I am not a fan of throwing my issues out for all to see ... I have a strict rule on Facebook how our things stay our things. However, I need help, and I'm really unsure where to turn next.
You know, I could take a collage of all the feeling here and throw them in this post, they're all so spot on (and I see people say that all the time, here, too!).
My DH has no real grasp of how much his ADHD causes pain and hurt and resentment. It took a couple of years even to get him treated, and now on Celexa and Ritalin his moods have at least improved. Supposedly, his focus has too. But what about the habits? What about having a job to do, and not putting quality into his tasks? What about being asked to take out the trash, before I get home because he also scooped cat litter and the smells make me sick, means he doesn't have to do it until 5+ hours after I've been home, with 4 mentions of it since then. Granted, I can't say "please get up and take out the trash now" because that's just rude and trying to make him feel like sh**. But when he asks twice what he can do to help me out when my daughter and I are cleaning up the kitchen, and I tell him twice the Trash, and he doesn't do it, I'm still not allowed to be upset. I've also asked twice tonight if he'll be able to do it tonight ... but I'm just a martyr, again, trying to make him feel bad. He can do this whenever.
I could give example over example of this behavior.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of the broken promises. I'm tired of always feeling so lonely. I'm tired of even my dreams leading to asking him for a divorce.
We've had the arguments about how his behavior hurts our family. We've had calm collected conversations about it. He claims he knows, but he doesn't take action to improve on any of it. When called on it, he swears he is making improvements .. but if he were, then why do we always feel so hurt by him? And, if I were to actually get divorce papers, why would I end up feeling so guilty?
I've asked for us to see a councilor together. He's made it so clear he reserves the right to stop going or not go at all. I think I'm going to have to see one for myself soon, with or without him. I'm beyond the point of being able to handle this calmly. I'm so full of resentment and stress at having to micromanage everything. And yet, when I tell him how much stress that adds, he doesn't accept it.. I'm just being petty and mean again. Maybe so, I'm at my breaking point. I have been for almost a year.
I need someone who can be solid and reliable, for me and my 2 daughters (only the youngest is his). From what I can see on these forums, it's nearly impossible for someone with ADHD to be that person. To take on the weight of a partnership and help equally. Some ADHDers here seem truly to want to be that person, so I'm sure some will achieve that goal. I don't think my husband has that goal.
I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I'm emotionally washed out. I wish there was an easy answer. I wish love didn't have to factor in ... I wish I had confidence that if I did ask to separate, he would be able to take care of himself.