I've been silently reading posts on here for almost a year now. I've been trying to hold out from posting because I know my situation is extreme but I am truly at a loss right now. My husband told me he has ADHD from day 1. He's never been medicated since his mom didn't want him to be a "pill popper" (a sentiment he agrees with strongly). I'm 19, he's 20. He's in the military, I'm a full time student.
During our dating relationship, everything was perfect. We even lived together and had no issues. Of course now I know it was hyperfocus. After we got married and moved across the country for his job, his entire personality changed. He lied to me for months about smoking and tried to convince me I was crazy etc. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
He has the most explosive anger I've ever seen in my life. He has put so many holes in our walls. He's broken so many expensive things. If he starts to explode and I'm in his way, I get pinned up against the wall, thrown in the floor, slapped, etc. I know this is not okay. I thought he was getting better at controlling his anger but this quarantine and him being home 24/7 has made things so much worse. I can think of 9 or 10 instances where he's gotten violent in the past two weeks. Usually, he admits what he's done is wrong, promises to change, tells me he blacks out and can't help it.
Last night though, he literally showed no remorse. He broke his knuckle punching the bed frame last night and threw something and almost hit the dog. He told me it was completely my fault (what made him mad was I grabbed the towel he was using and knocked over a can of soda on accident) and that he wouldn't get violent if I just listened to everything he said. I understand I'm responsible for making him mad sometimes but that kind of response is unwarranted regardless of the situation, and I told him that. He was escalating and I told him he needed to get professional help immediately because I am not living in fear anymore. He said there is nothing he could do. I told him if he cannot do anything, I will simply call the cops next time he hurts me. Then he freaked and said he would divorce me if I did that because that would make him get in trouble at work. He said I was lying about the times he's hurt me. That he has never flat out hit me so it isn't that bad. He told me to leave him and then told me to stay and then told me to fly back home and then said he loves me and wants me to stay with him all within a twenty minute conversation.
I know this is all over the place, I'm sorry, I just haven't been able to talk it out. I know this is bigger than ADHD. I truly do not know where to go from here. I love him more than anything in this world and I want to make this work so bad. I know I should've left the first time he got violent. I know he'll probably never change. But I'm 2000 miles away from home with no independent income or way to get anywhere. I feel trapped in more ways than one.