When You Have Been Hurt So Many Times...

                                       **PLEASE NOTE: I WELCOME ANY COMMENTS/INSIGHT YOU MAY HAVE!**

I have been with my spouse for four years, but only married for four months. Finally, after years of the same dysfunctional patterns repeating themselves over and over did I suspect that something may be off with him. I am a nurse and should have known sooner, but I was looking at myself as the probable culprit of our friction. Of course, both partners contribute, but...

The first time he exploded and told me that he was "Done," i.e. wanted to break up after an argument, I was shellshocked. This finally resolved and we went back to our former intimacy, albeit not so passionate as before. So began a long and gut-wrenching process of him telling me he was "Done" any time things got difficult, which, inevitably, they will, especially as you join lives and the every-day stressors set in. But hey, we got past all those things. "Things" meaning him telling me I had inherent flaws, flaws which meant, ultimately, our relationship would not work. You name it, he blamed it- I was angry (yes, I was sometimes, with his behavior), I spent money irresponsibly(although his spending has drained our bank account many times), I wasn't part of the "team," etc. etc. etc.

Flash forward to me breaking off our engagement in July of this year. Finally fed up with his tantrums, passive and outright aggression, verbal and emotional abuse, I decided I had had enough. He was devastated. And I...surprised. After all his posturing, he acted as if his world was ending. And I love him deeply, so when he implored me to stay and marry him, that is what I did.

Today, here we are, married for just four months. Now, because I had been suffering depression for about a month and was contemplating suicide, he told me to just find what made me happy and do it. My job was a huge issue, as they had been treating me unfairly, so he said I should just quit. Fearing for our financial state, I did not quit, but I did cut back on my hours, and took time off school. Soon, he was extremely edgy and short with me. Later, I find out it is because of the decrease in income. It got to the point where he became angry at me and lashed out any time I brought up any work issue, spitting out, "If you hate it so much, quit. I'm tired of hearing it!" Of course, if I did quit, that would not be right either, because then I wouldn't be bringing in money, i.e. not being "Part of the team."

All of this came to a head about two weeks ago when I saw we had a negative checking account balance, and the main reason was countless debit card charges by him. I took his debit card back, as we had previously agreed, to put it away, so the temptation would not be there. I was quite surprised when he blew up about it after I told him I had put it away; he had agreed to this a few months before, knowing he has an impulse spending issue. He screamed, cursed and hung up, only after telling me that I was "Completely selfish" and "Just didn't get it." That day, he stopped talking to me. For days, he hostilely ignored me until I finally forced the issue and he just blurted out he wanted a divorce because "You just don't get it, you are not part of this team, and things will never change. We just don't work."

I was devastated, but thought this was the pattern simply playing out again. Sure enough, he is starting to show signs of softening again: being affectionate, talking to me, hugging and kissing me goodbye when he leaves. And yet, a trip we had planned for months is coming up in two days and he is still saying he does not want to go because it is
"Pointless to pretend when we just don't work." I am guessing within another week, he will be back to his old self again and it will be as if it never happened...again. But how many times can I take this? Yes, I love him, but I don't know if I can keep this madness up.  *PLEASE NOTE-I WELCOME ANY COMMENTS OR INSIGHT YOU MAY HAVE ON THIS!*