When we finally seem to be communicating....Grrr @&%#!!!

"I can't get my partner to listen to me and understand things from my point of view."
"If my partner only understood things through my eyes, he or she would then change and do things my way."

Exactly how I feel - though I know it's not true in reality that someone will change if they realize your point of view on certain things.

I can't help feeling this way after 2 years our communication doesn’t seem to work itself out for the better part of our time together. I envy that in some relationships I see everyday the communication just flows between the couple and I want it to be that way for me and the guy I love.

I do know that there are things about him that I would not trade the world for and then there are things about the ADD that make me want to drop a planet on his head at times so he'll wake up and stop repeating the same crap over & over again, even though I DO know some of the repeats may be out of control.

I HATE ADD!!!
I love him!

But at times the characteristics that stem from the ADD make me feel like I hate him at times and it is difficult to differentiate the ADD actions from the non-ADD actions.

We have spurts of good and sometimes even 'Great' days of communication between us where nothing could make us falter and then out of no where, unexpected for some reason someone 'seems' to have a tone or throws out an attitude that was not 'intended' to sound that way, however non-the-less still came across that way. Then one of us proceeds to get highly offended regardless if was an intentional tone or not inevitably leading to a battle only the strong at heart can survive.

It leaves me screaming inside my head "what's the deal with us?" why can't our communication stay on track? I am aware my fiance has ADD and I am also aware that I am a control freak - in order for me to live happily I need a quiet, routine existence which is the life I lived for the most part before I met my fiance. This leave room for disaster from the start and I think after two years I've only realized that part recently which could be for the better but also makes me realize a lot of scary things that could happen in my future.

If there was ever 'a rock & a hard place' I think fighting to refine a relationship that struggles with ADD/ADHD is it - for me at least. Trying to keep the communication flowing feels like a full time job in itself most of the time and it gets exhausting and discourages me mentally when we have a few short days a good communication and then it all falls apart again...

Counseling would be great on a weekly basis if we weren't young and broke, he goes once monthly and I go with him which seems to help us smooth things over the days following our monthly appointment but it's not enough. In order to keep that flow we would need to be go weekly. It's like maintaining a garden it seems - once you forget to water it for week the flowers start to wilt, they come back to life with a little water every few weeks but honestly it's not a way to live when I know we could have it better and we should. It is frustrating not being able to do more about it which I know would help us. We REALLY need to learn new ways of communication that work with one another and stick to implementing them consistently.


I've been reading Melissa's book over the past 4 weeks, trying to pace myself in order to fully understand each step before moving to the next one. I figure this way, I can put my full concentration into one step at a time and give myself a little time in between to watch how we implement the steps into our relationship and if they are working for us. So far everything we have read my fiance has said there is nothing he has read that is not 100% true of himself - this sent fear and relief through me all at once. I'm only half way through the book though I do feel it is a mgaic wand of sorts helping us to see that we are not 'nuts' in what we are experiencing from either side and it is helping us to put new perspective into some things.

The communication has a loooooooooooooooooooooong way to go, we get upset with each other at least 4 out of the 7 days a week and 2 or 3 of those lead into blow outs of proportional size....I'm hoping this lessens as we find more methods and help for communication & ADD in relationships.

One thing I know for sure,

One thing I know for sure, after spending 6 horrible years doing battle...fighting is a choice. Getting angry is OK...fighting in "blowout proportions" isn't. Even when I feel with 100% of my being that I am right in a situation, I still walk away and don't fight. It did not get us anywhere for 6 years (except an almost destroyed marriage, him, cheating, us separating, resentment, etc) and it will not EVER resolve anything. I can honestly say we've resolved more issues by walking away, refusing to fight, NO MATTER WHAT, than we ever did by fighting and 'going for the jugular'. IT DOES NOT WORK. You have to stop it or you will, at the very least, be very unhappy in your relationship with him. This is where I would start. Then I would work on communication.

