I keep asking myself where I went. It sounds strange but it is a nagging question that I have. I was once happy, loved change and adventure and appreciated what people did for me. I used to always make time for my hobbies and even just time to myself. That has all changed. Over the years I have become someone that I do not recognize. I find that I am constantly complaining and that there is very little in my life that brings me joy. My child is essentially the one bright spot that I have and I even find that I get very short tempered and aggravated with him. I know that the issues in my marriage are not just because of my husband's ADHD. I believe that it plays a very large part but I have allowed myself to disappear. When we got married he became my life, it wasn't a conscious choice but it happened almost out of necessity. I had to try to keep some things in order, he was hyper-focused on me so we did everything together and I was the stable breadwinner since he kept going from job to job. I look around now and I have no friends, I have given up my hobbies, I have home, child, work and nothing more. I even look around my home and see very little of me anywhere. I see plenty of my husbands things and lots of my child's things but really nothing that shows that I live and thrive there. I try to play Stepford wife and smile and appear happy (my mantra is Everything is fine) but I am getting tired of that role. Hubby tries to do things to make me happy. He, of course, doesn't plan things well but did take me somewhere new for dinner recently and, though I appreciated it, I was also pretty apathetic about it. Which, in turn, I'm sure makes him not want to try anymore and it starts a vicious cycle yet again.
I am just trying to figure out how to get back to me. The real me. How do I do that and still cope with the chaos, the uncertainty, being the parent to both hubby and our child and trying to get our marriage back on the right track while not letting the balls in the air fall?