where to begin? first time here

it's been only a few weeks since my emotianal breakdown and in the midst of screaming "this is just not normal" at everyone around me, wondering the ever consuming "is it me? or is it everyone else" that I found my way to a doctor and counselor who ever so non-chalantly said adhd sounds like the demon your after. after  a bunch of tests it was confirmed.

day one: denial-my life is over (if it ever began) is anything I thought real actually real or was it a lifetime of "filling in the blanks" with random stuff.

day two: no end in sight-pushed my husband to get a divorce so he could live a normal life and began questioning if we even knew each other at all let alone like each other

day three: teeter totter-all day marathon about whether or not the diagnosis of adhd is true/valid or if a large part of the world is just refusing to accept alternate thinking patterns

day four: speed read-all day/night (on meds) marathon of researching behavioral patterns and happy endings online finding a unhappy balance of viewpoints leading to no firm conclusion

day five: leap of faith#1-as the general rule from childhood goes "if everyone is against you....its not them...it's you" till now believing I was simply an exception to that general rule decided that I would make possibly my first firm decision...that it was me not everyone else.

day 6: leap of faith#2-my whole life was not completely inaccurate due to filling in blanks...merely the viewpoint at which I experienced it.

day seven: leap of faith#3-regardless of the grim outlook of a happily ever after with adhd/non I decided firmly I WOULD have mine.

day eight: miracle#1-after only a short talk (realised this shorter thing works better) my husband decided firmly he wasnt just going to take a chance that we could repair or that once we figured this out we might like each other...he decided we WOULD like each other.

day nine: tossed out conventional-decided based on unending information given in books and other outlets yet the few happy ending they produced combined with the length of recovery and varied results to try something that made sense to me (yes this was a risk considering the way my brain works :)

day ten: reverted back to denial and had a horrible day

day eleven: back on the teeter totter

day twelve: getting seasick from the teeter totter

day thirteen: decided there was no way I'd make if I tried to stay on that tetter totter and skipped back up to day nine

day fourteen: sat down to study patterns and connections. although causing pain in the past I realised using my ability in a clearer mind with a destination might have an alternate ending

day fifteen: asked my husband to participate in an extreemly frustrating day of questions to complete my puzzle

day sixteen: math vrs language- found out there were numerous every day things that we said to each other that overlapped in one huge area causing enormous misscommunication/anger

day seventeen-twenty one: compiling a list of my thoughts and ideas in an organised way and gave it to my husband to ask his opinion (no longer trust that I know everything and I'm a genius :)

day twenty two: our first no arguement/frustrating day in almost 7 years.

I am now on day 3 of this experiment and just ran out of time but will post the questions I had when I get back in a bit, if anyone would take the time good or bad to answer once I have them up by their view or whatever I wont take offense or anything just curious if I'm way off.

thanks

Just want to say that happiness between ADD/non is not rare

It may seem rare because forums self select for people having problems.  I try to come read here every week or so if I am not up to my neck is something frustrating and am posting myself :), because this is an excellent source and I am invested in many of the outcomes here.  But we are in a VERY HAPPY ADD/non relationship.  I wouldn't say during any time in our marriage have we had even close to more bad times than good times, and we are only 4 years post diagnosis, but the very worst times for us (which involved a lot of arguing and not enough listening to each other) were the year pre diagnosis when we both decided that something was going to change.  And the year post diagnosis where my husband was grieving his diagnosis much longer than I'd been prepared for and kept hoping that a pill was going to be his magic bullet.

You are in the hardest phase right now, and you have a supportive husband beside you, so I have every confidence you'll make it.  Happy ADD/non coupls are everywhere.  The only difference between them and many of the unhappy stories is that they contain 2 ppl who see what damage they've caused and are working hard to repair it.  For us there isn't now and never was a ton of resentment built up because as soon as the frustrating over and over behaviors started driving me batty, my husband searched for help pretty quickly.  It is living with someone who is constantly invalidating your experience, failing to keep their word, and refusing to listen when you try to explain how you are being hurt that is so painful to any partner.

I am very interested in the questions that you asked your husband, so I am thrilled to read them and provide whatever feedback I can offer.

