Where does ADHD stop and responsibility begin?


You'll have to forgive me if someone else has posted about this, I however am new and desperate. I have noticed reoccurring problems with my wife and I. She has worked so hard to fix them on her end, and I kept feeling as though she was doing nothing. It kept happening over and over again, and I kept nagging. Then I finally realized the problem is not with her, it's me.

I have an amazing wife. I do not say so lightly. We aren't your typical couple. I mean to say, that she and I were just friends in the beginning, then lovers, and now soul mates. i guess in a way maybe we were soul mates before. She is the first woman to whom I've been able to be myself, truly myself no more hiding behind a veneer coating of smiles and laughs. Someone that knows my sadness, anger, frustration, joy, accomplishment, honor. To whom I am able to walk naked around the house, and read comics (yes comics, graphic novels are a PR scheme that worked). I too know her, more intimately then I'd ever imagined being able to know someone. I feel anchored when I'm with her, complete.

Our situation is that I'm a trucker (don't knock it, if you have it, it's because we've hauled it.) I work for a great company, good benefits, I'm home 2-3 days a week! I know some of you reading this won't understand, but know this; most folks in my profession aren't home that many days a month. It's hard still, but we make do. She's a full time college student, runs a game or two for her friends and stays busy. Six and a half days a week we spend only a few moments talking on the phone. Ten minutes here, thirty there, two before her class, maybe fifteen while I'm parked somewhere. We always try to call each other when we wake up and before bed. I try to let her know I'm safe, whenever I'm in bad weather, and she tries not to let me know she's worried sick. I guess in a way she believes that it'll make my job harder if I know she's worried.

What I thought the problem was, that on Saturday nights, (which is typically my long-haul night) she doesn't always answer her phone. We are monogamous, and I have no doubts of her fidelity so that's not the issue. See, she works so hard all week, going to classes Monday, Wednesday and Friday; doing homework the others. On Saturday night, she and her friends go out to Karaoke and relax. I know the bar is loud, and she's distracted. See, when I would call on Saturday evening/night, when she did talk to me I felt that she wanted to rush me off the phone, or that she didn't want to talk. Honestly I felt that I wasn't as important to her. Selfish ignorant thought I know. 

I spend hours and hours and hours in the same 10ft cube, all day/night pretty much. Perhaps not the most ideal place for someone to try and sort their thoughts. I know that my wife loves me, I know in my heart of hearts that she is faithful, and despite some honesty issue's we had in the past, she is honest. Though, I cannot for the life of me get past this, and I fear it may be the death of my marriage. Thus, here I am, desperate for answers; if there's anyone out here with constructive input, I surely appreciate it.

spending time together is important..

Spending as much time with her is important.It's important to her because as women we have our needs.It might sound a bit selfish but we need a man next to us to comfort us,love us ,be there for us 24/7.I am a woman and from my own point of view,the reason she might be rushing you off the phone on sat evenings when she is hanging out with friends she might be finding comfort in someone else, or something else, now don't get me wrong it could me a lot of things, may be the music is her comfort,her friends or even some really good laughs, at the time but,if it would help you both you should try and work out a way to be next to her more often than usual.As mush as possible.If you say she is in college sounds like she is pretty young.That's a next thing that if she is young and out there with a husband that works and works, and if that was me i would be so hurt and depress,and that depends also.


I'm guessing it's you that has the ADHD?  There's no mention of it at all.

I'm confused why you are here and I don't understand your question.

Yes it is I.

I thank my first responder, thankfully a woman whom seems to understand the plight of feeling trapped in a burning ship.

I am in fact the one with ADHD. I will admit that I have come a long way from my youth, and no that's not a jab at being old. I mean to say that like many others, my family turned to the wrong people for answers. So most of where I am, what I am, who I am is on account of teaching myself. Teaching myself how to cope with things, how to grind through, how to persevere, how to endure. Unfortunately I've not quite mastered the how sort my thoughts part.

 My questions are numerous. What might I try doing to assign my thoughts into a different pattern? What can I do to organize details into something more akin to a well played game of Tetris and not the random ball pit at a McD's play land? What is it that I can do, maybe something small, to help myself be more attentive? 

At the risk of sounding animatronic, sometimes I feel as though I have a little switch somewhere in my brain-pan. Often, amidst absolute chaos everything kind of just falls into place and I have an understanding of what needs to be done and how to do it. When I'm in absolute chaos, or danger it's like that switch trips and I sort of disconnect in a way. I feel almost as though I'm able to suddenly look down at the problem from above, or below it. See it for what it is, and solve it. Like suddenly it becomes a simple mathematical equation; 2 x+ x = 6; x=2.  Unfortunately, the chaos my marriage seems to be going through, nothing is making any sense in my mind. I'm not really sure where my responsibility in the problems begin.

Where do I draw my line, and stand by it? What do I tell myself, what can I do to improve who I am, and better control the gremlins? So that I can save that which is everything to me.