So I'm somewhat new to this but I rather get a head start and work toward change now and be able to enjoy my relationship before its completely ruined. I feel that most of what I'm dealing with is similar to what everyone else is dealing with. Heres some of the things that I'm trying to work with:
He lies and lies and lies some more. I can usually tell when hes lying but he says he lies because the truth would make me mad.
He's very short tempered and gets very angry or sad within a short notice
It's very hard for him to break bad habits or things that Ive told him not to do (ex. smoking, playing rough with my old dog, cursing in front of my young nephew)
He gets completely fixated and passionate about unimportant things (his current fixation is getting a loan or saving up for a dirtbike)
Hes easily unmotivated when some part of a plan falls through (currently trying to go back to school for the 3rd time)
He was diagnosed with ADHD as an adolescence, just recently he went back on Adderrall but is using a lower dose than he did as a kid. I'm trying to understand that some of his emotions and decisions are fueled by the ADHD but I'd like to see a change. I dont know where to start and I'm not sure what to say to him at this point. It's really hard for me to forget what hes done and I cant find a reason to trust him anymore if hes just going to continue to lie. What can I do to change myself? Like what should I do to make sure I'm not setting off his triggers or how should I handle situations when I catch him in a lie? He has told me he wants to up his dose and Im not sure if that will make things better... any advice is appreciated!
Our common denominator is ADHD
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
swanr1,
I am not sure I can give you answers or solutions, but I can share with you my experience with the things you shared that resemble my own life experience with a spouse with ADHD.
he lies because the truth would make me mad
In my life, my spouse didn't communicate stuff to me - because he didn't want deal with my response. Or as he said, "I didn't want to make you mad."To me it felt very controlling. To him, I think it was a protective action. Avoid stuff like the dickens!
He's very short tempered and gets very angry or sad within a short notice
This is true of my spouse also. I realized my own actions had been to coddle him and "fix" situations and avoid confrontations because I do not know how to deal with his short fuse. I allowed that control me for a very long time.
It's very hard for him to break bad habits or things that Ive told him not to do (ex. smoking, playing rough with my old dog, cursing in front of my young nephew)
You said, "I've told him......". Yep, we try to share our desires by telling them what to do. We really cannot tell anyone to do anything - unless they want to do it. Our first dog was a battle - I wanted to follow the positive reinforcement method of training and my spouse wanted the ol' mountain man method of hitting, and yelling and "showing the dog who was in control." we went several years without a dog. hen we recently had the opportunity to acquire a new dog, I discussed it with my spouse. I believe it is confusing to a dog to have 2 different styles of training going on at the same time. He did agree to letting me lead the training. It has been sorta tough, but I remind him that he agreed to follow my lead, and YES, my spouse needs to learn not to leave his dental partial on the end table where the dog can get it - rather than thinking he can hit the dog for taking the dental partial.
He gets completely fixated and passionate about unimportant things
I thought the same thing. Then I had to accept the truth that my spouse and I value things on a different plane. I respect his values, and desire respect for mine.
He's easily unmotivated when some part of a plan falls through
Yep, this is a truth. ADHD wired brains are very difficult to change gears once they are going in a specific direction.
I'd like to see a change. I dont know where to start and I'm not sure what to say to him at this point. It's really hard for me to forget what hes done and I cant find a reason to trust him anymore if hes just going to continue to lie.
And there is the rub. I have had to communicate to my spouse that his old behaviors are his - band they are not something I can tolerate any more. If he chooses to change, things in our relationship could change. If he chooses to stay the same, I will respect that choice, however his behavior is not something I choose to be around. It is hurtful to ME. I do not need him to understand or acknowledge that, to make it my very own reality.
What can I do to change myself?
Keep searching, reading, and educating yourself on both ADHD and relationships. My spouse has many wonderful ADHD characteristics. He is smart, and creative, and and comes up with many unique solutions to problems.
Like what should I do to make sure I'm not setting off his triggers
This makes sense, and for myself, I am learning how to balance trying to 'control' his behaviors, versus trying to temper them in our relationship.
How should I handle situations when I catch him in a lie?
Believe your own reality. If it was a miscommunication, look to how how it occurred. I am not sure exactly what sort of lies you are talking about. I can only say I would apply the same thing I did in raising our children, :Never pin them in the corner with accusations. Make statements. Statte your feelings on it. And leave it at that.
He has told me he wants to up his dose
That is something he would need to talk about with his doctor/counselor.
Keep reading here. There are lots of great suggestions. Take what you like, and leave the rest. Not everything applies to every situation - however, we all seem to have many common denominators that draw us here.
Liz
I Feel Your Pain
Submitted by CrystalBlueSunshine on
Hi Swan;
Yes. I am familiar with everything you posted plus more. In my case my ADD husband has not gotten better he has gotten worse despite counseling and medication. I used to think I had a bad marriage, a lazy man, an inconsiderate jerk, but now I know it's the disease but it does NOT change the way I feel, the health problems I have now, and the nightmare I live day in and day out. I don't think my husband cares at all or he is taking me and the children for granted and assumes that because I have stayed with him for 21 years that I will stay no matter what. He is sorely mistaken. Maybe he simply has NO idea. I wouldn't know because he doesn't talk to me much and when he does it's lies. I have started to lie to him in the last few weeks and also to be passive-aggressive and I know it's wrong but it gives me a slight pleasure in my hellish life. He doesn't seem to notice. Swan,I think it's important to examine your situation a little bit more before you make any decisions:
How long have you been with him?
Do you have children with this man or do you have children at all?
Are you married or boyfriend/girlfriend?
What are your approximate ages?
Finally, do you live together or in separate places?
I ask because, this is my personal thing, if you are 19 and have been with this person for say 6 months, not married, living apart, no kids then cut that man loose and run like the wind,don't look back, and NEVER date an ADD/ADHD person again EVER!!!!! I am NOT telling you what to do just telling you what I would do knowing what I know now. However, if you are living together, a fully mature woman, maybe have some kids, and a mortgage etc. it is significantly more complicated. This is my first day on this site and you know you are not alone. I'm sure you have read some of the posts and it's like we are all dating/married to the same person. It's bizarre isn't it. The strangest thing I see is all these posters, including myself, staying with these unfortunate zombie-type people (ADD/ADHD) are putting up with this nightmare for 8, 10, 15, 20, 30 years. I feel a little jealous of the ones who are only in a few years as I have been dying a little each day for 21 years. As desperate and destroyed as I am I wonder how those who have done this longer than me feel? Sending love and hugs to you.