I can also tell you that as far as relationship specific issues, this site as well as Melissa's book are excellent, as is Dr Hallowell's newest book "Married to Distraction".  The end of his book contains a workbook for 30 minutes a day for 30 days to reconnect to your mate.  My husband and I have never gotten that disconnected, but we've had fun working through the book and learning things about eachother.......sharing memories of our individual childhood's as well as through our marriage.  I highly recommend it.

 

where to begin?-part two

sorry to anyone reading, I got very sick and stayed that way quite a while and decided not to attempt thinking rationally while being so under the weather.

lets see where was I. oh yes, first I want to thank you for that comment it made me see what I had overlooked. people who are still generally happy while creating their happily ever after (so to speak) I guess I tend to view things black and white and supposed I was looking for a sudden ending to this missery :)

so my thoughts arent earth shattering but heres what I came up with.

my husband generally looks at me like I'm stupid when I'm talking or he's trying to get a point across to me. when it occured to me he looks just like me when I was trying to teach my younger brother a math problem.

me: 1+1=2

him: why?

me: because if you have one thing (holds up a crayon) and someone gives you another (now holding two) you have two.

him: why?

no matter how many diffrent ways I tried to explain the simplicity of this problem he still didnt get it and in the end gave up and just coppied what I had written down.  I shared this story briefly with my husband and asked him "is that what it's like to talk to me" he nodded just a little too enthusiastically :) at first this mild connection frustrated me because it gave me a view of myself from his eyes that I did not want. it was embaressing and I felt it was a bit unfair. after all I just learn a diffrent way. I actually have to have the answer to a problem to do the problem. If you can tell me the answer I need to get is 2 and one of the numbers is 1 I cant tell you how you get that answer. this applies to everything in my life. I earned the nickname "copy cat" very early on because of my ability to copy nearly anything I saw touched or tasted. but I cant do directions. they dont make any sense. people called me creative and I never felt deserving of the title because I was never really creating anything only copying what I had seen before. I developed a near photogenic mind. I'd write down something and never concerned myself with keeping track of the note because it was in my head now that I could see the note I'd written.  does this mean I was always organised and perfect? far from it. I'd get so used to not keeping my notes that half the time I'd forget to LOOK at the note before I allowed it to get lost. I had this problem with everything ending in a half and half outcome of just about everything I did.

while realising self pity wouldnt get me anywhere I studied my brothers response to the problem and it dawned on me. when he was asking "why?" I should have seen he didnt understand where the value of one was! if you dont know the value of one how will you know it when you see it? so transferring that idea into my life I found underlying our conversations that I had essentially a totally different value system I had created on my own! by not understanding how somethings   value is found, I was left to give everything it's own value and as a result everything ended up being broken into more pieces instead of staying whole (fractions) and once everything was down to a value of one (the 1 taken and split into equal parts as small as they can get)....they were equal.  for example:

my husband would take me on a date and we thought we had a good time but later he would let it slip that my clothes werent exactly what most people would have worn. discouraged and determind to please him I would ask him a question such as "ok, lets say I only have five minutes...which would you rather I do before going on a date with you. wash my hair, make up, put together an outfit, take a shower, brush my teeth...ect" his response "why cant you do all of them?" I would get so depressed that he didnt love me for me. he just didnt understand that It was so superficial to be the kind of person who did all those things just so other people can look at me and think I'm cool or something. he was such a superficial guy always worried about how his wife would be presented somewhere.  with this new idea (new to me :) I realised he was asking me to do one thing "get ready" and  I heard him say one thing. but one to me was actually what he'd consider a fraction of the one. when people say "Get up and get ready for the day" it is misleading. it says to me : plan your day ahead and then you only have to get ready for those circumstances"  so to me he was at fault for only  giving me a hour of warning or maybe even less. and by doing one or sometimes even 3! things in my list I was going above and beyond in what little time I had. when in fact it is not the days plan that dictates which of those things I do it is in fact that those things were not supposed to be seperated unless circumstances prevented it they were each a fraction of the whole "getting ready/hygeine" thing everyone does. 