What I have learned is that once putting an end to the fighting becomes a priority, other things start to work better as a bonus. There are subjects that I literally have to pick the absolute optimum time to even approach certain subjects (money is the one that comes to mind right off the bat)...and another key thing that has worked for me is that I make my point and then I let it go. He hurts my feelings...if I feel it is even worth mentioning I will say "that really hurt my feelings, I wish you would do that" and NO MATTER WHAT HIS RESPONSE is, I let it go. Sometimes he has no filter. He might immediately get defensive and that's OK. He heard me...and 9 times out of 10 he will either say nothing at the time but come later and apologize. Sometimes he doesn't acknowledge my comment at all, but I know he doesn't have a hearing problem, he heard what I said, there is really nothing more I can say to make my point so I just let it go. Honestly, this works so much better and his 'hurtful' ways have grown less and less.

If he misinterprets something I say (as he is doing now..been 'in a mood' since Sunday because of it) I will try and explain, keeping it very simple, that he misunderstood and then NO MATTER WHAT HIS RESPONSE is, I let it go. I have had to learn that he won't change his mind about anything until he's ready..if he is every ready. He admits to taking something small and making something huge of it in 2 seconds..but also says after a few days he can make the 'something huge' small again just as fast. Our counselor told me that this isn't my issue to work on, it isn't up to me to fix it or feel sorry for him, but to just let him 'hash it out' in his "fascinating ADD mind".

So, stop trying to over communciate your feelings to him..keep it simple. Stop trying to 'fix' it everytime he misinterprets your facial expression, the way you breath (yes, he'll ask 'why did you breath like that?'), or your comments. You won't change his mind, it'll only escalate as you both get frustrated, and it solves nothing. Tell him he was wrong in the way he interpreted you, keeping it very simple, and let it go. Unless it is life shattering, keep the 'serious' conversation (about finances, lack of communication, etc) to a minimum and just try and enjoy being together...even if all you're discussing is the weather. If you know he's in a 'mood' then give him space. The more you insist he text, call, or communicate the more he'll probably resist.

I would insist on some professional counseling for you BOTH..together. You've got just as much hard work ahead of you as he does. If you don't (can't) accept him 'as he is' then you are going to end up bitter and angry. You also need to figure out a way to have 'peace' in your life, as a self-proclaimed control freak, when being with someone whose #1 goal is to avoid being 'controlled'. That is a recipe for disaster. He'll struggle to live up to your standards and you'll grow to resent him more and more when he doesn't.

 

 

ebb and flow's picture

This is very good advice...

This is very good advice... Thank you!

I also cannot communicate with my ADD partner very well, at all. The frequency of arguments listed above sounds about right for us too! (the blow outs too)

It's very hard to not "get into it" when they're pushing you... I find the "letting go" part very difficult! It's like you want them to get it, see it from your point of view, see that you didn't mean it 'that way', see that you meant well, see this, see that... etc. Or even trying to understand his over dramatic reactions to most things... He tries to explain it but I can never understand why he would react so insecurely or anxiously, etc.

I really feel all the failed attempts to communicate over the years have just destroyed every last bit of compassion, patience and humility I have inside towards him. (maybe not all, but most)    :(

When I stop and just pull myself back, away from the whole situation, I can see how little empathy I feel for him most days and I can see how if I would just humble myself a little, maybe it wouldn't be a fight... maybe I could just "let it go" and let him deal with the issue 'on his own'.

But that is so hard when you're under 'attack'. You just want to put you're shields up and explain yourself, if needed!

I wish I could be him for a day so I could understand why he acts the way he does...

Every word you said is 100%

Every word you said is 100% on key and matches every thought that has crossed my mind as I've gone through all of this.  When writing what I did on the forum I was seeking thoughts exactly as you have been kind enough to explain, in hopes that it would shed some light on something and I think I might be better at making attempts to try what you have explained.

It is not easy for me to walk away from arguments when I know I am right, especially when family & friends see/hear what I do when they are present and they proceed to ask me why I don't go find something that would make me happier sooner rather than wait several years for someone to 'try' to be 'the guy' I need in my life that he claims he wants to be - yet takes 2 steps backwards after each step forward intentionally or unintentionally - it hurts just the same either way. 

