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Incredibly angry and upset. Been this way for a LONG time. Doesn't matter what I try and do, I get NO WHERE.
So upset and current situation. Have ZERO patience or tolerance for anything. Very P$$#ed off.
Do we get to blame people here? How about we start with GOD WHO MADE ME LIKE THIS! Why don't we start with Him?
All my life I have been F###CKED UP. From the very beginning. Oh, wonderful child. So intelligent. Can't focus. Can't concentrate. "Classic underachiever." (Always loved that one.)
Well, it hasn't gotten any better. I haven't "grown out of it." Pi$$es me off no end. STILL THE SAME F####CKED UP PERSON I'VE ALWAYS BEEN!
Of course, its my fault. Always has been. I'm the one who's like this. I'm the one who does what I do. I have a choice. I have a free will. I'm the f###cked up person here. Nothing will change until I change. Of course, if I could change, why would I need any help?
For a while, several years ago, things were BETTER. I was closer to God, had a good relationship with a good church, had a good job, a very nice house. Almost everything you could want. Except...
I wasn't married. Nope! Didn't even have a girlfriend. In fact, I'D NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND. (Pretty f###cked up, wouldn't you say?) 33 years old and never had a girlfriend. Also, except for a couple of very poor quality experiences, I'd never even made love to a worman. Nope. Never. Not one time. A few kisses, some petting, a couple times a bit farther. But that was it. And people, I used to be in the theatre as a professional actor. If you can't get laid there, something is DRASTICALLY wrong with you.)
Okay, so premarital sex is not exactly right, you know. You don't really have permission to mess with someone who isn't really your wife. If you're not going to be with someone the rest of your life, why enter into something messy and fragile that isn't going to work out in the long run. Why hurt yourself and anyone else by doing that? Just wait for the right one and go from there.
33 years old and no one in sight. "Where is she, God??? Where's my wife? Where is she???" Banging table, pounding sand. (Very unwise.) "Where is she?"
Oh, its me. Of course. Its always me. I'm f##cked up, remember? You're not like other people. I'm sensitive, easily bruised, and want love's majesty to strut before me like a wanton ambling nymph. (That's from Shakespeare.) Okay, so I'm going to take the high road. I'm going to wait patiently. Except there's a problem, and that's me, myself, and I! 33 years old and NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND. Never had someone in my life. Crap!
So I get my wife. Oh, its all worked out by God and stuff. She's a Ukrainian lass 7 years my junior, but she will do. If she is it, she will do. I will accept her as my wife and will go on from here. I was extremely pleased when I got my wife.
Except I didn't change. After I got her, it was like, "Okay, what's next." And she's like, "I'm next! You're here to love and take an interest in me! You're not here to do the same things you've always done. You're here for me!"
(My wife's parents had an extremely close relationship, and my father-in-law was and exceptionally faithful and wise man. He condescended to his wife's preferences, (wisely,) and for the sake of peace, did what she wanted. He was not hen-pecked, and did not come off like a pressured husband, but believe me, if he did not go along with my mother-in-law, there would be FIREWORKS.
Ukrainians are very matriarchal. (That means the women dominate over there.) I have no idea how it got started, but believe me, THEY ARE DOMINANT OVER THERE. Do NOT cross a Ukrainian woman when she has decided something. Better to go drink a bottle of Vodka than cross one. Just do what they want and life will be fine.
One smaaaaalll problem. I DETEST THAT STUFF. If there is one exceedingly anti-feminist man walking around, IT IS ME. I have loathed and destested feminism since grade-school, when the ARROGANT liberal teachers wanted to be called "Ms." and the girls wanted to play on the boy's baseball teams. I still seethe over that.
So guess what? FIREWORKS! Explosions! Fights! Turmoils! Controversies! STRIVING! Lot's and lot's and lot's and lot's of STRIVING! And we are both about as dug in as you can get. I REFUSE to give in to her expectations. I will not be moved by her "correct desires," (like she is the only one who knows anything about anything.)