I would actually think to myself that "hmm, yep I didnt put on deoderant, oh well it's not like I know any of the people on this bus  and I wont be on here with them for very long" yet I would get offended when I heard people talk about smelling the person next to them and how it was gross and I told them "you dont know anything about their life what if they couldnt help it?"  it was thinking about that I realised oh my gosh! it was the intent! I could have "gotten ready" nearly every morning but didnt and then when my plans changed and I was unprepared and I was involving everyone who got near me. which would have been excusable had it been a emergency but my everyday lack of hygeine only said one thing to other people most especially those closest to me "disrespect" by my thoughts of "oh well, they wont be near me very long" I was having a complete lack of respect because in my mind I just hadnt had time to brush my teeth before I left. when in reality I just hadnt realised that generally people think of eatting as "1" but where the end fraction of time is actually spent cleaning up both your place setting and your teeth/hands/face.  there was never time for anything and I never made time for anything because it didnt have any value so why would I? which brings me to the second part:

what does it get me?: with my vision (viewing fractions as whole numbers) and using the generic way most people explain a problem "if you have one thing and someone gives you another, you have two!" that became my way of processing. since if you tell me the answer to a problem and you give me one of the numbers in the problem I can figure out how to get there...it stands to reason that if I can see the answer, (how many/much I will have in the end) and I know what I have, I will simply shift the things around me to get that answer. see, to me there wasnt anything manipulative about it because "the answer" was obvious to me because it would get everyone the "most". or get everyone involved what they wanted only I was basing my "everyone gets what they wanted" on what people said to me. but what I didnt realise is when collecting information to look for the answer I needed most people were asking for "1" and my result got them only a fraction of what they were asking for. the only person who got the whole "1" was me because I knew what I meant when I said something. thus without meaning to I led a very very very selfish life full of "1" for me "1/8" for you. thinking all the while I should be patted on the back for my achievements and all my spouse/friend..ect can do is look at me and talk about neglect or selfish behavior.  I thought my husband wanted a slave or stepford wife because he wanted me up and dressed, showered, hair washed, light makeup, hair brushed, nails trimmed and deoderant on! not only that but he wanted me to cook a meal, clean up the mess and brush my teeth!  he kept telling me he was only asking me to "Get ready" and "eat meals"  only 2 things to him. where I thought of them as 11! no wonder he thought he wasnt asking much but I thought he was asking for a slave.  which brings me to number 3:

pace: with a fraction vision + determining the answer based on what its going to get you, you seem to have the two points that you need to solve the problem so what if you were sitting there and you (thought) were ready to write down the answer and someone kept telling you to wait. lets say that you might actually take a second look. but lets say that you come up with the same thing again. then someone told you that one of your numbers were wrong (the answer you were trying to achieve) that it should be this other number instead. you shake your head at them saying that doesnt get "us" near as much as we could get. they say, no it gets everyone equal amounts. you stare at their numbers and boil inside with how unfair the answer is to you where it seems to give three times as much to the others. ......when given this circumstance over and over with everything we do what would you do? I for one became incredibly fast at solving those problems as fast as I could and didnt look people in the eye as I zoomed past because they were all saying the same thing. "slow down , think about what your doing, you need to do more for other people" people were so greedy and would take up hours and hours and hours of my time arguing over petty things.  which led me to be full of phrases like "I'm wasting my time." or "that is pointless" or things of that sort. which leads me to the last thing:

time: when seeing in fractions I am basically seeing 5-10 times more than the average person and therfore get overwhelmed easily. the idea simply is that the manager (my husband) comes over and says "I'd like you to clean the house today" or "can you pick up around the house" then he leaves. this is fine the first few times where I will do three maybe even four things like put the dishes in the sink or sweep the floor right before the boss comes back.  but everytime he comes back he's unhappy. because I didnt do this other thing like I was supposed to know which specific thing he had wanted me to do! the next time I would have him spell it out specifically but it was always met with the same idea "why should I have to tell you what to do" and then when he lists a few things I will do them specifically but when he gets home he's dissapointed I didnt do anything else in that catagory! I cant win! I end up hating my job, since the idea is a job well done and I cant ever manage it why try?  since you cant give equal shares to your friends because they always whine about wanting more from you then why keep them? trying to juggle all these fractions and put them in diffrent orders for diffrent people or days or whatever gets to be not just overwhelming but downright depressing. it's so lonely, and the worst part for me is that I can still feel. when people think of you as dealing with a five year old and they cant seem to get through to you it's like your stuck in a a world all by yourself. everyone is against you. life is impossible.