As dumb as it may sound, the other part is that I don't want to seem like I am giving in too much so he mistakes everything he does that hurts me as 'ok' or not relevant because I don't react resulting in him repeating those same actions over because there was no consequence.  - it really scares me to think that he could repeat things and I could keep getting hurt because I did not make it VERY clear how offensive his actions and words are at times. 

Anyway, I'll try to implement what you are explaining as it makes complete sense to me and I hope it works. 

On the up side, being we are both aware how much we struggle with this in our relationship and we are also aware that there is little in the way of 'live support' groups around our area we have come together on this matter and started to be our own advocate. We recently formed an organization The AD|HD Family Support Group. 

We find there is a lot of online support & information but when it comes to really getting the support that really works it's about meeting with those who understand the struggle and being able to talk it over, share thoughts, express challenges & hurt & anger and accomplishments in a safe environment where everyone is there for the same reason and can relate and possibly even see what we as people may not be seeing in our own relationships.  It's new and we are meeting and it is going well and our hope is to over time, work more together and fight less by learning through our peers what can be done differently to make things work and to hopefully find new ways to make the broken parts of our relationship better,though my confidence in this is quite shot.  but i still want my support group to work for us and for others.

I'll be keeping your response in my wallet as a reminder as I find myself in moments of defeat.  I guess I feel no one should have to deal with this type of thing.  It's not fair and I just want a normal relationship, one w/o so much hassle.

 

As adults, our most valuable

As adults, our most valuable lessons are those in which the consequences are us feeling remorse and empathy. You say you want him to 'feel' consequences when he hurts you, yet he's feeling NOTHING but anger and resentment and frustration towards you as you work so dilligently (fighting with him) to make him feel bad. Resolution comes from his feeling remorseful for what he's done. You two fighting 60% of the time does NOT motivate him to feel anything but more anger and more frustration. Think about it. #1 it is NOT working. #2 he probably hears NOTHING you say during an argument except 'you're a loser' 'you're not good enough' 'you can't do anything right'. It is like fighting with someone who speaks a completely different language. Lord help me, I KNOW. Best I can figure, there is a point where their minds just completely shut down...void of all ability to hear and think and process...and after that point you're just spewing negative energy at a wall (one that happens to be able to spew back). I am not kidding...when my husband is defensive (happens within SECONDS sometimes) it is like every.single.thing.I.say is taken so far out of the context in which I meant it that I am literally standing there stunned. Again...removing myself from the job of "convincing" him he was wrong..took it wrong..and just saying "I didn't mean it the way you're taking it..and I don't want to argue with you about it" CALMLY and then dropping it. What does it accomplish when you don't drop it? A fight?

His consequences have to come from within HIM..you cannot inflict the kind of consequences on him that will matter in the long run. Sure, you can be mad and avoid him and ignore him if he hurts your feelings, but what does that change? In his mind, once you 'are nice again' then all is forgiven, life is back to normal, and he probably does not even remember what he did or why you were mad. On the other hand...if you say "I don't feel loved by you when you do that..it really hurts" and trust that he has enough brain cells to HEAR you and leaving him with that tiny bit of information to process versus 4 hours of screaming and yelling..which do you think he'll be more apt to develop sympathy for?

Believe me, I know how you feel...it took a LOT for me to be able to let go of the anger and just decide to deal with things in a way that were better for ME. I spent many years INSISTING that he hear me, validate my feelings, understand and sympathize with me...and all he saw was a nag. I didn't want him to stop spending money because it was causing me to lose sleep, I just simply wanted to control him!! The nerve of me!! I could say  "please, honey, when you spend money without discussing it with me, it really causes me a lot of stress and I can't sleep. I'm worried all the time about being able to afford the bills, keeping the bank account from being overdrawn, etc. Please just discuss it with me before you use your debit card" and he would say "you're right, I have a problem. I'm sorry" and walk right out the door and take out $100 without mentioning ANYTHING to me. I cussed, I begged, I cried...I screamed, yelled, bitched, nagged, pleaded, and we discussed it 1000 times in counseling. Tried setting limits...giving cash to carry and him promising to not use his debit card..NOTHING worked. Even after our reconciliation, his spending didn't stop. It got worse. I took his debit card. He gave it willingly. That was 6 months ago...and problem is 90% resolved. I can pretty much bet that 50% of the time when he has to take my card for some reason he will spend something he didn't discuss with me...so I make sure I do not let him carry my card if at all humanly possible and get it back from him ASAP. He is far more cooperative now, admitting he cannot control himself, since I stopped nagging him about it and decided to come at it with a different approach. Do I say anything to him now when he spends without asking? No. Damage is done, I can pretty much expect it if he has my card...and he doesn't spend large amounts anyway. This would have never been resolved had I not motivated him to WANT me to be happier, to NOT want to cause me stress..to CARE about my well being and feelings...by just simply stopping the fighting and treating him like an adult. (for the most part...a 'tricky/different' kind of adult)

