are accepting and understanding of him, there have been a few at each school he has ever been at that ARE NOT. His aide used to have to use the teacher's lounge for 3 minutes a day to heat his lunch (microwave) and during this short period of time one day he belched and a female teacher made an extremely derogatory comment IN FRONT OF HIM (he isn't stupid NOR deaf) and made it clear she was utterly disgusted by his behavior. He f**king belched! If I hadn't been sworn to say nothing (to avoid getting his aide in trouble) I would have taken that woman's head off. It was handled...I was assured...but my child has faced more judgment and ridicule from teacher than he EVER has from students...hands down!

summerwine's picture

Thank you for completely

Thank you for completely invalidating and dismissing my feelings and experiences without knowing anything about me or my experiences on a support forum. NOT. Maybe you can explain why my kid's teacher still hasn't even looked at his 501 plan in NOVEMBER and thinks that is Sensory Processing Disorder is just an excuse to throw tantrums?

My post...

I did not say anything and certainly did not intend any of my comments to be aimed at teachers. I have two sisters which teach and have the utmost respect for the teaching profession.

Hopefully your comments were not aimed at my post.

YYZ

 

summerwine's picture

Just got back from yet a

Just got back from yet a meeting with the teacher, vice principal and the counselor. It only took 2 months to get a meeting! This time I brought an advocate to speak for me who wouldn't be as emotionally involved. Another ADHD forum suggested I do that and I'm glad I did. Sure enough I was the only person who knew what was on the 501 plan it's like they never even looked at it. Teacher kept complaining that my kid is immature and silly. It seems this lady who says she is knowledgeable about ADHD doesn't know about the 30% rule when it comes to ADHD kids! I had to go over it with them again and again grrr!OH and even though it's in his plan and recommended by our doctor and ADHD coach she doesn't want him to have fidget toys because it will make the other kids jealous. Who cares if my kid doesn't learn a thing and school is hell, the other kids might want a squishy ball too! NO understanding that hyperactivity doesn't have to be symptom of ADHD and no understanding of how hyperactivity doesn't mean bouncing off the walls, it can mean needing a fidget toy! She kept trying to paint my kid as silly and goofy. Deliberately attention seeking by blurting things out. Uh hello do you not know what ADHD IS? WE wasted about 20 minutes trying to make them understand that SPD is a real thing and common in kids with ADHD and AS. Yes, that means that when he starts "acting up" during free time in class it's due to over stimulation. He can't handle the noise and movement. The bright lights at school are hard enough for him. I wish I had the money to put him in a MOntessori school. I'm tired of my kids coming home from school, the babysitter and my mom's house having been punished and told they are bad for things the struggle to control. It's not acceptable to call my kid a clown in front of everyone. She wouldn't even admit that it's not okay to do that. UGH!

Can you ask for an aide to be

Can you ask for an aide to be with him during the day? I wonder what the policy is for that? I would become one of those parents that sends in materials to the teacher to "oh, by the way, did you see this article on adhd?" and, "oh, thought I would send you this scientific study about classrooms and adhd" and "here are some suggestions from professionals about dealing with adhd children in the classroom" - they need to be educated and then you need to be on him to try to help him help himself in class too. Maybe get a counselor to talk to him about things he can do when he "feels" himself getting over stimulated. Our adhd counselor had wonderful suggestions and techniques to help our son in the classroom. Instead of a squishy toy - maybe something less "kid friendly" perhaps a rubberband on his wrist to play with under his desk where she can't see it. I have found I need to take care of my children regardless of what the school offers. We have a private tutor one time a week becuse I know our teacher is not going to help him with what he needs. She doesnt have time and doesnt want to be bothered.... Make lemonade.

Are you in the USA? If so,

Are you in the USA? If so, you've got a possible lawsuit on your hands...this is BS, and illegal. I have never heard of a 501 plan, my son has an IEP and has an aide with him the entire time he is at school that is solely FOR HIM. When I request a meeting, they are required by law to meet with me within 2 weeks of my request. Not only that, they are required to have an IEP in place and follow it to the letter. I told them I wanted him to have an aide and didn't give them a choice...by law, they have to provide him with one. SOOO many things wrong with your post that just set me on fire. I actually insisted my son be moved from his home based school (the one in our district) to another school when he was younger because he had a teacher with this kind of attitude. NO WAY IN HELL my son would spend another minute in the classroom of someone who was this ignorant. I am so sorry...I can't imagine dealing with that.

summerwine's picture

a 501 plan is like Canada's

a 501 plan is like Canada's version of a IEP. We are in a rural town and there just aren't any aides and there aren't any other schools either. There's a Montessori school and tutors in the city but it's over a hour away.

summerwine's picture

Sorry that 504 not 501 lol

Sorry that 504 not 501 lol this is what happens when I type fast on my phone!