anyways, thats the idea that sort of hit me while studying the responses to the questions and conversations my husband and I had. we've had almost  two weeks to see how it works and I cant even tell you the diffrence. it went from adhd "a life of mistakes and you'll only live at 60% never a hundred to...I feel like everyone else! mostly because I can understand what other people are saying. when I'm telling my husband something I will tell him a mile long story because to me for him to get the whole picture I have to give him all the numbers (1+1+1+1+1+1=6)  but to him I'm telling him stuff that is already to be assumed because to him what I'm saying is (1/6+1/6+1/6+1/6+1/6+1/6=1) so he asks "how was your day" I tell him well, "1/6+1/6+1/6+1/6+1/6+1/6=1". how was yours? his response? "1" simple, to the point, no details. I ask him why he never tells me anything. he says "why do you explain everything in such detail?" I'm dumbfounded, all I tried to do was explain that our day was typical and ok.

it's not over by a long shot I'm sure but it took the overwhelming list of things that I was supposed to do and narrowed it down to one. re-define common words. sounds silly but it's worked in so many areas so quickly it's mind boggling to me. the weird part to me is I hate meds and understand me , I'm not telling anyone NOT to take their meds! simply that I needed the extra focus to help me keep track of everything I was supposed to copy. because it wasnt instinct to me, I didnt understand it. but after a week of working hard on re-defining and a day or two of rest to come to grips with how lazy and self centered my life was and I thought it was normal! I stopped taking the meds (after asking the doctor let me skip it for a week or so just to see the difference) (and my husband :) and my husband likes me! (so do I :) I'm still adjusting a little to the normal pace of not being fraction oriented and it's not to say I never slip up but I dont get frustrated much anymore. I hate his slow pace and this way sometimes but it always comes back to being impatient (overdose on portions for myself) and they get less and less everyday as I wean myself into a even portion life. while not on the meds I am continually amazed at being able to see where I would say or do something that would get me extra portions and instead now I watch my husband smile at the way I can share :)

so I probably didnt explain it very well and I wasnt trying to tell anyone else anything or say they should do anything but was just curious has anyone on here every done something like this or anything? maybe tons of people have and it didnt work long term or something? I sound insane? I'm basically a infant learning to read all over again (as well as add and subtract) so telling stories hasnt completely stopped or anything :) so if I need to explain something better or further or whatever just ask. theres so much I didnt put in here but I thought maybe it was too much info :) yep, mostly just curious . I'm completely open to thoughts and such but please be nice as I'm not dense :) if I overlooked lots of stuff it certainly wasnt intentional and I'd love to know about it.

 

 

I forgot to say

I have read quite a few books on the subject although not specifically melissa's but I am continuing to read more so I will put hers next on my list. it's just that to me it felt like everything kept telling me I'd never be normal and just to watch out for myself and how is it that I feel so strongly that I am normal. I can live life just like everyone else. I only seem to miscomunicate and not do things the way everyone else would. the pills do little else than help you focus more on the overwhelmingness and make you jittery, lead to lack of sleep/grumpiness and lots of other unfun things....all in the name of what? does anyone really have any idea what these meds can do to your body? it was just as hard to take them as it was to not. they tried different things but in the end all it did is help me slow down long enough to copy more things...but none of the things anyone told me to do to change my habits and such did any good to me cause it didnt make any sense. no matter how many times you tell me to I can do it if I remember you want me to but I can only remember so many things at the front of my brain at any given time. I will only be doing it because you told me it is supposed to be so not because I understand/agree. pills or no pills. no one can copy forever it's like living someone elses life. but was I right in staying "adhd" no. but I need a permanant solution not specific equations to copy.

wow lot to take in

I'm not sure if all of what your saying had set it or that I understood it but I can see somethings that make sense.  (I think) :)

so are you saying that you think your problem came from association or boundries? like with your crayon thing, you are saying you realised it was one crayon....but recondnised that the crayon was made up of smaller things such as wax/paper/ect. and that threw you off? because a crayon isnt truly one if is made up of wax/paper/ect=crayon?