Sherri

 

 

 

Again you make complete sense

Again you make complete sense and it certainly helps to receive guidance from experience of this type of struggle. To clarify, I do not 'want' him to feel bad - How I wrote it is not how I wanted it to be understood - better put:

"As dumb as it may sound, the other part I 'fear' is that I don't want him to mistake me walking away 'too often' as ignoring everything or that I am 'ok with being hurt as often as I am with his careless ways' - it is not a way to live and things DO need to be worked on.

This 'meant' I simply have moments in which I get scared to 'let go and walk away' in fear that if I do little to counter act a bad action for the 20th hurtful reoccurrence, that it might continue and I could keep placing myself in a situation to get hurt over and over again.

This does not mean that I 'want' him to feel bad.

I'm sure that he does not 'want' me to feel bad from his actions, however it does not change that is hurts just as much when it happens as often as it does. You think it would get easier because I would get used to it after so many times, yet it hurts a little more each time he is careless - maybe it is my mistake for caring about us too much - I don't know.


And you are right in: Think about it. #1 it is NOT working. #2 he probably hears NOTHING you say during an argument except 'you're a loser' 'you're not good enough' 'you can't do anything right'.

Because after the years I've been with him, I am - to date - unfortunately that angry, upset, hurt, tangled and mentally exhausted with how my life has changed so dramatically in a negative way since I met him. That is usually not the case in most happy relationships who are on their way to getting married and because of everything negative that has been present in our relationship, I can't bring myself to plan what should be the happiest part of our life because I'm too scared that my future will be showing itself to me as the past with him has.

Maybe we should not have agreed to engagement when we did, though at that time in our relationship problems could be forgiven, forgotten and moved on from - now it's too long into the running for so many repeated careless actions to be forgiven as easily as they were previously. I've been awaken to the fact that I am always going to be on this end of things unless I take action to change it - it's just what action to take....

Leave?

Find someone w/o ADD and screen the hell out of them to make sure?

Try to keep working on it now and the rest of my life going forward in hopes it will change for the positive - even if it never seems to get as good as I hope it would and remain overly exhausted from it all?

Take it day by day knowing in the back of my mind that taking it day by day does not erase the damage that is already there which will not make my mind dormant to my fears of the future with him?


I don't plan to marry him until this relationship is one that I 'would' want to spend the rest of my life in - that I am aware of. But in the interim that would mean waiting to see 'if' it will change over how many years rather than pursuing what I know I could have sooner than later if I went out to find it again on my own - But again I love him and that rock & hard place appear again.

THIS IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM: In his mind, once you 'are nice again' then all is forgiven, life is back to normal, and he probably does not even remember what he did or why you were mad.

I agree with; "I don't feel loved by you when you do that..it really hurts" and trust that he has enough brain cells to HEAR you and leaving him with that tiny bit of information to process versus 4 hours of screaming and yelling..

I just need to get back to who I was before I met him, when I was able to walk away from just about anything. After knowing him its turned me into a raving lunatic and my family doesn't even know who I am because of it. They know who I was before and who I have turned into since.

One thing I have learned early enough is that he & I will never share a bank account. I already do the accounting for both of us and over the past two years he has been a fairly straight since I've been teaching him how to handle finances w/ more structure and he has thanked me millions for it. He still has financial problems keeping up and remembering to pay bills but he has showed GREAT improvement and has some lingering work to prove he doesn't need hand holding with it anymore.