Here's the thing. She is right at least 90% of the time on virtually everything. I mean that. She is exceptionally well versed, intelligent, diligent, and highly talented. She is exceptionally well considered, and treats every interaction and relationship as a master's thesis. She is an expert authority on people, character, relationships, and interactions. She studies them like a scientist studies his Petri dish. She is what you call, a Superior Wife. She can't help it. She will work circles around you, (and expect you to take the LEAD.)
Did I mention she is also quite critical? Oh, yes! Quite, quite, quite, quite, quite critcal on virtually everything and everywhere. She will dig and twist and delve into a person's character until she finds the fault. She is a fault-finder extraordinaire, as she was trained by the best, HER MOTHER! (Who always complained, "why can't you be like those children, or that family, or those kids?" Which devastated my wife as a child.
So, she has her bug-a-boos as well. Problem is, we both feed into each other's wheel-house. She LOATHES unmotivated men, who are lazy and don't hold up their responsibility. (Seriously, I cannot just "hang around the house" if she is in one of her many moods. It kills her initiative and prerogative.) And of course, this generates EVEN MORE disrespect and criticism towards me, which is ANATHEMA to my outlook, where I FIRMLY and UNSWERVINGLY believe a woman was put on this earth to assist and be a help to a man. . . NOT TO BE THE DEFACTO LEADER HERSELF, (so much for this "equality" bullshit.)
So, she gets to resisting and criticising and putting me down just by her attitude, and I start getting more and more resistant to ANYTHING she wants to do, and it becomes as viscous a bloody circle as you can possibly imagine.
I do not hate my wife, nor do I wish her ill. I get extremely angry and understand that she is the focal point of that provocation, but I am not hoping she will die or get into an accident. I do not wish ill for her at all. All I want is for her to CHANGE her attitude and become the kind of woman she is supposed to be for me, "someone to be there for me."
The children. Ah, the children. Five wonderful children who need patience, guidence, love, and most of all, two parents who are not always getting into each other all the time. Yes, I know all the adages about the importance of loving a wife, etc, ect, on and on. Don't tell me stuff I already know. I could teach classes on what a father/husband is supposed to do and provide for his family.
Okay, so I'm not God's gift to husbandry, and of course, because my FIL was such a nigh-unto-perfect man in virtually every respect, (he did his best,) I get to be compared to this sterling example and, should my efforts fall anywhere short of this nigh unto perfect mark, guess who will not get respect in his home.
Yes, that would be me. Mr. F###cked up all the time.
But you see, I DO try to do what I'm supposed to do. Except I don't do a very good job of it. I do try to discipline and be a good example, etc. But I'm not my wife's father. I'm me. F###cked up me. (I don't f###cking care what you think about that either. You want to judge me, GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME!)
I try to take the lead, but if its something she doesn't agree with, will she follow? Doesn't matter! She won't go. Spank the children? Rod of correction? Bible?
Yes, she is a Born Again Christian, (the only real kind, BTW.) Yes, she has a real relationship with Jesus. But, you see, her parents also believed in corporal punishment, and also had a couple of children (one in particular) who needed EXTRA corporal punishment. And het got it, too! He would do this real hooligan stuff, and come home, and didn't want to get beat with the rod or belt, and would YELL, and SCREAM, and CARRY ON! Anything to get out of what he rightfully deserved. (And he will laugingly tell you this day that he deserved every whip and stripe.)
But my wife has one of those EXTREMELY tender hearts, and so took up for her brother during these sessions that she fantasied about rushing into the room and stopping the beatings. So......
Fast forward to our children. Now, I was not corporally punished by my father. He didn't believe in it, as I guess he had some bad experiences with it growing up. (Of course, HE is a better person for it, but of course, the father ALWAYS does for the son what he didn't get as a child.) So, I never got much corporal discipline, (or much else, for that matter.) I wasn't a troublesome kid. Just f$$$cked up.
So, I want to get on this with my kids. Don't let them get down the road without understanding what is what about parents and authority and obedience. I'm not talking drill sergeant kind of stuff. I'm not crazy with a stick. But it has to sting, and yes, there will be tears and crying for it to stop. That's all part of the treatment, and why it works so well. On those children who received it, they got better. On the last child, who is a screaming, crying MONSTER, she gets none. My wife's tender heart simply won't permit it. And guess who
I'm pretty worn out now. I'll have to finish this later.