so maybe that you had a hard time finding the right value of one because everything breaks down into tiny pieces and those tiny pieces can be used to make many different things? is that right? so your system is based on breaking everything apart and each piece is one and from that point you add them back together to make what you want and that creates like 6 or 7 or whatever?  so maybe if someone had explained to you that the crayon wasnt "1" but merely a representation of the the number as it is one-crayon?

so then if thats what your saying, you might be right to say it's a little unique to try that approach :) but it's worth a try in my book. you both seem happier.  again, if I got what you were saying right then your saying that basically to turn your bad system around you basically started defineing words? started paying less attention to breaking things apart so much because alot of the parts that make up a date are identicle to a double date or triple date, or hanging out...ect. and since they are all so similar you thought they were all the same thing so when your husband asked you on a date you thought you had the freedom to do any of the things that would be exceptable in any of those situations. making you look silly for not knowing the rules? and confusing you at the same time because such identicle situations had very different rules?

whew , you sure do make a person use their brain ;) alot of that seems pretty similar to my life I dont think I ever thought about it in that detail though. but I'm looking forward to hearing more as you guys go along and certainly wish you luck!

sorry I couldnt break it down

it seems like you got what I was saying. it's like looking straight past what's right in front of you and seeing everything behind it. that can be great insight to see the behind the scenes but you rarely see what's right in front of you or as everyone else would see the most obvious answer.

it's confusing because no matter what anyone says to me I seem to make it overly complicated because I'm trying to process all the extra information thats coming in. it's like...when you say something to me visualise the words coming out of your mouth, as your saying those words dozens of words are coming from behind your head giving more information and I cant watch all of them and I'm afraid to hear just what you said because the information coming from behind your head might have an important impact on how I answer or react to the words coming out of your mouth.  my delayed response to most people is because I'm absorbing everything from your body language and tone, every last twitch and I'm interpreting it and then I ask you to repeat what you just said and then I have to ask you a million questions which always comes off as I'm challenging you or second guessing you.

most of my problems seem to come from just having too much information going through and picking up on too many things around me. it's like chaos and it leads to forgeting things easily because theres just too much in my head some of it has to leave and I dont know what to keep or where to put it in my head.

so we've been working on being seriously honest about our needs and feelings and I try to not look at those other things because they werent important after all to what the other person was saying.

 

 

Kind of a bummer for both people

If you can't process what is being said, then the person talking can't say what they really want to say.... I feel my relationship has been dwindled down to short, concise, statements. There aren't any heartfelt conversations... Ever. If there is something said, it's him re-phrasing, re-processing, re-structuring, something I've just said. Gives the phrase "lost in translation" a whole new definition. One big significant loss for me is the idea that we will never have those long philisophical conversations about everything and nothing... Growing old together will be just that. Growing-old-together. I really appreciate your taking the time to write it down. It is clear how your mind works, and I can see that in my DH. Unfortunately, my level of impatience has grown over the years, I must come across as hostile. So, being able to "see" by the way you wrote it down, maybe I will not be so impatient. Now, as I think about it, I can see a struggle in processing in my youngest child.

like a baby

my husbands largest complaint during conversations was that I would re-phrase his words and play it back for him and he would get so frustrated because I got it wrong and when I played back the words it made me the victim and him the bad guy. because what I was interpreting was mostly the other stuff, body language and such which in the begining might have been normal but since it's been years of frustration his body language and mine didnt match our words very well. cause we'd say something to try to be nice but our body language said we were bracing for a war.

my son has the same problem, everytime we try to talk to him about anything he always says "you dont love me" . drove us both crazy cause we were just trying to talk to him about something simple and he always makes us feel like were torturing him and dont love him. he's only 6 and he stomps up to his room and cries because we dont love him.