My question is since you seem to have mastered what works well for you and it would seem what you explain could work for me (I will certainly take it on as mentoring) do you ever find yourself feeling as if you are not standing up for yourself and what you know you deserve from an equal partner? One that should be able to take care of you as much as you are able to take care of him? That is my main issue - I feel like a 'parent' rather than an equal 'partner' more often than not which gets in theway of how I feel about marriage to him.

It is hard for me to answer

It is hard for me to answer because your issue that you keep dealing with, without resolution, is probably completely different than the ones I used to deal with that had no resolution..EVER. We fought over the same thing a gazillion times and it was really rare that anything ever changed enough to matter. It really does depend on what the battles are over and finding ways to compromise so that you're both happy.

The only thing I feel for sure is that my horrible reaction and our destructive ways of handling our problems in our marriage made things worse and CREATED bad behaviors that might not have actually occured otherwise. I think the fighting itself creates a lot of undesirable feelings and once this issue is resolved and better ways of dealing with the disappointment are discovered then some of the issues might resolve themselves. Ex... my husband used to go out with friends a LOT..and I hated it..felt like he'd rather be single and that I was just standing in the way of what he really wanted. This resolved itself when the marriage changed and the fighting stopped. He has 'band night' once a week and occasionally does other stuff with his friends..but he does NOT abuse it and that makes all the difference in the world. Before, he didn't care the consequences he just HAD to get out and get away from our horrible home life...always saying he was so sorry and would never do it again (stay out all night, drink and drive and wreck his truck on the way home, stay out until very late) and literally days later he was gone again.

Anyway...I won't pry into your specifics...that is just an example of one of our problems that seemed to me like we would never find a resolution for. We fought mostly over his daughter and our parenting differences with her and that situation resolved itself when he finally realized, after many LOOONG years of him making me feel like a monster and defending her no matter how wrong she was, that I was not the problem. She is 18 now and has moved out. That took a huge burden off of our marriage. Another issue I never thought would resolve itself. I honestly believe the reason he finally saw the light was because I finally let go of the anger. I stopped fighting with her too..and poured everything I had into her and trying to be what we both felt she needed me to be...and when she betrayed me in a huge way he finally saw that it wasn't me who wasn't trying.

I do not feel that I am not equal to him..not in the least. As a matter of fact, I feel more in control of my own life and my own happiness now that I have learned to quit letting his ADD control me. You have to change your whole enitre mindset and realize that you're not going to 'win' in the 'normal' ways in these relationships. You win by not letting their ADHD make you a bitter and angry human being. You win by understanding that there is more to gain by walking away and encouraging a loving environment than there is by fighting for half of your life with the intent of 'making them see things your way'. They see things their way...unless they are motivated by love and compassion to see them yours. Fighting does not bring this about. Stating your feelings in a very calm way...making the point you need to make in one short sentence instead of many long hours...and then letting it go is far more effective. I get that you're worried that you'll look like his doormat or that he'll think "oh well, she's not getting mad and fighting with me because I did XX, so I'll just do XX more"...I GET it...been there, done that, lived that hellish life for 6 long years. Truth is...you're not getting through to him by fighting. Any chance you have of envoking change in him, is going to be done through his heart...not by yelling in his ears. Show him that you love him and respect your relationship with him enough to stop the destruction. Let him know that you love him, even though you don't always love some of the things he does. Pick your battles. When the relationship is more peaceful, then try and work out compromises. It is a very hard process...and it will not be easy...but nothing will ever change if you don't make some changes in your reactions to him.

Is he capable/willing to admit that he has faults and does hurtful things...even if he doesn't seem capable of changing them? Did you say? Is he on meds?