I think, like me, when someone tells him something that everyone is just supposed to do (brush his teeth) he gets instantly angry asking "what did I do?" when we explain ... you didnt do anything it's just what people do after eatting, he says " every day like 50 times I'm always brushing my teeth!". we get frustrated because to us he looks like one lazy little spoiled boy who cant be bothered to brush his teeth three times EVERY day as well as make his bed, eat at the table, do his homework, wash his hands after using the bathroom...ect.... to him by the end of the day it's like we've ruined his life by taking up all his time when he could have played video games or something.

were not torturing him of course and neither were the people trying to tell me that I shouldnt have that much me time. watching my son has made me more aware of what I look like to others and I'm happier now because we've started both our kids on a new rutine that imitates the best use of you time (ya know like do your homework right away :) I've found that I acted like a spoiled baby for the first while but now it's easier. I think it was like an addiction. I was used to the uphoria of doing things that pleased me or revolved around me...when someone tried to take it away (put me on a budget) I would do good for a while and then explode.  it's like going through a detox practicing self control and selflesness your going to feel a huge emotional emptiness where the "me time" was replaced by "reality" . I have alot of hope and hapiness now though because so far I havent been unable to remember things, unable to restrain myself. it simply took alot of practice because I'd never really ever done it before.

I can fully see where we keep going in the circle of doing better for a while then going right back because we think we can do it then the withdrawl hits and we just have to have a little hit because (fill in the blank with our billions of reasons which are all an excuse to tell ourselves it's ok)

the "I'm a slave to you" feeling is merely a starting point. it goes away as you realise you still have time after you finish your homework and if you do it right the first time you dont have to do it again.  it's a stinky thing to have to do though. because it's really just like trying to do rehab and it's hard to keep yourself acountable. because if you arent locked up for as long as it takes to get it out of your system AND build new habits it's real easy to just slip right back. which is why some of us try to say no when you try to offer us back the debit card too soon. we can feel ourselves trying and it's like shoving a drink in our hands.

we got rid of the tv and games, most of my hobbies (I had like fifteen) and even my husbands computer (theres a little adhd in all of us [aka selfishness]) now we share and are aware of each other. but most of all we are trying really hard to teach our kids what respect is because if you trace all my habits and problems they can be found in a lack of respect. had no idea what respect looked like. had no idea it was a simple as giving your full attention and time to the best of your abilities to something or someone. people kept telling me It was disrespectful to keep my house so dirty....what on earth does respect have to do with my house?

I grew up in a somewhat loving enviroment, pretty normal except everyone in my family has a complete disrespect for authority, rules, people, time... ect. only my family thought it was rediculous the idea that we should pamper to those things when we could just go our own way and it's not like we were really alone when we cut everyone off because our whole family was basically this way although we differ on the degree and a few other things. soo maybe I'm stupid here but I'm going to be one of those people who stands up and admits "hi there my name is ____ and I'm a pleasure addict". because despite the diagnosis, the pills sometimes work and sometimes dont because I'm good on some days I want to try and sometimes I really need a fix and I'm going to run over whoever is in my way to get it. pills cant stop selfishness. the only good they did me was help me to see that when I was on them I was exactly the same only it didnt make me want to do those unfun things and I realised I was indeed chosing not to do things, not unable. but admiting it? is as hard as saying I have a drinking problem and I cant stop it on my own.

my favorite thing is when I would get mad, vent to my husband and he would say "so do ___" I would argue with him that it wouldnt work, when in fact, I just didnt want to do it. if I did it that way I dont get what I wanted. what I'm looking for is an easy answer to get the results I have to get while also getting me whatever I wanted.

selfishness and being addicted to pleasure is one stinky stuborn thing to fight, but I'm not unable. the more I let go and start aknowledging my selfishness the more I feel better, I have pride now, I have respect and I'm watching my kids turn their lives around 25 years before I did and it is such a blessing to watch them go from two kids who no one would babysit to coming home with stars on their charts for positive behavior. not done by a long shot but man does this feel better. I'm ashamed I was that way for so long but I think thats why I always felt like my husband had to do alot of the recovery for me, I just knew I wasnt going to be able to be strong enough on my own for a while. my husband just wanted a reassurance that it would hit a point that he wouldnt need to be there so much for me for that.  once he started thinking about it like the whole rehab thing as well as me thinking that way we both were aware of things better.

it was hard for me to watch him sit down after work even though I hadnt done anything all day because it was like watching him sit at the bar while I was supposed to "just say no". because he wanted me to make dinner. thats why I wanted us to do all the chores together and what not. I work better with him rather than alone because I feel hostile when he's taking a break and I am supposed to do work. only just like doing your chores in the morning, if there done you can play with the other kids after school...if not...you'll be watching from the window. soo so childish, it's a little like blaming someone else for my problems, but man, how did no one stop me from this as a child?  I will not do that for my kids, they WILL learn about respect and how to delay the pleasure times until the right times. it not only creates antisipation but creates a much needed healthy balance for the rest of your life

Wow

I really admire your self-awareness, and how much work you are doing, and I am so happy for you that you are beginning to reap the benefits of the tough changes you are making.  Even more than an improvement in our marriage, I want my husband to experience these good feelings, and less often feel like he is going to "get in trouble" or "get found out".  He spends so much energy covering up what he didn't do, it's 10 times more energy that he would have spent just "doing it".  I wish I could spare him that.  Your writing style, attempts to explain  and analogies really help me understand how my guy is probably "thinking" about things.  And that helps me respond more effectively to him.  Thanks again.

Had a hard time really getting into your post,

but your thinking something is, for example, 5 things, that an NT would generally call "1" resonated with me.  I read your post to my husband and he laughed a bit and said yes that I do think of some things as only 1 thing--do the dishes--that to him seems like 5 things--gather dishes, load dishwasher, wipe off counters, hand wash pans, etc.

 

I think that was a very valuable insight for me, but I am not really sure how to process that knowledge into our lives.  I think if I started listed 5 things for him to do it would be WAY more overwhelming than just asking him to "do the dishes"--which after all is why we do call all the things involved in doing the dishes "doing the dishes" cause no one wants to list every step every time, but I do appreciate his viewpoint more as to why it might seem like a lot more to do.  He is constantly looking at me with amazement when I am cleaning the kitchen....esp when I am done and he is saying "That was SO FAST".  I don't think he realizes how much time he loses in farting around and delaying and letting things "soak".  He can seriously turn a 15 min job into 2 hours just by delaying tactics!

 

delays

I didnt ask my husband to list things as five things I just started  taking everyday things we said like "do the dishes" and wrote down a list (with my husbands help) of all that is included in that task. this helped me realise where my laziness was because when you do everything involved in things like "getting ready" , dishes, picking up the house, grocery shopping...ect it's all supposed to be done regularly and I was shocked at how much I wasnt getting done that most other people manage. I was able to see just how much of my time was centered around things that I wanted to do.  that it wasnt just everyone else picking on me like I thought.

because I saw things as little pieces I felt allowed to put those pieces anywhere. because they were all so small I could pretty much do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. my order of putting pieces together made it so that nothing ever got done when it was supposed to and It wasnt that big a deal for me but for everyone around me they were trying to finish what I left behind, wait for me because I was always late, and put up with me intruding into their lives and trying to break up whatever they were doing (interupting) because why cant they just stop doing whatever they are doing and talk to me? not that I didnt have a sense of time or wanted to be rude but just because I thought time was in tiny chunks and you could break it up wherever you want....people  were just mean and didnt want to or were selfish and never had time for me...ect :)

the time thing was for me because it erased alot of the anxiety of dealing with other people, knowing people werent usually asking too much of me I was just exausted from being a ping pong ball with my time and thought I worked just as hard as everyone else so why are they saying I'm lazy.

 I really thought there was no real reason to lump those things together, I missed out on the somewhat smooth flo of other peoples average day, where mine was usually filled with anxiety, stories about people who were rude and constant emotional battles because I thought my husband really didnt like me and thats why he wanted me to fix my hair and take showers every day...ect. I thought people really didnt like me or were being selfish when they didnt stop doing something for me (interupting) it's not even as if they couldnt! they just wouldnt! I thought it was so rude and it made me feel like my husband didnt even love me enough to take a break from his doing the budget so I could tell him something funny or that happened to me.