 

 

 

 

 

Such a dilemma and hard to give up on marriage

After 30 yrs. together, 28 married, I finally asked my husband to get help for his anger cause I couldn't take it anymore.  He said "or what", several times till I finally said "or we can't stay together".  He packed and left that morning.  He went very slowly towards the end, as if he wanted me to stop him.  I finally said, "Can't you work on your temper?  I've done everything I could to change what you didn't like about me?"  He finally cried very hard (that never happens) and said "Do you think I like being this way?  You've done everything you should but I can't change.  You deserve better."  He left and I called him twice that weekend to see if he was OK.  He was drinking his sorrows.  I didn't go see him cause felt I had to make a point that I couldn't take his temper (we'd been going to counseling, (him 4 times then stopped, me for a year) and the therapist thought I should demand respect.  He'd been verbally abusive since the day we married.

We've been separated a yr. and 2 months now and I can't bring myself to file for divorce.  In spite of the way he's treated me I still love him and see the good part about him.  His anger is not just directed at me...they've called security at an airport cause he cussed out an agent, he got sent to prep school for hitting his mother...he's always had a temper and was diagnosed ADHD way back in early 60's but his Dad was a Dr and wouldn't let him be put on Ritalin. 

He's never hit me or my 3 sons but has said VERY cruel things and threatened abuse.  He's a wonderful guy when in a good mood or things are going his way but when things are stressful, look out!  He's been the CEO of a company for 3 years and sometimes I wonder how he runs a company cause I've always done our finances, since day one.  He's never had to do any paperwork (medical insurance, taxes, etc) as I've always done it.  He's very extravagant with money, which has always caused fights.  Now that he is making good money, I've tried to stop nagging about money but the more he makes. the more he spends.  Now he wants to buy an airplane and yacht, good grief! Doesn't make me feel secure cause I was raised to be careful with money although I do like to travel and enjoy life so don't think I'm a "stick in the mud", ha.  But, really, a plane?  I feel that sometimes he's a show off...flamboyant. 

But, even though we don't think alike in many ways, it's hard for me to let go.  I still love the vulnerable, sweet side that is there when things are going smoothly.  We had some tension just before he left.  His company is doing badly (economy) and our boys who are 25, 23 and 20 are sometimes less than perfect.  The night before he left, I brought up a sore subject about one son, hoping he'd be "Father Knows Best" and talk nicely to my son, and instead he blew up at him.  Acted worse than my son!  The best way for me to have handled this would have been to deal with the issue myself so hubby could have nice, positive night after hard day at work.  But sometimes I have to vent also.  That's not allowed.  Only he can be upset.

2 yrs. ago, after a disagreement he said  "I can't think of anything I like about you.  I've been miserable for years."  I was shocked.  He then said "The only way we can stay together is if you do everything I say and I make all the decisions".  I slept in another room that night and the next day, he couldn't understand why I felt bad...he denied saying those things.  I know he'd had a bad day at work but still...no excuse for those hurtful comments.  And then to not remember saying them?

We started counseling that week and a psychiatrist thought he was bipolar, put him on Lamictal which he went off of cause it made him feel "out of it".  The 6 months he was on it, we never fought but he felt he wasn't performing at work, went off it and became a bear again.  He refuses to work on our marriage so is just waiting for me to file, I guess.  Although, he told his sister that I "kicked him out so if she wants to get back together, she needs to come to me"  I have called and asked if we could work it out and he says too much has happened.   He sounds different every time we talk.  Sometimes friendly, sometimes vague, strange.  He had been gone 3 months when I finally told his family he moved out...he never told them.  To this day, he's told only a handful of people...doesn't want anyone to know.  I thought that meant he might want to get back together but he said he's just embarrassed that he had a failed marriage...it's humiliating to him.  (Narcissist?)  I feel sad but am not concerned what other people think...that's upmost on his mind.  I think he likes being alone and may be even carousing around.  He stopped wearing his ring after just one month and when I took some clothes to his place, I found Viagra.

Sorry I'm babbling.  The few close friends I've told this to thought I should have left years ago...or at least filed right after he left.  They think I'm codependent and maybe I am...have spent way too much time over last few years trying to fix us.  Not just him, I have issues of my own...think I might be total opposite of him.  More like ADD.  I take too long doing things, takes me forever to make decisions, am not too organized.  We're a match made in heck, ha...yet I think we're both having trouble letting go of each other...I am, anyway.  He's already dating.  :(  Says he's lonely and can't just sit alone day after day.  I have lots of girlfriends but he doesn't have many guy friends, guess that's typical.

Thanks for letting me vent.  Hope you're not asleep!  Can anybody relate to this?  I haven't minded being alone...so peaceful around here and my boys are great.  One moved back home (commuting to college) and the other 2 pop in and we all laugh, relax and are happy.  (It was hard on them at 1st but they know how he is)  I just do my painting, photography and keep up with house and kids (retired) so don't know why I keep thinking about him and wishing it could work.  It's crazy making!!

 

I don't have much to offer

I don't have much to offer except support and prayers. When the time is right for you, you will know. Take care of yourself and enjoy your boys. (((HUGS)))

Sherri

Thanks!!

Thanks for the support...am reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" tonight.  Maybe will give me some insight.  I can relate to what y'all said about breathing and sighing, ha ha.  He always complained I swallowed my coffee too loud.  :P

Not too long ago I was eating

Not too long ago I was eating raw veggies. He was in the kitchen with me and says, in a not so very nice way, "I am going downstairs for a while..I can't stand to hear you crunching in my ear anymore. You know I can't stand that". I was half way across the room.  After 13 years of marriage...and I never knew! LOL Actually, I think it only bothered him because of his mood..he's NEVER mentioned this before. It hurts, you worry that it's not the veggies, but something more personal towards yourself that they feel, but you really have to just move past it and trust that it isn't. It hasn't been mentioned since...and I've done a lot of crunching within his ear shot. :o)

Why did you breath like that?

...he'll ask 'why did you breath like that?'

Hahaha... I just had to giggle out-loud to myself!  I cannot get away with sighing when he's around.  Sometimes I don't even know I've done it until he thinks he's done something wrong and asks, "What wrong with you?"  Then I have to try not to get defensive about the way he asked!

SherriW30 - Your experience with communication is very similar to mine.  I often think he doesn't hear me because he doesn't respond.  It used to bug the crap out of me because I felt ignored.  I do at least need him to say "Let me think about that" so I know it's clicking over in his brain.  It's so funny how I can completely forget about something then 5 days later he brings it up with his response!

It is very difficult to let something go.  Walk away.  I've been doing that lately though.  I check with myself what my true reaction is, I state my case and feelings in as neutral a tone/attitude as I can muster, don't expect an answer, leave it.... and... miraculously... the apology comes not too long after!  He is a beautiful man because he can apologize.  It's is tough, though, to shake off the initial insult; the reason for which he felt the need to apologize.   

It's also difficult for me to walk away because in my previous relationship I wasn't allowed to - I was chased, cornered, and forced to fight.  Now, with my fiance, we leave heaps of room for each other.  Emotionally, anyway.  It's good to have that space, for both of us, to think about why we're reacting in a certain way then return to it later when we can be more rational.

My partner's been on dexamphetamine for about 6 months now (I think.)  And he loves them.  I haven't noticed a huge difference in my actual experience with him - I think they're probably wearing off by the evening when I see him.  But on the weekends he doesn't stop moving.  He's very productive and he finishes tasks.  He's moved up the pecking order at work, in a job he used to hate.  He says that now his mind, instead of searching for problems and things to worry about, searches for solutions!  How cool is that?  We've also recently started couples therapy (more to do with the lack of sex, but has the potential to expand into communication and general intimacy) but are finding procrastination to still be an issue.  He trained me not to be a nagging control freak, but I think I need to remind him how important it is to me that he do certain tasks.

We're still on the path to marriage (less than a month now!)  And I'm not worried about the ADD/Lack of Sex being a deal-breaker.  I know that he is respectful and aware enough that these are things we can work on.  He wants to work on them and I am an incredibly patient and understanding person.  Anyway... let's see how we are in another 2 years!!

You have to have a sense of

You have to have a sense of humor about some of these things or they really would drive you nuts. Yes, it is the 'sigh'. I'm not allowed to sigh either. If I do..."what's wrong" or "what was that for?".  I sometimes find myself explaining "I was just thinking about XXX" or other times I will just say "Honey, I was just breathing". LOL It really can be exhausting sometimes...but I love him.