since many people have told me before that I'm not doing it right and I need to do all these things and do them together and in the right order so my day goes smoothly and my bills get paid my husbands biggest question was "why doesnt that seem do-able to you?" to me his way didnt seem right and I couldnt put my finger on it. it just always left me empty doing it his way, I felt like a slave and like he never really liked me. it was recently of course when it dawned on him and he came and asked me "do you think maybe since you never did things the way you were supposed to (doing all the dish items) that as a result you have never felt what it's like to take care of yourself?"  I of course instantly got excited at his train of thought.... no wonder I always felt empty I didnt know what to ask for to get what I needed, because I didnt even know what I needed. I never used my time to relax because I thought since I was doing something fun to me I was relaxing. but theres a whole world out there :)

he explained to me that when you start feeling overwhelmed instead of panicking you are supposed to do something like take a hot shower or bath to relax having fun is having fun....relaxing is different. it's peaceful. it's not talking. and just because I didnt do it doesnt mean my body and mind dont need it. I get these anger spikes really bad sometimes because I just keep going and going and my ears are hurting and my head is pounding and my eyes hurt. but by following the right time spacing I learned that there are places reserved just for me and I wouldnt get left behind and I wouldnt starve for whatever I needed.

I started experimenting with manicures (something I had always thought vain people did so their husbands would like them) and it turns out I rather enjoy being pampered and it had nothing to do with my husband...it makes me feel like a girl!

 

welcome to the club!

Hey!  I'm another ADD female that had to be taught how to keep house, shop for food etc.  there is a website that helps with decluttering/keeping your house clean that's been mentioned on this site before:  flylady.net  I checked it out a few years ago and it really helped.  It was a bit overwhelming for me, but helpful.  They tell you how to de-clutter a room, a bit at a time and also how to clean every room in your house.  Sounds crazy, but....  Some of us need to have these things explained because when I used to look at my cluttered messy house i'd get overwhelmed and couldn't even begin - so nothing would get done.

I totally dig what you mean about for us ONE thing is actually 17.  I still marvel at how much longer everything takes than I thought it would and the fact that I seem to spend 95% of my energy just trying to keep on top of the bare necessities.

Manicures?  Funny....  I TRIED to do the manicure thing, thinking i'd like to be pampered, but I couldn't stand it.  Hated sitting still for that long and making small talk and I ruined my pinky nail before I even got out of the salon!  I'd rather spend the money on beer.  or ice cream.  or:  ice cream AND beer.  mmmmmm!

lol

yes I enjoyed it the first time, even the second but sure enough by the third I was bored and tired of keeping up my nails when I was just going to go home and build something with power tools and they'd be gone again :)

but I found other things to relax me and I'm still going to go sometimes because it's nice to revitalise them even if I dont see the benifits my fingernails are healthier from the vitamin stuff she puts on it and triming them all up nice and all that exfoliating whatnot she does. I may not feel things are necissary because it's not going to last forever but my body needs refreshing and revitalising once in a while. it's not supposed to last for very long. 

p.s. I think I lumped manicures with spa kinda treaments. I did both but I prefered the spa stuff to the fake nails or painted nails kind of thing. the massages are awesome, the whole steam thing is cool, the vitamin masks and hand oil stuff leaves my body feeling better. even though I'm going to be covered in sawdust by the end of tomorow :) plus I have to admit the idea of my husband just doing the basics and offering me the idea that he will either wash his hair or his body one or the other like I was doing to him kinda put things in persepective.

for some reason I thought it was different. and though I love him either way, I can see how it can seem a little disrespectful to watch him gain a beer belly in his twenties and not even try to do anything about it cause he's not going to stop drinking beer and it doesnt do any good to work it off if he's just going to drink beer again. with the beer belly and the sweat pants full of holes (his favorite comfy pair of course) and the smell of beer on his breath is hardly enticing :)  it's not his looks that would bother me though so much as the thought that he's not keeping up his health or looks now, when , before we were married he was so aware of it and put in at least some effort. it's like, just because I love you doesnt mean I'm desperatly waiting for you to put on those sweat pants and just cause I kiss you anyways doesnt mean I was craving that taste of old boot water :)

 

 

Wow......this is ME.

"Then"-

You have just explained the last 15 years of my life. I feel soooooooo frustrated most of the time. I don't know if it's with myself or my spouse. I am going to have him read it because it made me look at things from his point of view (without him having to TRY to explain it to me). Is it because our minds (ADHD/ADD) think alike, who knows, but when YOU explained it.....it MADE SENSE to me (what I think my husband was trying to tell me-but I couldn't "get"). Thanks.